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Time to Rethink Women in Combat: "Dressing women in battle dress uniforms does not make them soldiers. Calling them soldiers does not mean they possess the requisite skills required of warriors."



posted by bussorah at 7:11 PM

 
CAPITALISM HAS A SPIRITUAL DIMENSION

Yes, Go on: Laugh! It's true nonetheless

The spirituality of commerce: "It is therefore not surprising that economics used to be a field of study that belonged with religion and theology. Adam Smith, as well as many other 18th century economists, were religious philosophers before they were economists."



posted by bussorah at 7:56 PM

 
AN OUT OF DATE MILITARY?

"The Pentagon's top brass always focus on big-ticket toys like the irrelevant F-22 fighter, the crash-and-burn Osprey helicopter, the redundant Joint Strike Fighter and the dubious Stryker combat vehicle. These 18-karat klinkers might be ideal weapons to fight a now-extinct Soviet bear, but they aren't worth a bucket of spit in our present long-term struggle against terrorism."



posted by bussorah at 6:49 PM

 
THE PLEDGE OF ALLEGIANCE

Cato says: "It's probably too much to ask politicians to reflect a little before they lunge for a political hot-button issue. But any conservatives so inclined should think about what they're defending. What's so conservative about the Pledge? Very little, as it turns out. From its inception, in 1892, the Pledge has been a slavish ritual of devotion to the state, wholly inappropriate for a free people. It was written by Francis Bellamy, a Christian Socialist pushed out of his post as a Baptist minister for delivering pulpit-pounding sermons on such topics as "Jesus the Socialist"...

Bellamy's recommended ritual for honoring the flag had students all but goosestepping their way through the Pledge: "At a signal from the Principal the pupils, in ordered ranks, hands to the side, face the Flag. Another signal is given; every pupil gives the Flag the military salute--right hand lifted, palm downward, to a line with the forehead and close to it... At the words, 'to my Flag,' the right hand is extended gracefully, palm upward, towards the Flag, and remains in this gesture till the end of the affirmation; whereupon all hands immediately drop to the side." After the rise of Nazism, this form of salute was thought to be in poor taste, to say the least, and replaced with today's hand-on-heart gesture."



posted by bussorah at 6:08 PM

 
GUN CONTROL

"Study after study shows that increasing gun control laws leads to an increase in crime rather than a decline. ... a successful defense against a criminal has a ripple effect amongst society. Criminals get to understand that crime isn't as easy and profitable as it might have once been, more criminals are on hiatus -- in the jail or morgue, and finally, people feel safer. People feel safer, people feel more empowered to take responsibility for their own lives, become more independent. Society loses criminals and gains productive workers without having to afford the enormous costs of huge prison complexes. The government has no excuse to increase control over its subjects."

What makes these morons think that their laws are going to do the slightest bit of good? "High-powered rifles are the target of a new ordinance that will be introduced by the Contra Costa County [CA] Board of Supervisors at their meeting Tuesday. The proposed law would prohibit the sale of .50-caliber rifles in the unincorporated areas of the county. Supervisors John Gioia of Richmond and Gayle Uilkema of Lafayette, who are recommending the ordinance, say the ban is intended as a public safety measure. Telecommunications towers, industrial plants such as oil refineries, and railroad cars could all be vulnerable to serious damage from the high-powered rifles, said Uilkema."

John Lott on gun control in Australia: "For much of the past century Australia had lower crime rates than the US or the UK. Violent crime rates have gone up dramatically in Australia since the 1996 Port Arthur gun control measures. And violent crime rates averaged 20 per cent higher in the six years after the law was passed (from 1997 to 2002) than they did in 1996, 32 per cent higher than the violent crime rates in 1995. The same comparisons for armed robbery rates showed increases of 67 per cent and 74 per cent, respectively"

Borowitz has a good satire on the claim that guns kill people.


posted by bussorah at 7:51 PM

 
MOTHER TERESA

A nutty Catholic fundamentalist and no Saint

One does occasionally hear rumbles of disquiet about the late Mother Teresa -- focusing usually on her strict Catholicism -- but this account of her work in India by an Indian is very disquieting indeed. It seems like we have been sold a false bill of goods about this supposed "Saint".



posted by bussorah at 6:39 PM

 
HEALTH SCIENCE

For those of you who watch what you eat, here's the final word on
nutrition and health.

It's a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting medical
studies.

1. Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than the
British or Americans.

2. Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than the
British or Americans.

3. Africans drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks
than the British or Americans.

4. Italians drink large amounts of red wine and suffer fewer heart
attacks than the British or Americans.


CONCLUSION: Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently what kills you.

posted by bussorah at 6:10 PM

 
THE AUSTRALIAN APPROACH

A young Aussie lad moved to London and went to Harrods looking for a job.

The manager asked "Do you have any sales experience?"

The young man answered "Yeah, I was a salesman back home."

The manager liked the Aussie so he gave him the job.

His first day on the job was challenging and busy, but he got through it.

After the store was locked up, the manager came down and asked
"OK, so how many sales did you make today?"

The Aussie said "One."

The manager groaned and continued "Just one? Our sales people average 20 or 30 sales a day.

How much was the sale for?"

....... "124,237.64. pounds"

The manager choked and exclaimed "124,237.64 POUNDS" What the hell did you sell him?"

"Well, first I sold him a small fish hook, then a medium fish hook, and then I sold him a new fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down at the coast, so I told him he would need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him that twin-engined Power Cat.

Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to car sales and I sold him the 4 x 4 Suzuki".

The manager, incredulous, said "You mean to tell me....a guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and 4x4?"

"No no no......he came in here to buy a box of tampons for his lady friend and I said.........'Well, since your weekend's f**ked, you might as well go fishing."




posted by bussorah at 6:26 PM

 
DRINK MORE BEER!

Or buy blue-chips! Disclaimer: I pass this on but know nothing of Nortel stock prices

In October 2000, two friends, Jim and John, each received a $1,000 bonus from their employer, Nortel Networks. Jim, being a financially conscientious person, put the whole $1,000 into Nortel Networks stock. He was able to purchase 15 shares at $63.25 each (plus transaction costs). Having watched the Nortel stock climb and climb, he felt very good about this investment, happy that he was preparing for the future. John, being a more care-free sort, did something different with his thousand bucks. He went to the Beer Store and purchased 34 cases of beer. John also felt very good about his investment: 34 cases x 24 = is 816 bottles of beer! John calculated that he could drink about 15 bottles per week, and he wouldn't have to buy beer for a whole year.

Jim, of course, was appalled by John's purchase, and berated him constantly about it. As months went by, Jim excitedly watched the stock price, and saw it dwindle. "It'll go back up," he'd say. Meanwhile, Jim, who has been reaping the benefits of his investment on a daily basis, would reply, "Yeah, it will. Hang in there, buddy" (burp). As the value of the stock continued to fall, there was beginning to be a noticeable dent in the beer pile. Jim, being sure that the stock had hit rock-bottom, still was berating John for his frivolous purchase, telling him, "Your beer will be gone in six months! Who knows what my stock will be worth!!"

Well, summer came and went, and hard times at Nortel continue. Both John and Jim lost their jobs in the last round of layoffs. In order to raise some cash to help through the rough time, Jim sold his 15 shares, at that day's value of $5.40, and got $81. Jim stopped by John's house later that day (everyone needs a friend during rough times), and as luck would have it, there were two bottles of John's beer left. John, being a compassionate friend, offered to share his last two bottles of beer with his friend. Jim appreciated the gesture, and enjoyed the cold beer, but he felt a bit guilty. "At least I got 81 bucks back out of it. You have nothing now," he said. "That's ok," replied John. "Maybe you can help me return all these empties." So they loaded up the empty bottles and proceeded to the Beer Store. John went to the counter to collect his deposit on the bottles. "34 cases x 24 bottles, at 10 cents per bottle, that comes to $81.60," the friendly Beer Store clerk said to John as he handed him the money. Jim was speechless. How would you feel if you just discovered that over the course of the last year, your $1,000 stock investment left you with $81, and taking same $1,000, buying beer, and drinking it, would leave you with that much plus 60 cents?





posted by bussorah at 7:03 PM

 
"BIG BROTHER" -- AS THE LEFT WOULD WISH IT

This is only imaginary -- SO FAR

Operator: "Thank you for calling Pizza Hut. May I have your national ID number?"
Customer: "Hi, I'd like to place an order."
Operator: "I must have your NIDN first, sir?"
Customer: "My National ID Number, yeah, hold on, eh, it's 6102049998-45-54610."
Operator: "Thank you, Mr. Sheehan. I see you live at 1742 Meadowland Drive, and the phone number's 494-2366. Your office number over at Lincoln Insurance is 745-2302 and your cell number's 266-2566. Email address is sheehan@home.net. Which number are you calling from, sir?"
Customer: "Huh? I'm at home. Where d'ya get all this information?"
Operator: "We're wired into the HSS, sir."
Customer: "The HSS, what is that?"
Operator: "We're wired into the Homeland Security System, sir. This will add only 15 seconds to your ordering time."
Customer: (Sighs) "Oh, well, I'd like to order a couple of your All-Meat Special pizzas."
Operator: "I don't think that's a good idea, sir."
Customer: "Whaddya mean?" Operator: "Sir, your medical records and commode sensors indicate that you've got very high blood pressure and extremely high cholesterol. Your National Health Care provider won't allow such an unhealthy choice."
Customer: "What?!?! What do you recommend, then?"
Operator: "You might try our low-fat Soybean Pizza. I'm sure you'll like it."
Customer: "What makes you think I'd like something like that?"
Operator: "Well, you checked out 'Gourmet Soybean Recipes' from your local library last week, sir. That's why I made the suggestion."
Customer: "All right, all right. Give me two family-sized ones, then."
Operator: "That should be plenty for you, your wife and your four kids, and your two dogs can finish the crusts, sir. Your total is $49.99."
Customer: "Lemme give you my credit card number."
Operator: "I'm sorry sir, but I'm afraid you'll have to pay in cash. Your credit card balance is over its limit."
Customer: "I'll run over to the ATM and get some cash before your driver gets here."
Operator: "That won't work either, sir. Your checking account's overdrawn also."
Customer: "Never mind! Just send the pizzas. I'll have the cash ready. How long will it take?"
Operator: "We're running a little behind, sir. It'll be about 45 minutes, sir. If you're in a hurry you might want to pick 'em up while you're out getting the cash, but then, carrying pizzas on a motorcycle can be a little awkward."
Customer: "Wait! How do you know I ride a bike?"
Operator: "It says here you're in arrears on your car payments, so your car got repo'ed. But your Harley's paid for and you just filled the tank yesterday."
Customer: Well I'll be a "@#%/$@&?#!"
Operator: "I'd advise watching your language, sir. You've already got a July 4, 2006 conviction for cussing out a cop and another one I see here in September for contempt at your hearing for cussing at a judge...Oh yes, I see here that you just got out from a 90 day stay in the State Correctional Facility. Is this your first pizza since your return to society?
Customer: (Speechless)
Operator: "Will there be anything else, sir?"
Customer: "Yes, I have a coupon for a free 2-liter of Coke."
Operator: "I'm sorry sir, but our ad's exclusionary clause prevents us from offering free soda to diabetics. The New Constitution prohibits this. Thank you for calling Pizza Hut!"



posted by bussorah at 6:03 PM

 
SOME OLD-FASHIONED WISHES

Attributed to Paul Harvey




We tried so hard to make things better for our kids that we made them worse. For my grandchildren, I'd like better.





I'd really like for them to know about hand me down clothes and homemade ice cream and leftover meat loaf sandwiches. I really would.




I hope you learn humility by being humiliated, and that you learn honesty by being cheated.





I hope you learn to make your own bed and mow the lawn and wash the car.




And I really hope nobody gives you a brand new car when you are sixteen.




It will be good if at least one time you can see puppies born and your old dog put to sleep.




I hope you get a black eye fighting for something you believe in.




I hope you have to share a bedroom with your younger brother/sister. And it's all right if you have to draw a line down the middle of the room,but when he wants to crawl under the covers with you because he's scared, I hope you let him.




When you want to see a movie and your little brother/sister wants to tag along, I hope you'll let him/her.




I hope you have to walk uphill to school with your friends and that you live in a town where you can do it safely.




On rainy days when you have to catch a ride, I hope you don't ask your driver to drop you two blocks away so you won't be seen riding with someone as uncool as your Mom.




If you want a slingshot, I hope your Dad teaches you how to make one instead of buying one.




I hope you learn to dig in the dirt and read books.




When you learn to use computers, I hope you also learn to add and subtract in your head.




I hope you get teased by your friends when you have your first crush on a boy\girl, and when you talk back to your mother that you learn what ivory soap tastes like.




May you skin your knee climbing a mountain, burn your hand on a stove and stick your tongue on a frozen flagpole.




I don't care if you try a beer once, but I hope you don't like it. And if a friend offers you dope or a joint, I hope you realize he is not your friend.




I sure hope you make time to sit on a porch with your Grandma/Grandpa and go fishing with your Uncle.




May you feel sorrow at a funeral and joy during the holidays.




I hope your mother punishes you when you throw a baseball through your neighbor's window and that she hugs you and kisses you at Hannukah/Christmas time when you give her a plaster mold of your hand.




These things I wish for you - tough times and disappointment, hard work and happiness. To me, it's the only way to appreciate life.


posted by bussorah at 6:46 PM

 
Nuclear Power

Little Tommy was in his seat on an airplane when a Greenie took the seat next to him. The Greenie said "Hi....as long as we are going to be travelling companions for the next three hours let's talk...I've heard that flights will go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger."
Little Tommy, who had just opened his book, closed it slowly, and said to the Greenie, "What would you like to discuss?" "Oh, I don't know," said the Greenie. "How about nuclear power?"
"OK," said Little Tommy. "That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat grass. They all eat the same stuff. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?"
"Jeez," said the Greenie. "I have no idea."
"Well, then," said Little Tommy, "How is it that you feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don't know shit?"






Attempts to regulate gun shows to 'reduce crime' are just baloney: "It comes as no surprise that a "study" praising the alleged benefits of Colorado's Amendment 22 -- the law that requires Brady registrations for private sales at gun shows -- has been released just as some U.S. Senators are contemplating a national law in the same vein. Never mind the Bill of Rights.... The "study" is manifestly pseudo-scientific nonsense.. "The report does not identify how many of the guns that were later used in crimes had been sold at gun shows."


posted by bussorah at 7:17 PM

 
VANITAS VANITATUM

(As it says in Ecclesiastes 1:2)

The following is the philosophy of Charles Schultz, the creator of the
"Peanuts" comic strip.

You don't have to actually answer the questions.
Just read the questions straight through, and you'll get the point.


1. Name the five wealthiest people in the world.
2. Name the last five Heisman trophy winners.
3. Name the last five winners of the Miss America contest.
4. Name ten people who have won the Nobel or Pulitzer Prize.
5. Name the last half dozen Academy Award winner for best actor and
actress.
6. Name the last decade's worth of World Series winners.

How did you do?


The point is, none of us remember the headliners of yesterday.
These are no second-rate achievers. They are the best in their fields.
But the applause dies. Awards tarnish. Achievements are forgotten.
Accolades and certificates are buried with their owners.

Here's another quiz.
See how you do on this one:

1. List a few teachers who aided your journey through school.
2. Name three friends who have helped you through a difficult time.
3. Name five people who have taught you something worthwhile.
4. Think of a few people who have made you feel appreciated and special.
5. Think of five people you enjoy spending time with.
6. Name half a dozen heroes whose stories have inspired you.

Easier?
The lesson:
The people who make a difference in your life are not the ones with the
most credentials, the most money, or the most awards.
They are the ones that care.



"Don't worry about the world coming to an end today. It's
already tomorrow in Australia."
(Charles Schultz)



posted by bussorah at 6:34 PM

 
EMAIL WARNINGS

To all my friends, thanks to you sending me chain letters in 2003:

I stopped drinking Coca Cola after I found out that it's good for removing toilet stains.
I stopped going to the movies for fear of sitting on a needle infected with AIDS.
I smell like a dog since I stopped using deodorants because they cause cancer.
I don't leave my car in the parking lot or any other place and sometimes I even have to walk about 7 blocks for fear that someone will drug me with a perfume sample and try to rob me.
I also stopped answering the phone for fear that they ask me to dial a stupid number and then I get a phone bill from hell with calls to Uganda, Singapore and Tokyo.
I stopped consuming several foods for fear that the estrogens they contain may turn me gay.
I also stopped eating chicken and hamburgers because they are nothing other than horrible mutant freaks with no eyes or feathers that are bred in a lab so that places like McDonalds can sell their Big Macs.
I also stopped drinking anything out of a can for fear that I will get sick from the rat feces and urine.
I think I'm turning gay because when I go to parties, I don't look at any girl no matter how hot she is, for fear that she will take my kidneys and leave me taking a nap in a bathtub full of ice.
I also donated all my savings to the Amy Bruce account. A sick girl that was about to die in the hospital about 7,000 times. Funny that girl, she's been 7 since 1993...
I went bankrupt from bounced checks that I made expecting the $15,000 that Microsoft and AOL were supposed to send me when I participated in their special e-mail program.
My free Ericcson phone never arrived when I passed on the last chain letter and neither did the passes for a paid vacation to Disneyland. But I am positive that all this is the cause of a stinking chain that I broke or forgot to follow and I got a curse from hell.

IMPORTANT NOTE: If you send this e-mail to at least 1200 people in the next 10 seconds, a bird will crap on you today at 7pm.



posted by bussorah at 7:11 PM

 
FDR AND THE JAPANESE AMERICANS IN WW2

Not as evil as you might think. And guess who was the good guy?

Roosevelt's relocation of Japanese Americans from the Western defence zone in World War II was, like conscription, price controls, censorship and many other of FDR's wartime measures, a violation of individual rights but there was a lot more behind it than mere hysteria -- though J. Edgar Hoover opposed it as unconstitutional and unnecessary.



posted by bussorah at 6:15 PM

 
MANAGEMENT

An oldie but goldie


A man in a hot air balloon realized he was lost. He reduced altitude
and spotted a woman below. He descended a bit more and shouted, "Excuse
me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago
but I don't know where I am."

The woman below replied, "You're in a hot air balloon hovering
approximately 30 feet above the ground. You're between 40 and 41 degrees
north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude."

"You must be an engineer," said the balloonist. "I am", replied the
woman. "How did you know?"

"Well, answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is technically
correct, but I've no idea what to make of your information, and the
fact is I'm still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help at all. If
anything you've delayed my trip even more."

The woman below responded, "You must be in management." "I am," replied
the balloonist, "but how did you know?"

"Well," said the woman, "you don't know where you are or where you're
going. You have risen to where you are due to a large quantity of hot
air. You made a promise which you've no idea how to keep, and you
expect people beneath you to solve your problems. The fact is, you are in
exactly the same position you were in before we met, but now, somehow,
it's my fault."

posted by bussorah at 9:01 PM

 
THE "F" WORD



When is @#$% Acceptable?


There are only eleven times in history where the "F" word has been considered acceptable for use.

They are as follows:



11. "What the @#$% do you mean we are sinking?"

-- Capt. E.J. Smith of RMS Titanic, 1912



10. "What the @#$% was that?"

-- Mayor Of Hiroshima, 1945



9. "Where did all those @#$%ing Indians come from?"

-- Custer, 1877



8. "Any @#$%ing idiot could understand that."

-- Einstein, 1938





7. "It does so @#$%ing look like her!"

-- Picasso, 1926





6. "How the @#$% did you work that out?"

-- Pythagoras, 126 BC






5. "You want! WHAT on the @#$%ing ceiling?"

-- Michelangelo, 1566




4. "Where the @#$% are we?"

-- Amelia Earhart, 1937





3. "Scattered @#$%ing showers, my ass!"

-- Noah, 4314 BC



2. "Aw c'mon. Who the @#$% is going to find out?"

-- Bill Clinton, 1999



and a drum roll............! ....








1. "Geez, I didn't think they'd get this @%#*^ing mad."

-- Sadaam Hussein, 2003




posted by bussorah at 6:51 PM

 
JUNK PARENTS

It's not junk food advertisements that get kids eating junk food. It's junk parenting. "Children have a tradition of eating rubbish, given half a chance... Children may be easily influenced by advertising, but they have little or no money of their own. The real message of the call to ban adverts is that parents are too weak or stupid to say no to their kids' demands."


posted by bussorah at 8:14 PM

 
OLD TIMES

I phoned up a really gorgeous ex-girlfriend of mine the other day. We lost track of time, chatting about the wild nights we used to enjoy together.
I couldn't believe it when she asked if I'd like to meet up and maybe rekindle a little of that magic.
"Wow!" I said "I don't know if I could keep pace with you now! I'm a bit older and a bit balder than when you last saw me!"
She giggled and said she was sure I'd meet the challenge!
"Yeah," I said, "Just so long as you don't mind a man with a waistband that's a few inches wider these days!"
She laughed again and told me to stop being so silly! She teased me, saying she thought tubby bald men were cute!
"Anyway", she said, "I've put on a couple of pounds myself!"
So I hung up...........



posted by bussorah at 7:14 PM

 
A COLLECTION OF EMBARRASSMENTS

Oldies but goldies


I walked into a hair salon with my husband and three kids in tow and asked loudly, "How much do you charge for a shampoo and a blow job?"

I turned around and walked back out and never went back. My husband didn't say a word... he knew better.

-------

I was at the golf store comparing different kinds of golf balls. I was unhappy with the women's type I had been using. After browsing for several minutes, I was approached by one of the good-looking gentlemen who works at the store.He asked if he could help me. Without thinking, I looked at him and said, "I think I like playing with men's balls."

-------

My sister and I were at the mall and passed by a store that sold a variety of candy and nuts. As we were looking at the display case, the boy behind the counter asked if we needed any help.
I replied, "No, I'm just looking at your nuts."
My sister started to laugh hysterically, the boy grinned, and I turned beet-red and walked away.
To this day, my sister has never let me forget.

--------

While in line at the bank one afternoon, my toddler decided to release some pent-up energy and ran amok. I was finally able to grab hold of her after receiving looks of disgust and annoyance from other patrons. I told her that if she did not start behaving "right now" she would be punished.

To my horror, she looked me in the eye and said in a voice just as threatening, "If you don't let me go right now, I will tell Grandma that I saw you kissing Daddy's pee-pee last night!"

The silence was deafening after this enlightening exchange. Even the tellers stopped what they were doing.
I mustered up the last of my dignity and walked out of the bank with my daughter in tow.
The last thing I heard when the door closed behind me were screams of laughter.

---------

Have you ever asked your child a question too many times? My three-year-old son had a lot of problems with potty training and I was on him constantly.

One day we stopped at Taco Bell for a quick lunch in between errands. It was very busy, with a full dining room. While enjoying my taco, I smelled something funny, so of course I checked my seven-month-old daughter, and she was clean. Then I realized that Danny had not sked to go potty in a while, so I asked him if he needed to go.

He said, "No."

I kept thinking, "Oh Lord, that child has had an accident, and I don't have any clothes with me."
Then I said, "Danny, are you SURE you didn't have an accident?" "No," he replied.

I just KNEW that he must have had an accident, because the smell was getting worse. Soooooo, I asked one more time, "Danny, did you have an accident?"

This time he jumped up, yanked down his pants, bent over and spread his cheeks yelled. "SEE MOM, IT'S JUST FARTS!!"

While 30 people nearly choked to death on their tacos laughing! He calmly pulled up his pants and sat down.

An old couple made me feel better by thanking me for the best laugh they'd ever had!

--------

This had most of the state of Michigan laughing for 2 days and a very embarrassed female news anchor who will, in the future, likely think before she speaks.

What happens when you predict snow but don't get any....a true story...

We had a female news anchor who, the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked: "So Bob, where's that 8 inches you promised me last night?"

Not only did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew did too they were laughing so hard!



posted by bussorah at 6:19 PM

 
JUMPING TO CONCLUSIONS

A photographer from a well-known national magazine was assigned to cover some widespread forest fires. The magazine wanted to show some of the heroic work of the firefighters as they battled the blaze. When the photographer arrived, he realized that the smoke was so thick it would seriously impede or make it impossible for him to photograph anything from ground level. He requested permission to rent an airplane and take photos from the air. The request was approved. He was told to report to a nearby airport where a single engine plane would be waiting for him. He arrived at the airport and saw a plane warming up near the gate. He jumped in with his bag and shouted, "Let's go!" The pilot swung the plane into the wind, and within minutes they were in the air. The photographer said, "Fly over the park and make two or three low passes so I can take some pictures." "Why?" asked the pilot. "Because I'm a photographer for a national magazine," he responded, "and I need some close-up shots." The pilot was silent for a moment, then finally he stammered, "So, you're telling me you're not the flight instructor?"




POLISH

A Polish man married a Canadian girl after he had been in Canada a year or so and, although his English was far from perfect, they got on very well. Until one day he rushed into a lawyer's office and asked him if he could arrange a divorce for him - "very quick." The lawyer said that the speed for getting a divorce would depend on the circumstances and asked him the following questions:

LAWYER: Have you any grounds?
POLE: JA, JA, an acre and half and a nice little home with 3 bedrooms.
LAWYER "No," I mean what is the foundation of this case?"
POLE: "It is made of concrete, brick and mortar," he responded.
LAWYER: "Does either of you have a real grudge?"
POLE: "No," he replied, "We have a two-car carport and have never really needed one."
LAWYER: "I mean, What are your relations like?"
POLE: "All my relations are in Poland."
LAWYER: "is there any infidelity in your marriage?"
POLE: "Yes, we have hi fidelity stereo set &DVD player with 6.1 sound. We don't necessarily like the music, but the answer to your questions is "yes."
LAWYER: No, I mean Does your wife beat you up?
POLE: NO, I'm always up before her.
LAWYER: Is your wife a nagger?
POLE: NO, she white.
LAWYER: WHY do you want this divorce?
POLE: SHE going to kill me.
LAWYER: What makes you think that?
POLE: I got proof.
LAWYER: What kind of proof?
POLE: She going to poison me. She buy a bottle at the drug store and put on shelf in bathroom. I can read -- it says, "Polish Remover."



posted by bussorah at 6:46 PM

 
Home remedies

1. If you are choking on an ice cube, don't panic. Simply pour a
cup of boiling water down your throat and presto! The blockage will be
almost instantly removed.
2. Clumsy? Avoid cutting yourself while slicing vegetables by
getting someone else to hold them while you chop away.
3. Avoid arguments with the Mrs. about lifting the toilet seat by
simply using the sink.
4. High blood pressure sufferers: simply cut yourself and bleed for
awhile, thus reducing the pressure in your veins.
5. A mouse trap, placed on top of your alarm clock, will prevent you
from rolling over and going back to sleep when you hit the snooze button.
6. If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives, then you
will be afraid to cough.
7. Have a bad toothache? Hit your thumb with a hammer, then you will
forget about the toothache..


AND..... Sometimes we just need to remember what The Rules of Life
really are:

You need only two tools: WD-40 and duct tape. If it doesn't move and it
should, use WD-40. If it moves and shouldn't, use the duct tape.

Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.

If you woke up breathing, congratulations! You have another chance!

And finally... Be really good to your family and friends. You never know
when you are going to need them to empty your bedpan.

Thought for the Day: Our days are happier when we give people a bit of
our heart rather than a piece of our mind.


posted by bussorah at 6:04 PM

 
Why Men Die First

If you put a woman on a pedestal and try to protect her from the rat race...you're a male chauvinist.
If you stay home and do the housework...you're a pansy.
If you work too hard...there's never any time for her.
If you don't work enough...you're a good-for-nothing bum.
If she has a boring repetitive job with low pay...this is exploitation.
If you have a boring repetitive job with low pay.....you should get off your lazy behind and find something better.
If you get a promotion ahead of her.....that is favoritism.
If she gets a job ahead of you......it's equal opportunity.
If you mention how nice she looks......it's sexual harassment.
If you keep quiet..........it's male indifference.
If you cry............you're a wimp.
If you don't........you're an insensitive bastard.
If you make a decision without consulting her.........you're a chauvinist.
If she makes a decision without consulting you......she's a liberated woman.
If you ask her to do something she doesn't enjoy....... that's domination.
If SHE asks you.........it's a favor.
If you appreciate the female form and frilly underwear......you're a pervert.
If you don't..............you're gay.
If you like a woman to shave her legs and keep in shape..............you're sexist.
If you don't.................you're unromantic.
If you try to keep yourself in shape................you're vain.
If you don't................you're a slob.
If you buy her flowers.............you're after something.
If you don't....................you're not thoughtful.
If you're proud of your achievements........ you're full of yourself.
If you don't....................you're not ambitious.
If she has a headache............she's tired.
If you have a headache.............you don't love her anymore.
If you want it too often.........you're oversexed.
If you don't..........there must be someone else.

Men die first because they want to

posted by bussorah at 8:33 PM

 
LETTERS OF COMPLAINT

These are genuine complaints from British Council flat (welfare housing) tenants complaining to the Council about problems with their apartments:

1) My bush is really overgrown round the front and my back passage has fungus growing in it.
2) He's got this huge tool that vibrates the whole house and I just can't take it anymore.
3) It's the dogs mess that I find hard to swallow.
4) I want some repairs done to my cooker as it has backfired and burnt my knob off.
5) I wish to complain that my father hurt his ankle very badly when he put his foot in the hole in his back passage.
6) And their 18 year old son is continually banging his balls against my fence.
7) I wish to report that tiles are missing from the outside toilet roof. I think it was bad wind the other night that blew them off.
8) My lavatory seat is cracked, where do I stand?
9) I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is coming away from the wall.
10) Will you please send someone to mend the garden path. My wife tripped and fell on it yesterday and now she is pregnant.
11) I request permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen
12) 50% of the walls are damp, 50% have crumbling plaster and 50% are plain filthy.
13) I am still having problems with smoke in my new drawers.
14) The toilet is blocked and we cannot bath the children until it is cleared.
15) Will you please send a man to look at my water, it is a funny colour and not fit to drink.
16) I want to complain about the farmer across the road; every morning at 6am his cock wakes me up and its now getting too much for me.
17) The man next door has a large erection in the back garden, which is unsightly and dangerous.
18) Our kitchen floor is damp. We have two children and would like a third so please send someone round to do something about it.
19) I am a single woman living in a downstairs flat and would you please do something about the noise made by the man on top of me every night.
20) Please send a man with the right tool to finish the job and satisfy my wife.





posted by bussorah at 9:48 PM

 
POLITICALLY INCORRECT NUDISM

A picture is worth a thousand words, so click here. (May take half a minute to load).



posted by bussorah at 7:16 PM

 
DON'T MESS WITH THE MARINES

Kick Donald Luskin if this is not true

It was a fact that LBJ would, on occasion, personally call military offices and demand special favors. At one such time, he is said to have called TBS (The Basic School) at Marine Corps Base, Quantico, Virginia, and the conversation went like this:

TBS: Good afternoon, this is The Basic School. How can I help you?
LBJ: This is President Johnson. We"re having a state dinner here at the White House next Saturday. I want you to send out two Lieutenants to be escorts for my daughters.
TBS: Yes sir Mr. President. Is that all?
LBJ: I want them in their dress uniforms, tall and good looking.
TBS: Yes sir, Mr. President. Two tall, good looking lieutenants, dress uniforms, next Saturday evening. Is there anything else?
LBJ: (Remember, LBJ was an old time Texan) Yeah, don't send any damn Mexicans!
TBS: No sir, Mr. President, no damn Mexicans. Will there be anything else?
LBJ: No, that's all.

Saturday evening came and two tall, good looking Marine lieutenants showed up at the White House, decked out in their dress uniforms.

They were promptly ushered in to meet Mrs. Johnson and introduced themselves as being there as escorts for her daughters. She acknowledged their presence saying, "But you're both black! There must be some mistake!"

One of the lieutenants replied: "I don't believe that's possible, Ma'am. Captain Rodriguez NEVER makes mistakes."



posted by bussorah at 6:24 PM

 
"What a Country!"

by Ephraim Kishon

(Israel)


It's the only country where the cross country highway stops in the middle of the state; Ben Gurion Airport 2000 is still not opened in 2003; water imports start at the most raining year of the decade, and the Gelilot Camp is being evacuated for 8 years now, but is still operational.

It's the only country where the unemployed strike.

It's the only country in which the 60-year-old folks still hate the corporal they had 42 years ago.

It's the only country where you have 2 ministers of finance and neither of them has money.

It's the only country where the minister of transportation placed a sign on the road reading: "Kohanim, drive on the left side of the road".

It's the only country where the mother of a soldier has the cell number of his officer and he'd better beware.

It's the only country which sent a communication satellite to the sky, but nobody there knows how to communicate with each other.

It's the only country where you already had scuds from Iraq, katiushas from Lebanon, explosives from Gaza and bombs from Syria and where still, a 3 bedroom-apartment costs more than in Paris.

It's the only country where porno starlets are asked what their moms think about their job, soccer players bring their dads to the games to yell at their coach, and on Friday night everyone goes to their parents for a peaceful Shabbat diner.

It's the only country where a typical Israeli meal consists of an Arab salad, Rumanian Kebab, Iraqi Pita and Bavarian cream. We must like to eat anti-Semites.

It's the only country where the man with the open, stained shirt is the honorable minister, and the one next to him with the suit and tie is his chauffeur.

It's the only country where when someone says: "I didn't interrupt you", he really means to interrupt you.

It's the only country where Moslems sell holy memorabilia to Christians and get paid with Jewish currency.

The only country where you leave home when you're 18 and still live there when you're 24.

The only country where no woman gets along with her mother, but talks to her at least three times a day.

The only country where the rich belong to the socialist left, the poor to the capitalist right and the middle class pays for all of them.

The only country where you can easily get computer programs to build and send satellites, but you have to wait 7 days for your washing machine to be repaired.

The only country where you ask a girl on your first date where she was in the army, and find out she was more combative then you.

The only country in which between the happiest day of the year and the saddest one, you have exactly 60 seconds.

The only country in which most of its citizens can't explain why they live there, but they have a lot of reasons why they can't live elsewhere.

The only country where, if you hate politicians, you hate clerks, you hate the taxes, the quality of service, and the weather - it shows that you love the country.

It's the only country where I could live.

It is my only country.


posted by bussorah at 6:08 PM

 
SOME ALTERNATIVE DIET ADVICE

Very good advice for vegetarians

Q: I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true?
A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it...don't waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that's like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.

Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?
A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable products.

Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: Well, if you have a body, and you have body fat, your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.

Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?
A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain...Good.

Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?
A: You're not listening. Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In fact, they're permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?

Q: What's the secret to healthy eating?
A: Thicker gravy.

Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?
A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.

Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
A: Are you crazy? HELLO ...... Cocoa beans ... another vegetable!!!It's the best feel good food around!

Q: Is swimming good for your figure?
A: If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me.

Q: Is getting in-shape important for my lifestyle?
A: Hey! 'Round' is a shape!

Q: Is sex good for my overall well-being?
A: This is the only question that has made any sense! Yes it is! It should be practised many many times per week. Sex serves to move all the vitamins, minerals and amino acids around in your bloodstream. Speak to your partner about this for the correct advice, he or she will be aware of this particular diet supplement.
Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets. Now go have a cookie...flour is a veggie!




posted by bussorah at 7:49 PM

 
Real notes from parents in a Mississippi school district. (Spellings have been left intact.)

My son is under a doctor's care and should not take P.E. today. Please execute him.
Please excuse Lisa for being absent. She was sick and I had her shot.
Dear School: Please ekscuse John being absent on Jan. 28, 29, 30, 31, 32,and also 33
Please excuse Gloria from Jim today. She is administrating
Please excuse Roland from P.E. for a few days. Yesterday he fell out of a tree and misplaced his hip.
John has been absent because he had two teeth taken out of his face.
Carlos was absent yesterday because he was playing football. He was hurt in the growing part.
Megan could not come to school today because she has been bothered by very close veins.
Chris will not be in school cus he has an acre in his side.
Please excuse Ray Friday from school. He has very loose vowels.
Please excuse Pedro from being absent yesterday. He had(diahre)(dyrea)(direathe) the shits. [Words were crossed out in the ()'s}
Please excuse Tommy for being absent yesterday. He had diarrhea and his boots leak.
Irving was absent yesterday because he missed his bust.
Please excuse Jimmy for being. It was his father's fault.
I kept Billie home because she had to go Christmas shopping because I don't know what size she wear.
Please excuse Jennifer for missing school yesterday. We forgot to get the Sunday paper off the porch, and when we found it Monday, we thought it was Sunday.
Sally won't be in school a week from Friday. We have to attend her funeral.
My daughter was absent yesterday because she was tired. She spent a weekend with the Marines.
Please excuse Jason for being absent yesterday. He had a cold and could not breed well.
Please excuse Mary for being absent yesterday. She was in bed with gramps.
Gloria was absent yesterday as she was having a gangover.
Please excuse Brenda, she has been sick and under the doctor.
Maryann was absent December 11-16, because she had a fever, sore throat, headache and upset stomach. Her sister was also sick, fever and sore throat, her brother had a low grade fever and ached all over. I wasn't the best either, sore throat and fever. There must be something going around, her father even got hot last night.






posted by bussorah at 6:06 PM

 
SPAM


Fight spam without big government. People who buy off spammers are the real problem. There would be no spam without them. So in your own interests, never do so.



posted by bussorah at 7:56 PM

 
THE MICHAEL MOORE ACT FRAYS


Michael Moore: "Michael, you have betrayed those whose cause you once championed. Once the voice of the unappreciated working man, I have watched in amazement and dismay as you have degenerated into one of the all too common scourges of our society -- the low rent man-basher who pours derision upon the last remaining politically correct target of bigotry: men."


posted by bussorah at 6:07 PM