Thoughts both serious and not

For some serious thoughts about our strange systems of justice, see HERE



HOME

EXTRAS

PICTURE GALLERY

Mirror site here

 
Paul Harvey' New Year thoughts

I don't believe in Santa Claus, but I'm not going to sue somebody for singing a Ho-Ho-Ho song in December. I don't agree with Darwin, but I didn't go out and hire a lawyer when my high school teacher taught his theory of evolution.

Life, liberty or your pursuit of happiness will not be endangered because someone says a 30-second prayer before a football game. So what's the big deal? It's not like somebody is up there reading the entire book of Acts. They're just talking to a God they believe in and asking him to grant safety to the players on the field and the fans going home from the game.

"But it's a Christian prayer," some will argue. Yes, and this is the United States of America, a country founded on Christian principles. According to our very own phone book, Christian churches outnumber all others better than 200-to-1. So what would you expect-somebody chanting Hare Krishna? If I went to a football game in Jerusalem, I would expect to hear a Jewish prayer. If I went to a soccer game in Baghdad, I would expect to hear a Muslim prayer. If I went to a ping pong match in China, I would expect to hear someone pray to Buddha. And I wouldn't be offended. It wouldn't bother me one bit. When in Rome ...

"But what about the atheists?" is another argument. What about them? Nobody is asking them to be baptized. We're not going to pass the collection plate. Just humor us for 30 seconds. If that's asking too much, bring a Walkman or a pair of ear plugs. Go to the bathroom. Visit the concession stand. Call your lawyer!

Unfortunately, one or two will make that call. One or two will tell thousands what they can and cannot do. I don't think a short prayer at a football game is going to shake the world's foundations. Christians are just sick and tired of turning the other cheek while our courts strip us of all our rights. Our parents and grandparents taught us to pray before eating; to pray before we go to sleep. Our Bible tells us to pray without ceasing. Now a handful of people and their lawyers are telling us to cease praying. God, help us. And if that last sentence offends you, well ... just sue me. The silent majority has been silent too long. It's time we let that one or two who scream loud enough to be heard .... that the vast majority don't care what they want. It is time the majority rules! It's time we tell them, you don't have to pray; you don't have to say the pledge of allegiance; you don't have to believe in God or attend services that honor Him. That is your right, and we will honor your right. But by golly, you are no longer going to take our rights away. We are fighting back ... and we WILL WIN! God bless us one and all ... especially those who denounce Him. God bless America, despite all her faults. She is still the greatest nation of all. God bless our service men who are fighting to protect our right to pray and worship God.

May 2005 be the year the silent majority is heard and we put God back as the foundation of our families and institutions. Keep looking up.


posted by bussorah at 8:21 PM

 
MEMORIES from a friend:

My Dad is cleaning out my grandmother's house (she died in December) and he brought me an old Royal Crown Cola bottle. In the bottle top was a stopper with a bunch of holes in it. I knew immediately what it was, but my daughter had no idea. She thought they had tried to make it a salt shaker or something. I knew it as the bottle that sat on the end of the ironing board to "sprinkle" clothes with because we didn't have steam irons. Man, I am old.

How many do you remember?

Head lights dimmer switches on the floor.
Ignition switches on the dashboard.
Heaters mounted on the inside of the fire wall.
Real ice boxes.
Pant leg clips for bicycles without chain guards.
Soldering irons you heat on a gas burner.
Using hand signals for cars without turn signals.



Older Than Dirt Quiz: Count all the ones that you remember not the ones you were told about! Ratings at the bottom.

1. Blackjack chewing gum
2. Wax Coke-shaped bottles with colored sugar water
3. Candy cigarettes
4. Soda pop machines that dispensed bottles
5. Coffee shops with tableside jukeboxes
6. Home milk delivery in glass bottles with cardboard stoppers
7. Party lines
8. Newsreels before the movie
9. P.F. Flyers
10. Butch wax
11. Telephone numbers with a word prefix (Olive-6933)
12. Peashooters
13. Howdy Doody
14. 45 RPM records
15. S&H Green Stamps
16. Hi-fi's
17. Metal ice trays with lever
18. Mimeograph paper
19. Blue flashbulb
20. Packards
21. Roller skate keys
22. Cork popguns
23. Drive-ins
24. Studebakers
25. Wash tub wringers

If you remembered 0-5 = You're still young If you remembered 6-10 = You are getting older If you remembered 11-15 = Don't tell your age, If you remembered 16-25 = You're older than dirt!


posted by bussorah at 8:47 PM

 
SANTA AND LITTLE TIMMY

There is a sad Xmas story here (cartoon)




DUMB CROOK

Indiana: Robber nabbed after locking keys in getaway car: "A 26-year-old man locked his keys in his car while robbing a convenience store across the street from a police station, authorities said. Dan L. Griggs, of Gary, stole three cartons of cigarettes about 1 a.m. Thursday from a store across the street from the Lake Station police department, and returned to his vehicle to find the doors locked .... The robber told a clerk, who followed him out of the store, that it was just a joke and that he didn't intend to steal the cigarettes. The clerk then called police officers. Griggs returned to the store, ripped out the telephone cord and demanded money .... Griggs returned to the store again and grabbed a broom, Stills said. Dispatchers then watched from the police station ... as Griggs used the broom to smash out a vehicle window. ... After a brief chase through snowy streets, Griggs struck an oncoming police cruiser and fled from the car. He was arrested when he became stuck in a ditch."


posted by bussorah at 7:47 PM

 
Top Ten Reasons for ...

TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING NORWEGIAN:
1. You get to pay the highest taxes in the world.
2. You can kill baby seals and eat Rudolf the Reindeer.
3. You live in total freezing darkness half the year and get 24 hour ozone-hole radiation the other half.
4. You can get capital punishment for smoking dope.
5. You can go skiing in your knickers.
6. You get to hate the Swedes and beat the Brazilians in football.
7. You have to be a woman to get anywhere.
8. You don't need to worry about land prices rocketing - its fairly spacious.
9. When abroad you can impress people you meet with stories about killing polar bears and shagging penguins - and they believe you.
10. You can actually get bored with blondes.

TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING ENGLISH :
1. Two World Wars and One World Cup.
2. Warm beer.
3. You get to confuse everyone with the rules of cricket.
4. You get to accept defeat graciously in major sporting events.
5. Union jack underpants.
6. Water shortages guaranteed every single summer.
7. You can live in the past and imagine you are still a world power.
8. Bathing once a week - whether you need to or not.
9. Ditto changing underwear.
10. Beats being Welsh.

TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING SCOTTISH :
1. You ain't English!
2. You ain't English!
3. You ain't English!
4. You ain't English!
5. You ain't English!
6. You ain't English!
7. You ain't English!
8. You ain't English!
9. You ain't English!
10. You ain't English!

TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING ITALIAN :
1. In-depth knowledge of bizarre pasta shapes.
2. Unembarrassed to wear fur.
3. No need to worry about tax returns.
4. Glorious military history prior to 400BC.
5. Can wear sunglasses inside.
6. Political stability.
7. Flexible working hours.
8. Live near the Pope.
9. Can spend hours braiding girlfriend's armpit hair.
10. Country run by Sicilian murderers.

TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING SPANISH :
1. Glorious history of killing South American tribes.
2. The rest of Europe thinks Africa begins at the Pyrenees.
3. You get your beaches invaded by Germans, Danes, Brits, etc.
4. The rest of your country is already invaded by Moroccans.
5. Everybody else makes crap paella and claims it's the real thing.
6. Honesty.
7. Only sure way of bedding a woman is to dress up in stupid, tight clothes and risk your life in front of bulls.
8. You get to eat bull's testicles.
9. Gibraltar.
10. Supported Argentina in Falklands War.

TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING GERMAN :
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.
6.
7.
8.
9.
10.

Give them a second chance
1. Oktoberfest.
2. Okotberfest-beer.
3. BMW.
4. VW.
5. Audi.
6. Mercedes.
7. On a highway you can travel at a speed that would bring you to jail in any other country of the world.
8. You do not have to learn German as a foreign language.
9. You think Sauerkraut is delicious.
10.Contrary to common belief laughing is not forbidden by law (yet).

TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING INDIAN :
1. Chicken Madras.
2. Lamb Passanda.
3. Onion Bhaji.
4. Bombay Potato.
5. Chicken Tikka Masala.
6. Rogan Josh.
7. Popadoms.
8. Chicken Dopiaza.
9. Kingfisher lager.
10. Aggravate everyone else by shaking your head when talking.

TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING WELSH:
1. You've got to be having a laugh, haven't you?

TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING IRISH :
1. Guinness.
2. 18 children because you can't use contraceptives.
3. You can get into a fight just by marching down someone's road.
4. Pubs never close.
5. Can use Papal edicts on contraception passed in second Vatican Council of 1968 to persuade your girlfriend that you can't have sex with a condom on.
6. No one can ever remember the night before.
7. Kill people you don't agree with.
8. Stew.
9. More Guinness.
10. Eating stew and drinking Guinness in an Irish pub at 3 in the
morning after a bout of sectarian violence.

TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING CANADIAN :
1. It beats being an American.
2. Only country to successfully invade the US and burn its capital to the ground.
3. You can play ice hockey 12 months a year, outdoors.
4. Only country to successfully invade the US and burn its capital to the ground.
5. Where else can you travel 1000 miles over fresh water in a canoe?
6. A political leader can admit to smoking pot and his/her popularity ratings will rise.
7. Only country to successfully invade the US and burn its capital to the ground.
8. Kill Grizzly bears with huge shotguns and cover your house in their skins.
9. Own-an-Eskimo scheme.
10. Only country to successfully invade the US and burn its capital to the ground.

TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING AUSTRALIAN:
1. Know your great-grand-dad was a murdering bar steward that no civilized nation on earth wanted.
2. Fosters Lager.
3. Dispossess Aborigines who have lived in your country for 40,000 years because you think it belongs to you.
4. Cricket captain not afraid to cry live on TV.
5. Tact and sensitivity.
6. Bondi Beach.
7. Other beaches.
8. Liberated attitude to homosexuals.
9. Drinking cold lager on the beach.
10. Having a bit of a swim and then drink some cold lager on the beach.

TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING GREEK
1.You get to shout about your culture although the only real culture most Greeks have is what is growing between their toes. 2.The police are even more corrupt than the criminals they are supposed to be chasing.
3.You can blow your nose in the street by pinching it between the thumb and forefinger and trumpeting forth without everyone around wretching their stomach contents up at the sight.
4.Old women can sport moustaches.
5.Young women can sport moustaches.
6.Men can be hairier than the average grizzly bear and not get put in a zoo.
7.You get to call the bouzouki a musical instrument when the rest of the world sees it as an instrument of torture.
8.You are the only nation to have lost its marbles and still wants to let everyone else around the world know about it.
9.Ridiculous bureaucracy.
10.Nana Mouskouri and Demis Roussos.


posted by bussorah at 7:24 PM

 
Do you remember.....


"Hey Dad," one of my kids asked the other day, "What was your favorite fast food when you were growing up?"

"We didn't have fast food when I was growing up," I informed him. "All the food was slow."

"C'mon, seriously. Where did you eat?"

"It was a place called 'at home,'" I explained. "Grandma cooked every day and when Grandpa got home from work, we sat down together at the dining room table, and if I didn't like what she put on my plate I was allowed to sit there until I did like it."

By this time, the kid was laughing so hard I was afraid he was going to suffer serious internal damage, so I didn't tell him the part about how I had to have permission to leave the table. But here are some other things I would have told him about my childhood if I figured his system could have handled it:

Some parents NEVER owned their own house, wore Levis, set foot on a golf course, traveled out of the country or had a credit card. In their later years they had something called a revolving charge card. The card was good only at Sears Roebuck. Or maybe it was Sears AND Roebuck. Either way, there is no Roebuck anymore. Maybe he died.

My parents never drove me to soccer practice. This was mostly because we never had heard of soccer. I had a bicycle that weighed probably 50 pounds, and only had one speed, (slow). We didn't have a television in our house until I was 11, but my grandparents had one before that. It was, of course, black and white, but they bought a piece of colored plastic to cover the screen. The top third was blue, like the sky, and the bottom third was green, like grass. The middle third was red. It was perfect for programs that had scenes of fire trucks riding across someone's lawn on a sunny day. Some people had a lens taped to the front of the TV to make the picture look larger.

I was 13 before I tasted my first pizza, it was called "pizza pie." When I bit into it, I burned the roof of my mouth and the cheese slid off, swung down, plastered itself against my chin and burned that, too. It's still the best pizza I ever had.

We didn't have a car until I was 15. Before that, the only car in our family was my grandfather's Ford. He called it a "machine."

I never had a telephone in my room. The only phone in the house was in the living room and it was on a party line. Before you could dial, you had to listen and make sure some people you didn't know weren't already using the line.

Pizzas were not delivered to our home. But milk was.

All newspapers were delivered by boys and all boys delivered newspapers. I delivered a newspaper, six days a week. It cost 7 cents a paper, of which I got to keep 2 cents. I had to get up at 4 AM every morning. On Saturday, I had to collect the 42 cents from my customers. My favorite customers were the ones who gave me 50 cents and told me to keep the change. My least favorite customers were the ones who seemed to never be home on collection day.

Movie stars kissed with their mouths shut. At least, they did in the movies. Touching someone else's tongue with yours was called French kissing and they didn't do that in movies. I don't know what they did in French movies. French movies were dirty and we weren't allowed to see them.

If you grew up in a generation before there was fast food, you may want to share some of these memories with your children or grandchildren. Just don't blame me if they bust a gut laughing.

Growing up isn't what it used to be, is it?


posted by bussorah at 7:19 PM

 
A GOOD POEM FOR THE FESTIVE SEASON

The embers glowed softly, and in their dim light,
I gazed round the room and I cherished the sight.

My wife was asleep, her head on my chest,
My son beside me, angelic in rest.

Outside the snow fell, a blanket of white,
Transforming the yard to a winter delight.

The sparkling lights in the tree, I believe,
Completed the magic that was Christmas Eve.

My eyelids were heavy, my breathing was deep,
Secure and surrounded by love I would sleep
In perfect contentment, or so it would seem.
So I slumbered, perhaps I started to dream.

The sound wasn't loud, and it wasn't too near,
But I opened my eyes when it tickled my ear.

Perhaps just a cough, I didn't quite know,
Then the sure sound of footsteps outside in the snow.

My soul gave a tremble, I struggled to hear,
And I crept to the door just to see who was near.

Standing out in the cold and the dark of the night,
A lone figure stood, his face weary and tight.

A soldier, I puzzled, some twenty years old
Perhaps a Marine, huddled here in the cold.

Alone in the dark, he looked up and smiled,
Standing watch over me, and my wife and my child.

"What are you doing?" I asked without fear
"Come in this moment, it's freezing out here!

Put down your pack, brush the snow from your sleeve,
You should be at home on a cold Christmas Eve!"

For barely a moment I saw his eyes shift,
Away from the cold and the snow blown in drifts,
To the window that danced with a warm fire's light
Then he sighed and he said "Its really all right,
I'm out here by choice. I'm here every night."

"It's my duty to stand at the front of the line,
That separates you from the darkest of times.

No one had to ask or beg or implore me,
I'm proud to stand here like my fathers before me."

"My Gramps died at 'Pearl' on a day in December,"
Then he sighed, "That's a Christmas 'Gram always remembers."

"My dad stood his watch in the jungles of 'Nam
And now it is my turn and so, here I am."

"I've not seen my own son in more than a while,
But my wife sends me pictures, he's sure got her smile."

Then he bent and he carefully pulled from his bag,
The red white and blue... an American flag.

"I can live through the cold and the being alone,
Away from my family, my house and my home."

"I can stand at my post through the rain and the sleet,
I can sleep in a foxhole with little to eat."

"I can carry the weight of killing another
Or lay down my life with my sister and brother
who stand at the front against any and all,
to ensure for all time that this flag will not fall."

"So go back inside," he said, "harbor no fright;
Your family is waiting and I'll be all right."

"But isn't there something I can do, at the least,"
"Give you money," I asked, "or prepare you a feast?

"It seems all too little for all that you've done,
For being away from your wife and your son."

Then his eye welled a tear that held no regret,
"Just tell us you love us, and never forget
To fight for our rights back at home while we're gone.
To stand your own watch, no matter how long."

"For when we come home, either standing or dead,
To know you remember we fought and we bled
is payment enough, and with that we will trust.
That we mattered to you as you mattered to us."

Friends, keep Our military people in your prayers. They are risking their lives to protect what we take for granted, and we are losing soldiers every day. They won't be home with their families this Christmas. Pray God will Bless Them, and keep them safe.



posted by bussorah at 7:27 PM

 
Click HERE to see why Santa is so jolly


posted by bussorah at 7:20 PM

 
JOKES GALORE

The bride was anything but a tidy housekeeper. It didn't bother her much until one evening when her husband called from the hall, somewhat dismayed: "Honey, what happened to the dust on this table? I had a phone number written on it."

-------------------------------------------------------

"In politics stupididty is not a handicap." ---Napoleon

-------------------------------------------------------

The lion and the calf shall lie down together, but the calf won't get much sleep. ----Woody Allen

-------------------------------------------------------

Dining out one evening I noticed some teenagers celebrating at a nearby table. When one girl pulled out a camera, I offered to take a picture of the group. After one photo I suggested taking another just in case the first one didn't come out.

"That's ok," she said as she took her camera back. "I always get double prints."

-------------------------------------------------------

"I'm not afraid to die. I just don't want to be there when it happens." ---Woody Allen

-------------------------------------------------------

A man walked by a table in a hotel and noticed three men and a dog playing cards. The dog was exhibiting an extraordinary performance.

"This is a very smart dog," the man commented.

"He's not so smart," said one of the irked players. "Every time he gets a good hand he wags his tail."

-------------------------------------------------------

"There are three things you never want to see on a Christmas present: 'One Size Fits All,' 'Fun for all ages' and 'removes unwanted hair.'" --Jim Mullen, Entertainment Weekly

-------------------------------------------------------

An old Scot, Andy, lay dying in the Highlands and he called his lifelong friend, Jock, to his bedside. 'In yon cupboard is a 40 year old bottle of single malt whiskey' said Andy. 'When I'm dead I want you to pour it over my grave, will you do that Jock?' Jock thinks long and hard about the whiskey and eventually replies. 'Aye, I'll do that Andy, but you'll not mind if it passes through my kidneys first.'

-------------------------------------------------------

If it weren't for the fact that the TV and the refrigerator are so far apart, some of us wouldn't get any exercise at all.

-------------------------------------------------------

"My new dress. Do you like it? It's from my favorite designer, On Sale." --Rita Rudner

-------------------------------------------------------

"Opportunity is missed by most people because it is dressed in overalls and looks like work." --Thomas Edison

-------------------------------------------------------


posted by bussorah at 7:05 PM

 
SOME CHRISTMASSY THOUGHTS

What did the guest sing at Eskimo's Christmas party? ..Freeze a jolly good fellow..

Just before Christmas, an honest politician, a generous lawyer and Santa Claus were riding in the elevator of a very posh hotel. Just before the doors opened they all noticed a $20 bill lying on the floor. Which one picked it up? Santa of course, because the other two don't exist!

How does Mickey Mouse get around during the winter? Mice skates.

What do you call it when your Christmas tree explodes? A tannen-bomb. (tannenbaum)

What's red and white and red and white and red and white? Santa Claus rolling down a hill.







COMEDIANS AT WORK

A holiday classic was on CBS: "Frosty The Snowman." We all know Frosty. He has a snow-white face, the button eyes and a carrot nose ... wait, that's Michael Jackson. -David Letterman

The President and Laura Bush sent out a record two million Christmas cards this year. President Clinton only sent half a million Christmas cards. To be fair President Clinton did send out nearly five million valentines cards. -Jay Leno

Tommy Thompson, the Secretary of Health and Human Services resigned. When he resigned he said, 'I can't understand why the terrorists have not attacked our food supply because it is so easy to do.' Today Osama Bin Laden said, 'Hey, Tommy, thanks for the tip! I appreciate it!' - Jay Leno

"Fans have noticed that Britney Spears' new Kabbalah-inspired Hebrew tattoo actually has the letters reversed, making it meaningless. It's proof once again of how hard it is to find a tattoo artist who graduated from a decent Hebrew School." - Jacob Novak



posted by bussorah at 9:58 PM

 
IF SANTA ANSWERED HIS MAIL HONESTLY:


Dear Santa, I wud like a kool toy space ranjur fer Xmas. Iv ben a good boy all yeer. YeR FReND, BiLLy

Dear Billy, Nice spelling. You're on your way to a career in trash disposal. How about I send you a [*****] dictionary so you can learn to read and write? I'm giving your older brother the space ranger, at least HE can spell! Santa P.S. Have your mother start calling you Rain Man!

Dear Santa, I have been a good girl all year, and the only thing I ask for is peace and joy in the world for everybody! Love, Sarah

Dear Sarah, Your parents smoked pot when they had you, didn't they? Santa

Dear Santa, I don't know if you can do this, but for Christmas, I'd like for my mommy and daddy to get back together. Please see what you can do. Love, Teddy

Dear Teddy, What, like your dad's going to quit banging the babysitter like a screen door in a hurricane? Tell your mom to lose some weight and I'll talk to your daddy. Let me give you some nice Legos and in the meantime and let's see if you can build up a family with those. Santa

Dear Santa, I want a new bike, play station, a train, some G.I. Joe's, a dog, a drum kit, a pony and a tuba. Love, Francis

Dear Francis, I'll tell you what, I'll send you a round trip ticket to the North Pole so when you get here I can kick sense into your [*****] head. Who names their kid "Francis" anyway? I bet you're gay. I'll send you the Village People album instead. Santa

Dear Santa, I left milk and cookies for you under the tree, and I left carrots for your reindeer outside the backdoor. Love, Susan

Dear Susan, Milk gives me the shits and carrots make the deer fart in my face. You want to be nice for Santa? Leave me a bottle of Johnny Walker and some Toblerone and tell your mom to wait up. Santa

Dear Santa, What do you do the other 364 days of the year? Are you making Toys? Your friend, Thomas

Dear Thomas, All toys get made in China. I have a condo in Vegas where I spend most of my time squeezing cocktail waitresses' asses, and losing money at the craps table. And then one shitty day a year, I send toys to all you little fuckers! Santa

Dear Santa, Do you see us when we're sleeping, do you really know when we're awake, like in the song? Love, Jessica

Dear Jessica, Are you really that stupid? I hope my reindeer crash into your window and trample your family in their sleep for having such a stupid child! I'm skipping your house. Santa

Dear Santa, I really really want a puppy this year. Please please please PLEASE PLEASE could I have one? Timmy

Timmy, That whiney, begging [*****] may work with your folks, but that crap don't fly up here. You're getting a King Cobra instead. He likes it when you pat his head. Santa

Dearest Santa, We don't have a chimney in our house, how do you get into our home? Love, Marky

Mark, First of all, stop calling yourself "Marky," that's why you're getting your ass whipped at school. Second, you don't live in a house you live in a low-rent apartment complex in Clinton Third. I can get inside your shithole just like all the hobo's in town do. I will mail your mom some crack the week before Christmas and she will leave me a key. I am sending you food stamps for Christmas! Your friend, Santa


posted by bussorah at 8:29 PM

 
RELIGIONS AND IDEOLOGIES ON TOYS

Capitalism: He who dies with the most toys, wins.

Hari Krishna: He who plays with the most toys wins.

Judaism: He who buys toys at the lowest price wins.

Catholicism: He who denies himself the most toys wins.

Anglicanism: They were our toys first.

Greek Orthodox: No, they were OURS first.

Branch Davidians: He who dies playing with the biggest toys wins.

Atheism: There is no toy maker.

Objectivism: Toys are Toys.

Islam: You must force the world to play with this exact toy, other toys are forbidden.

Polytheism: There are many toy makers.

Evolutionism: The toys made themselves.

Socialism: You will have toys eventually.

Taoism: The doll is as important as the dumptruck.

Mormonism: Every boy may have as many toys as he wants.

Fascism: We have ways of making you play with your toys.

Libertarianism: You can do anything you like with your toys as long as its consensual.

New Labour: We have firm evidence that masses of toys do exist somewhere.

Voodoo: Let me borrow that doll for a second...

Jehovah's Witnesses: He who places the most toys door to door wins.

Pentecostalism: He whose toys can talk wins.

Existentialism: Toys are a figment of your imagination.

Confucianism: Once a toy is dipped in water, it is no longer dry.

Buddhism: What is the sound of one toy playing with itself?



posted by bussorah at 7:18 PM

 
Idle Thoughts of a Retired Person whose Mind Wanders...

I planted some bird seed. A bird came up. Now I don't know what to feed it.
I had amnesia once -- or twice.
I went to San Francisco. I found someone's heart. Now what?
Protons have mass? I didn't even know they were Catholic.
All I ask is a chance to prove that money can't make me happy.
If the world was a logical place, men would ride horses sidesaddle.
What is a "free" gift? Aren't all gifts free?
They told me I was gullible ... and I believed them.
Teach a child to be polite and courteous in the home and, when he grows
up, he'll never be able to merge his car onto a freeway.
Two can live as cheaply as one, for half as long.
Experience is the thing you have left when everything else is gone.
What if there were no hypothetical questions?
One nice thing about egotists: They don't talk about other people.
When the only tool you own is a hammer, every problem begins to look like a nail.
A flashlight is a case for holding dead batteries.
What was the greatest thing before sliced bread? Hmmmm.
My weight is perfect for my height -- which varies.
I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not sure.
The cost of living hasn't affected its popularity.
How can there be self-help "groups"?
Is there another word for synonym?
Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all"?
The speed of time is one-second per second.
Is it possible to be totally partial?
What's another word for thesaurus?
Is Marx's tomb a communist plot?
If swimming is so good for your figure, how do you explain whales?
Show me a man with both feet firmly on the ground, and I'll show you a man who can't get his pants off.
It's not an optical illusion. It just looks like one.



posted by bussorah at 10:28 PM

 
A PRACTICAL LESSON

A young boy went up to his father and asked him, "Dad, what is the difference between potentially and realistically?" The father thought for a moment, then answered, "Go ask your mother if she would sleep with Robert Redford for a million dollars. Then ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Then ask your brother if he'd sleep with Tom Cruise for a million dollars. Come back and tell me what you learn from that."

So the boy asked his mother and she replied, "Of course I would! I wouldn't pass up an opportunity like that." The boy then asked his sister and she replied, "Oh my God! I would just love to do that! I would be nuts to pass up that opportunity!" The boy then went to his brother and asked, "Would you sleep with Tom Cruise for a million dollars?" "Of course," the brother replied. "Do you know how much a million could buy?"

The boy pondered that, then went back to his dad. His father asked him, "Did you find out the difference between potentially and realistically?" The boy replied, "Yes,dad. Potentially, we're sitting on three million dollars. But realistically, we're living with two sluts and a poof."


posted by bussorah at 9:58 PM

 
MIXED METAPHORS

"I don't want anybody stepping on anybody else's thunder."

"You can't pull the sheep over my eyes!"

"I'm thinking in my brain."

"What is that disease where if someone loses a lot of blood they just die?"

"Clean as a baby's bottom."

"I don't mean to take the steam out of your sails, but..."

"She has not seen one red dime from him."

"I used to be as sharp as a button."

"That'll put the monkey in your court."

"We don't want this project to snowball into a can of worms."

"... up the creek in a hand bag."

"It's best not to open that can of wax."

"Let's pair up into threes."

"I just thought myself into a corner."

"We really need to hang on to our coattails to ride the waves of change."

"That way I can kill two bricks with one stone."


posted by bussorah at 7:06 PM

 
CHRISTMAS CAROLS FOR THE PSYCHIATRICALLY CHALLENGED

Schizophrenia --- Do You Hear What I Hear?

Multiple Personality Disorder --- We Three Queens Disoriented Are

Amnesia --- I Don't Know if I'll be Home for Christmas

Narcissistic --- Hark the Herald Angels Sing About Me

Manic --- Deck the Halls and Walls and House and Lawn and Streets and Stores and Office and Town and Cars and Buses and Trucks and Trees and Fire Hydrants and ...

Paranoid --- Santa Claus is Coming to Get Me

Borderline Personality Disorder --- Thoughts of Roasting on an Open Fire

Personality Disorder --- You Better Watch Out, I'm Gonna Cry, I'm Gonna Pout, Maybe I'll tell You Why

Obsessive Compulsive Disorder ---Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells ..

Agoraphobia --- I Heard the Bells on Christmas Day But Wouldn't Leave My House

Autistic --- Jingle Bell Rock and Rock and Rock and Rock ...

Senile Dementia --- Walking in a Winter Wonderland Miles From My House in My Slippers and Robe

Oppositional Defiant Disorder --- I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus So I Burned Down the House

Social Anxiety Disorder --- Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas While I Sit Here and Hyperventilate.



posted by bussorah at 7:06 PM

 
Colonoscopies

An Australian physician has claimed that the following are actual comments made by his patients (predominately male) while he was performing their colonoscopies. To understand them all you may need to know that Harold Holt was an Australian Prime Minister who disappeared whilst he was surfing and whose body has never been found. Tasmania has something of a reputation for sexual perversion -- principally incest. James Hardie is a company that used to make asbestos sheeting products for home building until lawsuits claiming health problems from the asbestos drove them out of that business.

1. "Take it easy Doc, you're boldly going where no man has gone before!"
2. "Find Harold Holt yet?"
3. "Can you hear me NOW?"
4. "Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?"
5. "You know in Tasmania we're now legally married."
6. "Any sign of the trapped miners Chief?"
7. "You put your left hand in, you take your left hand out..."
8. "Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!"
9. "If your hand doesn't fit, you must quit!"
10. "Hey Doc, let me know if you find my dignity."
11. "You used to be an executive at James Hardie, didn'tyou?"
12. "God, Now I know why I am not gay."
13. "Could you write a note for my wife saying that my head is in fact not up there






Oh For The Irish

An Irishman staggered home late after another evening at the pub with his drinking mates. Shoes in his left hand to avoid waking his wife, he tiptoed as quietly as he could toward the stairs leading to their upstairs bedroom, but misjudged the bottom step in the darkened entryway. As he caught himself by grabbing the banister, his body swung around and he landed heavily on his rump. A whisky bottle in each back pocket broke and made the landing especially painful. Managing to suppress a yelp, the man sprung up, pulled down his pants, and examined his lacerated and bleeding cheeks in the mirror of a nearby darkened hallway, then managed to find a
large full box of Band-aids and proceeded to place a patch as best he could on each place he saw blood. After hiding the now almost empty box, he managed to shuffle and stumble his way to bed. In the morning, the man awoke with searing pain in his head and backside and his wife staring at him from across the room. She said, "You were drunk again last night." Forcing himself to ignore his agony, he looked meekly at her and replied, "Now, be gorrah, why would you say such a mean thing?"

"Well," she said, "it could be the open front door, it could be the glass at the bottom of the stairs, it could be the drops of blood trailing through the house, It could be your bloodshot eyes, but, mostly.... It's all those damn Band-aids stuck on the downstairs mirror".


posted by bussorah at 7:33 PM

 
A GOOD NEWS STORY?

Osama bin Laden take note: You wouldn't be safe in Costa Rica. A startled taxi driver shot and wounded a jokester wearing a plastic mask of the al-Qaida leader, police said Tuesday.

Leonel Arias, 47, told police he was playing a practical joke by donning the Bin Laden mask, toting his pellet rifle and jumping out to scare drivers on a narrow street in his hometown, Carrizal de Alajuela, about 20 miles north of San Jose. Arias had startled several drivers that way on Monday afternoon. But when he jumped out in front of taxi driver Juan Pablo Sandoval, the motorist reached for a gun and shot him twice in the stomach. He was hospitalized in stable condition.

"For me and I think for anybody else at a time like that one thinks the worst and so I fired my gun," Sandoval told Channel 7 television. Police declined to detain Sandoval, saying he had believed he was acting in self-defense.

(From My Way)






Southern Nativity Scene

An Outsider in a small Arkansas town around Christmas time, saw a "Nativity Scene" that showed great skill and talent had gone into creating it. But one small feature was all wrong: the three wise men were wearing firemen's helmets.

Totally unable to come up with a reason or explanation, he left. At a "Quik Stop" on the edge of town, he asked the lady behind the counter about the helmets.

She exploded into a rage, yelling, "You darn Yankees never read your Bibles!"

The Outsider assured her that he did, but simply couldn't recall anything about firemen in the Bible.

She jerked her Bible from behind the counter and riffled through some pages, and finally jabbed her finger at a passage. Sticking it in the guy's face she said, "See, it says right here, 'The three wise men come from afar.'"


posted by bussorah at 7:40 PM

 
Holiday Eating Tips

1. Avoid carrot sticks. Anyone who puts carrots on a holiday buffet table knows nothing of the Christmas spirit. In fact, if you see carrots, leave immediately. Go next door, where they're serving rum balls.

2. Drink as much eggnog as you can. And quickly. Like fine single-malt scotch, it's rare. In fact, it's even rarer than single-malt scotch. You can't find it any other time of year but now. So drink up! Who cares that it has 10,000 calories in every sip? It's not as if you're going to turn into an eggnog-aholic or something. It's a treat. Enjoy it. Have one for me. Have two. It's later than you think. It's Christmas!

3. If something comes with gravy, use it. That's the whole point of gravy. Gravy does not stand alone. Pour it on. Make a volcano out of your mashed potatoes. Fill it with gravy. Eat the volcano. Repeat.

4. As for mashed potatoes, always ask if they're made with skim milk or whole milk. If it's skim, pass. Why bother? It's like buying a sports car with an automatic transmission.

5. Do not have a snack before going to a party in an effort to control your eating. The whole point of going to a Christmas party is to eat other people's food for free. Lots of it. Hello?

6. Under no circumstances should you exercise between now and New Year's. You can do that in January when you have nothing else to do. This is the time for long naps, which you'll need after circling the buffet table while carrying a 10-pound plate of food and that vat of eggnog.

7. If you come across something really good at a buffet table, like frosted Christmas cookies in the shape and size of Santa, position yourself near them and don't budge. Have as many as you can before becoming the centre of attention. They're like a beautiful pair of shoes. If you leave them behind you're never going to see them again.

8. Same for pies. Apple. Pumpkin. Mince. Have a slice of each. Or, if you don't like mince, have two apples and one pumpkin. Always have three. When else do you get to have more than one dessert?

9. Did someone mention fruitcake?

10. One final tip: If you don't feel terrible when you leave the party or get up from the table, you haven't been paying attention. Reread tips: start over, but hurry - January is just around the corner.



posted by bussorah at 7:34 PM

 
Zen Thoughts


Zen thoughts for those who take life too Seriously:

Save the whales. Collect the whole set.

A day without sunshine is like...night.

On the other hand, you have different fingers.

I just got lost in thought. It wasn't familiar territory.

42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.

99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe.

Honk if you love peace and quiet.

Remember, half the people you know are below average.

He who laughs last, thinks slowest.

Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese in the trap.

I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.

Support bacteria. They're the only culture some people have.

Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your week.

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

Change is inevitable, except from vending machines.

Get a new car for your spouse. It'll be a great trade!

Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.

Always try to be modest, and be proud of it!

If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments.

How many of you believe in psycho-kinesis? Raise my hand...

OK, so what's the speed of dark?

How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?

If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.

When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.

Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just don't have film.

If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

How much deeper would the ocean be without sponges?

Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.

I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.

Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?

Inside every older person is a younger person wondering what the hell happened.

Just remember - if the world didn't suck, we would all fall off.

Light travels faster than sound. That is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.


posted by bussorah at 7:01 PM

 
Greeks vs Italians


A Greek and Italian were sitting down one day debating who had the superior culture.

The Greek says, "We have the Parthenon"

The Italian says, "We have the Colosseum"

The Greek says "We had great Mathematicians"

The Italian says, "We had the Roman Empire" and so on and so on

and then the Greek Says, "We invented sex!"

The Italian says, "That's true, but it was the Italians who introduced it to women "





TAX CUTS

Let's put tax cuts in terms everyone can understand. Suppose that every day, ten men go out for dinner. The bill for all ten comes to $100. If they paid their bill the way we pay our taxes, it would go something like this:

* The first four men (the poorest) would pay nothing.
* The fifth would pay $1.
* The sixth would pay $3.
* The seventh $7.
* The eighth $12.
* The ninth $18.
* The tenth man (the richest) would pay $59.

So, that's what they decided to do. The ten men ate dinner in the restaurant every day and seemed quite happy with the arrangement, until one day, the owner threw them a curve.

"Since you are all such good customers," he said, "I'm going to reduce the cost of your daily meal by $20."


So, now dinner for the ten only cost $80. The group still wanted to pay their bill the way we pay our taxes.

So, the first four men were unaffected. They would still eat for free. But what about the other six, the paying customers? How could they divvy up the $20 windfall so that everyone would get his 'fair share'?

The six men realized that $20 divided by six is $3.33. But if they subtracted that from everybody's share, then the fifth man and the sixth man would each end up being 'PAID' to eat their meal.

So, the restaurant owner suggested that it would be fair to reduce each man's bill by roughly the same amount, and he proceeded to work out the amounts each should pay.

And so:

* The fifth man, like the first four, now paid nothing (100% savings).
* The sixth now paid $2 instead of $3 (33% savings).
* The seventh now paid $5 instead of $7 (28% savings).
* The eighth now paid $9 instead of $12 (25% savings).
* The ninth now paid $14 instead of $18 (22% savings).
* The tenth now paid $49 instead of $59 (16% savings).

Each of the six was better off than before. And the first four continued to eat for free. But once outside the restaurant, the men began to compare their savings. "I only got a dollar out of the $20," declared the sixth man. He pointed to the tenth man "but he got $10!"

"Yeah, that's right," exclaimed the fifth man. "I only saved a dollar, too. It's unfair that he got ten times more than me!"


"That's true!!" shouted the seventh man. "Why should he get $10 back when I got only $2? The wealthy get all the breaks!"

"Wait a minute," yelled the first four men in unison. "We didn't get anything at all.. The system exploits the poor!"

The nine men surrounded the tenth and beat him up.

The next night the tenth man didn't show up for dinner, so the nine sat down and ate without him. But when it came time to pay the bill, they discovered something important. They didn't have enough money between all of them for even half of the bill!

And that, boys and girls, journalists and college professors, is how our tax system works. The people who pay the highest taxes get the most benefit from a tax reduction. Tax them too much, attack them for being wealthy, and they just may not show up at the table anymore. There are lots of good restaurants in Europe and the Caribbean.

(Attributed to David R. Kamerschen, Ph.D., Distinguished Professor of Economics, 536 Brooks Hall, University of Georgia)


posted by bussorah at 7:09 PM

 
A Hell of a Question


The following is supposedly an actual question given on a University of Washington chemistry mid-term exam paper. The answer by one student was so "profound" that the professor shared it with colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well.

Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?

Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant. One student, however, wrote the following:

First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving.

As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different Religions that exist in the world today. Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to
Hell.

With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added.

This gives two possibilities:

1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.

2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over. So which is it?

If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year that,"it will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you", and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number 2 must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over. The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore, extinct...leaving only Heaven, thereby proving the existence of a divine being which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting "Oh my God."

THIS STUDENT RECEIVED THE ONLY "A"


posted by bussorah at 7:05 PM

 
CORPORATE MEMO


To: All Staff
Date: December 1
Subject: New "Twelve Days of Christmas" Policy


The recent announcement that Donner and Blitzen have elected to take the early reindeer retirement package has triggered a good deal of concern about whether they will be replaced, and about other restructuring decisions at the North Pole.

Streamlining is due to the North Pole's loss of dominance in the season's gift distribution business. Home Shopping TV channels and mail order catalogues have diminished Santa's market share. He and the Board could not sit idly by and permit further erosion of the profit picture.

The reindeer downsizing was made possible through purchase of a late model Japanese sled for the CEO's annual trip. Improved productivity from Dasher and Dancer, who summered at the Harvard Business School, is anticipated. Reduction in the reindeer will also lessen airborne environmental emissions for which the North Pole has received unfavourable press (gas and solid waste).

We're pleased to inform you that Rudolph's role will not be disturbed. Tradition still counts for something at the North Pole!

Management denies, in the strongest possible language, the earlier leak that Rudolph's nose get red, not from the cold, but from substance abuse. Calling Rudolph "a lush who was into the sauce and never did pull his share of the load" was an unfortunate comment, made by one of Santa's helpers and taken out of context at a time of the year when they are known to be under 'executive stress'.

As for further restructuring, today's global challenges require the North Pole to continue to look for better, more competitive steps. Effective immediately, the following economy measures are to take place in the "Twelve Days of Christmas" music subsidiary:

1) The partridge will be retained, but the pear tree, which never produced the cash crop forecasted, will be replaced by a plastic hanging plant, providing considerable savings in maintenance;

2) Two turtle doves represent a redundancy that is simply not cost effective. In addition, their romance during working hours could not be condoned. The positions are, therefore, eliminated;

3) The three French hens will remain intact. After all, everyone loves the French;

4) The four calling birds will be replaced by an automated voice mail system, with a call waiting option. An analysis is underway to determine who the birds have been calling, how often and how long they talked;

5) The five golden rings have been put on hold by the Board of Directors. Maintaining a portfolio based on one commodity could have negative implications for institutional investors. Diversification into other precious metals, as well as a mix of T-Bills and high technology stocks, appear to be in order;

6) The six geese-a-laying constitutes a luxury which can no longer be afforded. It has long been felt that the production rate of one egg per goose per day was an example of the general decline in productivity. Three geese will be let go, and an upgrading in the selection procedure by personnel will assure management that, from now on, every goose it gets will be a good one;

7) The seven swans-a-swimming is obviously a number chosen in better times. The function is primarily decorative. Mechanical swans are on order. The current swans will be retrained to learn some new strokes, thereby enhancing their outplacement;

8) As you know, the eight maids-a-milking concept has been under heavy scrutiny by the EEOC. A male/female balance in the workforce is being sought. The more militant maids consider this a dead-end job with no upward mobility. Automation of the process may permit the maids to try a-mending, a-mentoring or a-mulching;

9) Nine ladies dancing has always been an odd number. This function will be phased out as these individuals grow older and can no longer do the steps;

10) Ten Lords-a-leaping is overkill. The high cost of Lords, plus the expense of international air travel, prompted the Compensation Committee to suggest replacing this group with ten out-of-work congressmen. While leaping ability may be somewhat sacrificed, the savings are significant as we expect an oversupply of unemployed congressmen this year;

11) Eleven pipers piping and twelve drummers drumming is a simple case of the band getting too big. A substitution with a string quartet, a cutback on new music, and no uniforms, will produce savings which will drop right to the bottom line;

Overall we can expect a substantial reduction in assorted people, fowl, animals and related expenses. Though incomplete, studies indicate that stretching deliveries over twelve days is inefficient. If we can drop ship in one day, service levels will be improved.

Regarding the lawsuit filed by the attorney's association seeking expansion to include the legal profession ("thirteen lawyers-a-suing"), a decision is pending.

Deeper cuts may be necessary in the future to remain competitive. Should that happen, the Board will request management to scrutinize the Snow White Division to see if seven dwarfs is the right number.


posted by bussorah at 7:16 PM

 
JAY LENO FOUND THIS TO BE THE MOST EMBARRASSING FIRST DATE EXPERIENCE:

Marilyn said it was midwinter... snowing and quite cold...and the guy had taken her skiing to Lake Arrowhead. The outing was fun but relatively uneventful until they were home late that afternoon.gradually began to realize that she should not have had that extra latte. They were about an hour away from anywhere with a rest room and in the middle of nowhere! Her companion suggested she try to hold it, which she did for awhile. Unfortunately,because of the heavy snow and slow going, there came a point where she told him that he had better stop and let her pee beside the road, or it would be the front seat of his car.

They stopped and she quickly crawled out beside the car, yanked her pants down and started. Unfortunately, in the deep snow she didn't have good footing, so she let her butt rest against the rear fender to steady herself. Her companion stood on the side of the car watching for traffic and indeed was a real gentleman and refrained from peeking. All she could think about was the relief she felt despite the rather embarrassing nature of the situation.

Upon finishing however, she soon became aware of another sensation. As she bent to pull up her pants, the young lady discovered: her buttocks were firmly glued against the car's fender. Thoughts of tongues frozen to pump handles immediately came to mind as she attempted to disengage her flesh from the icy metal. It was quickly apparent that she had a brand new problem due to the extreme cold. Horrified by her plight and yet aware of the humor she answered her date's concerns about "what was taking so long" with a reply that indeed, shewas freezing her butt off and needed some assistance"!

He came around the car as she tried to cover herself with her sweater and then, as she looked imploringly into his eyes, he burst out laughing. She too, got the giggles and when they finally managed to compose themselves, they assessed her dilemma. Obviously, as hysterical as the situation was, they also werefaced with a real problem. Both agreed it would take something hot to free her chilly cheeks from the grip of the icy metal!

Thinking about what had gotten her into the predicament in the first place, both quickly realized that there was only one way to get her free. So, as she looked the other way her first time date proceeded to unzip his pants and pee her butt off the fender. As for the Tonight Show... she took the prize hands down... or perhaps that should be "pants down." And you thought your first date was embarrassing!

Jay Leno's comment - - - - This gives a whole new meaning to being "pissed off"



posted by bussorah at 8:28 PM

 
I LOVED THIS ONE:

One sunny day in 2005, an old man approached the White House from across Pennsylvania Avenue, where he'd been sitting on a park bench. He spoke to the Marine standing guard and said, "I would like to go in and meet with President Kerry."

The Marine replied, "Sir, Mr. Kerry is not President and doesn't reside here."

The old man said, "Okay," and walked away. The following day, the same man approached the White House and said to the same Marine, "I would like to go in and meet with President Kerry"

The Marine again told the man, "Sir, as I said yesterday, Mr. Kerry is not President and doesn't reside here."

The man thanked him and again walked away. The third day, the same man approached the White House and spoke to the very same Marine, saying "I would like to go in and meet with President Kerry."

The Marine, understandably agitated at this point, looked at the man and said, "Sir, this is the third day in a row you have been here asking to
speak to Mr. Kerry. I've told you already that Mr. Kerry is not the President and doesn't reside here. Don't you understand?"

The old man answered, "Oh, I understand. I just love hearing it."

The Marine snapped to attention, saluted, and said, "See you tomorrow."


posted by bussorah at 10:34 PM

 
THE TRAMP

A man was walking down the street when he was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless man who asked him for a couple of dollars for dinner.

The man took out his wallet, extracted ten dollars and asked, "If I give you this money, will you buy some beer with it instead?"

"No, I had to stop drinking years ago," the homeless man replied.

"Will you use it to gamble instead of buying food?" the man asked.

"No, I don't gamble," the homeless man said. "I need everything I Can get just to stay alive."

"Will you spend this on greens fees at a golf course instead of food?" the man asked.

"Are you NUTS!" replied the homeless man. "I haven't played golf in 20 years!"

"Will you spend the money on a woman in the red light district instead of food?" the man asked.

"What disease would I get for ten lousy bucks?" exclaimed the homeless man.

"Well," said the man, "I'm going to give you the money, and I am also going to take you home for a terrific dinner cooked by my wife."

The homeless man was astounded. "Won't your wife be furious with you for doing that? I know I'm dirty, and I probably smell pretty disgusting."

The man replied, "That's okay. I just want her to see what a man looks like who's given up drinking, gambling, golf, and sex."


posted by bussorah at 8:21 PM

 
SCRABBLE CHAMPIONSHIP


DORMITORY:
When you rearrange the letters:
DIRTY ROOM

PRESBYTERIAN:
When you rearrange the letters:
BEST IN PRAYER



DESPERATION:
When you rearrange the letters:
A ROPE ENDS IT

GEORGE BUSH:
When you rearrange the letters:
HE BUGS GORE



THE MORSE CODE:
When you rearrange the letters:
HERE COME DOTS

SLOT MACHINES:
When you rearrange the letters:
CASH LOST IN ME



ANIMOSITY:
When you rearrange the letters:
IS NO AMITY



MOTHER-IN-LAW:
When you rearrange the letters:
WOMAN HITLER

SNOOZE ALARMS:
When you rearrange the letters:
ALAS! NO MORE Z 'S



A DECIMAL POINT:
When you rearrange the letters:
IM A DOT IN PLACE

THE EARTHQUAKES:
When you rearrange the letters:
THAT QUEER SHAKE



ELEVEN PLUS TWO:
When you rearrange the letters:
TWELVE PLUS ONE


AND FOR THE GRAND FINALE:




PRESIDENT CLINTON OF THE USA:
When you rearrange the letters
(With no letters left over and using each letter only once):
TO COPULATE HE FINDS INTERNS



posted by bussorah at 9:09 PM

 
A LETTER FROM SANTA

Dear Friends:

I have been watching you very closely to see whether you have been good this year, and since you have, I will be telling my elves to make some goodies for me to leave under your tree at Christmas. I was going to bring you all gifts from the 12 days of Christmas, but we had a little problem. The 12 fiddlers fiddling have all come down with VD from fiddling with the 10 ladies dancing; the 11 lords leaping have knocked up the 8 maids a-milking; and the 9 pipers piping have been arrested for doing weird things to the 7 swans a-swimming. The 6 geese a-laying, 4 calling birds, 3 French hens, 2 turtle doves, and the partridge in a pear tree have me up to my sled runners in bird shit. On top of all this, Mrs. Claus is going through menopause, 8 of my reindeer are in heat, the elves have joined the gay liberation and some people who can't read a calendar have scheduled Christmas for the 5th of January. Maybe next year I will be able to get my shit together and bring you the things you want. This year I suggest you get your asses down to Wal-Mart before everything is gone.

Love, Santa




A WICKED PARROT

A woman goes into a pet shop looking for a parrot.

The assistant shows her a beautiful African Grey parrot: 'What about this one, Madam? A beautiful bird, I'm sure you'll agree,and it's an absolute steal at only $20.'

Why is it that cheap?' the woman asks.

'Well', replies the assistant, it used to live in a brothel and as a result its language is a touch fruity.'
'Oh, I don't mind that',said the woman, making her mind up, I'm broad minded and it'll be a laugh having a profane parrot'. So saying, she buys the parrot and takes him home.

Once safely in his new home, the parrot looks around and squawks at the woman, 'F==k me, a new brothel and a new madam' 'I'm not a madam and this isn't a brothel' says the woman indignantly.

A little later the woman's two teenage daughters arrive home. 'A new brothel, a new madam, and now new prostitutes' says the parrot when he sees the daughters. 'Mum, tell your parrot to shut-up,we're not prostitutes' complained the girls, but they all see the funny side and have a laugh at their new pet.

A short while later, the woman's husband comes home Well f==k me, a new brothel,a new madam, new whores, but the same old clients. How ya doin', Barry?'



posted by bussorah at 7:49 PM

 
LONG SHORTS

Q: Today I was stumped by the following. I saw a young man on campus who was wearing leg coverings that came to mid-calf. Are they long shorts, I wondered, or short pants? What do you think?

A: We must examine the essential shorts-ness of the form of the "shorts" and the pants-ness of "pants". What makes shorts shorts and pants pants? There are two main views:

1. Shortsness and pantsness is inherent in a clothing item. It is not relative to whom or what it is placed in or upon. Thus, shorts remain shorts whether around someone's legs or in a drawer, because the very shortsness that defines shorts is inherent in the shorts.

2. Shortsness and pantsness is relative to their position on the legs of a living being or representation of a living being. "One man's shorts are another man's pants," as the ancient Greeks would say. "Shorts" and "pants" refer to the properties of an individual clothing item used a certain way, but not to their substance. An implication of this is that "shorts" in a drawer are not, strictly speaking, true shorts. We only call them such as a matter of convenience.

Some may say that it is the intention of the shorts' or pants' maker that determines whether shorts and pants are shorts or pants; if they were made to be worn as shorts, they are shorts, and so on. However, holders of this view do not merit their own class, as they could be shown in truth to be holding one of the two aforementioned opinions.

The only other views I can think of on this matter, the matter of shortsness and pantsness, are what I call the views of the "shorts atheist" who believes that shorts do not exist, the "shorts pantheist" who believes all are shorts, the "shorts solipsist" who believes that the whole world is the dream of one shorts, and the "shorts agnostic" who believes we can never truly know about shorts.

I myself am a shorts agnostic.

(Stolen from Church Voices)


posted by bussorah at 7:06 PM

 
THE COMEDIANS ON DAN RATHER

Jay Leno:

"I’m sure you heard about this - the Republicans have won yet another seat: Dan Rather’s! He’s leaving CBS."

"Dan Rather said stepping down was the hardest thing he ever had to announce in his career. Actually, the second-hardest. The hardest thing he had to announce? Bush being re-elected."

"Dan Rather said today that his decision to retire has nothing to do with the controversy over those fake National Guard documents. That’s kind of like Yasser Arafat saying his decision to step down had nothing to do with him dying."

You sound like President Bush when he heard Dan Rather is stepping down.

"I guess you heard, Dan Rather announced today that he’s stepping down as anchor of the CBS News. Though rather said he hasn’t been able to verify it yet. So it’s not official…

"He uses all those Texas expressions. He said 'He’d leave when the kettle starts whistling at the frying pan.' What does that mean?

"Dan Rather announced that he’s stepping down as the anchor of the CBS Evening News. I had a feeling something was coming yesterday when he signed off with, 'I’m Dan Rather and you can all bite me.'"

"But he’s not leaving show business. I guess he has a lot of offers. He might host the show 'Ripley’s Believe It or Not.'"

"Dan Rather said he looks forward to working as an investigative reporter 'full time.' See, that’s how the whole forged documents story happened. He was only investigating part time. If he had been working on it full time it would have never happened."

"He’s been there 24 years. That’s longer than any other news anchor. Walter Cronkite was only 19 years. When he started at CBS News, Andy Rooney’s eyebrows were only a foot long."


Letterman:

"Dan Rather is going to retire in May. He is stepping down after 24 years. That makes it official – I’m now the weirdest guy on CBS."

"Don’t worry about Dan. In 2009 he takes over for Jay Leno."

"Dan Rather is stepping down in March from CBS News. He will be replaced by Conan O’Brien."


posted by bussorah at 10:03 PM

 
SOME DEEP THOUGHTS

Who is the sadist who designs the window drapes in hotel rooms so that they never completely close?

If George W. Bush in his first debate with John Kerry (which his own people concede he lost) really was wearing a wire in that bulge under his suit jacket, then who was advising him on the other end? James Carville?

Cloning is a complex, ethical issue. But there is something funny when C-SPAN showed a House of Representatives debate on the subject featuring 213 white guys in blue suits, identical shirts and red ties all expressing their personal opposition to cloning.

The United States has proudly helped restore and spread democracy to Germany, Japan, the countries of the former Soviet bloc and elsewhere. But not once in any of those nations has the United States ever once urged: "We have a wonderfully ingenious system for electing our president that you really ought to emulate. ... We call it the Electoral College."

I have not talked to a single serious politician who does not think that New York Sen. Hillary Rodham Clinton, if she did run, would be the favorite and front-runner for the 2008 Democratic presidential nomination. Nor have I found one politician, outside of the Clinton camp, who thinks that she could win the presidential election.

Has there ever been an automobile dealership anywhere that did not have its own "award-winning service department"?

After his unsuccessful 2000 presidential campaign, U.S. Sen. John McCain, R-Arizona, regularly mentioned that he was only the most recent in the list of fellow Arizonans -- Barry Goldwater, Morris K. Udall and Bruce Babbitt -- who had failed to win the White House, adding that "Arizona is the only state where a mother does not tell her child that she could grow up and become president." After the experiences of Ted Kennedy in 1980, Michael Dukakis in 1988, the late Paul Tsongas in 1992 and John Kerry in 2004, it may be time to tell all sons and daughters of Massachusetts with national ambitions that they should leave the old Bay State forthwith.

(From Mark Shields)

posted by bussorah at 7:49 PM

 
SOME SELF-CONTRADICTIIONS



45. Act naturally
44. Found missing
43. Resident alien
42. Advanced BASIC
41. Genuine imitation
40. Airline food




39. Good grief
38. Same difference
37. Almost exactly
36. Government organisation
35. Sanitary landfill
34. Alone together
33. Legally drunk
32. Silent scream
31. Living dead
30. Small crowd




29. Business ethics
28. Soft rock
27. Butt Head
26. Military Intelligence
25. Software documentation
24. New classic
23. Sweet sorrow
22. Childproof
21. "Now, then ..."
20. Synthetic natural gas




19. Passive aggression
18. Taped live
17. Clearly misunderstood
16. Peace force
15. Extinct Life
14. Temporary tax increase
13. Computer jock
12. Plastic glasses
11. Terribly pleased
10. Computer security




9. Political science
8. Tight slacks
7. Definite maybe
6. Pretty ugly
5. Twelve-ounce pound cake
4. Diet ice cream
3. Working vacation
2. Exact estimate




1. Microsoft Works (!!)


posted by bussorah at 7:27 PM