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A SHORT HISTORY OF MEDICINE:

"Doctor, I have an ear ache."

2000 B.C. - "Here, eat this root."
1000 B.C. - "That root is heathen, say this prayer."
1850 A.D. - "That prayer is superstition, drink this potion."
1940 A.D. - "That potion is snake oil, swallow this pill."
1985 A.D. - "That pill is ineffective, take this antibiotic."
2000 A.D. - "That antibiotic is artificial. Here, eat this root!"





KIDDY WISDOM

The seven-year old girl told her mom, "A boy in my class asked me to play doctor."
"Oh, dear," the mother nervously sighed. "What happened, honey?"
"Nothing, he made me wait 45 minutes and then double-billed the insurance company."





THE NEWS

A good one for the ladies: "Women are being given the chance to 'dive into chocolate' to make themselves beautiful at a health spa in Paris. Beauty treatments include a Chocolate and Cranberry Body Scrub, a Toffee Chocolate Wrap and a Deep Chocolate Massage. Therapists at the Four Seasons Hotel George V spa say cocoa has anti-ageing properties and that the treatments are designed to be 'anti diet'. "You know you're going to do yourself good and you won't have any regrets afterwards," said manager Isabelle Schlumberger. "On the contrary you feel good in every sense, all the senses have been satisfied. It's such a rejection of the idea of dieting, to dive into chocolate." The ultimate two and a half hour Decadent Chocolate Package costs £200 and comes complete with a bowl of chocolate sweets beside the massage table".

UK: "Darth Vader" arrested for not wearing seatbelt : "A Darth Vader impersonator was fined by police for not wearing a seatbelt. Chris Gedge from Old Stratford, Northants, was driving to a promotions job in the fancy dress when he was stopped by police on the M1. He has two of his friends dressed in Stormtrooper outfits in the back of the car reports The Sun. He said: 'The police pulled me over and asked me who I was. I told them I was the Dark Lord of the Sith. I'm sure they had a good laugh back at the station, saying they'd just done Darth Vader for not wearing a seatbelt.'"


Easy crook to find: "Some agents spotted Keith Washington walking into a federal courthouse, where he was checking the status of a lawsuit he had filed against a former employer. Washington is hard to miss - police say the man suspected in 13 bank robberies weighs 320 and has a shaved head and severe scars on his face. He was dubbed the Bandaged Bandit because he would sometimes wear bandages on his face. The FBI says agents followed Washington and spent six days investigating to make sure they had the right man. He was arrested Thursday on charges of robbing a bank of $670 in February."


(And don't forget to catch up with all the Strange Justice before you go)


posted by bussorah at 6:16 PM

 


Stupid Questions?


1. Why does your gynecologist leave the room when you undress?

2. If a person owns a piece of land, do they own it all the way down to the center of the earth?

3. Why can't woman put their mascara on with their mouth closed?

4. Why is it called alcoholics anonymous when the first thing you do is stand up and say "hi, my name's Bob. I'm an alcoholic"?

5. If you mated a Bulldog with a Shitsu would you get a Bullshit?

6. Why are they called stairs inside but steps outside?

7. Why is there a light in the fridge but not in the freezer?

8. Why does mineral water that has trickled through mountains for centuries have a use by date?

9. Why do toasters always have a setting on them which burns your toast to a horrible crisp no one would eat?

10. Who was the first person to look at a cow and say "I think i'll squeeze these dangly things here and drink what comes out"?

11. What do people in China call their good plates?

12. If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of a coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat?

13. Why does Goofy stand on two legs when Pluto remains on four? They're both dogs.

14. What do you call male ballerinas?

15. Can blind people see their dreams and do they dream?

16. If Wile E coyote has enough money to by all that Acme crap why doesn't he buy his dinner?

17. Why is a person who handles money called a broker?

18. If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?

19. If corn oil is made from corn and vegetable oil is made from vegetables. What is baby oil made from?

20. If a man is walking in a forest and no women is there to hear him is he still wrong?

21. Why is it that when someone tells you that there's billions of stars in the universe, you believe them. But if they tell you there's wet paint somewhere you have to touch it?

22. Why do you call it an asteroid when its outside the hemisphere, yet call it hemorrhoid when its in your ass?

23. Did you ever notice that if you blow in a dogs face it goes mad, yet when you take him on a car ride he sticks his head straight out the window?






THE NEWS

Nutty Norwegians -- A guy can't even get lucky: "A Norwegian court has sentenced a woman to nine months in jail for raping a man, the first such conviction in the Scandinavian country that prides itself for its egalitarianism. The 31-year-old man fell asleep on a sofa at a party in January last year and told the court in the western city of Bergen he woke to find the 23-year-old woman was having oral sex with him. Under Norwegian law, all sexual acts with someone who is "unconscious or for other reasons unable to oppose the act" are considered rape. The court sentenced the woman Wednesday to nine months in jail and ordered her to pay 40,000 Norwegian crowns ($6,355) in compensation. "This is a very harsh sentence," the woman's lawyer, Per Magne Kristiansen, told the Norwegian news agency NTB. The woman argued the man had been awake and consented. The prosecutor had sought a 10-month sentence and argued the court should not be more lenient with a woman than a man. It was Norway's first conviction of a woman for rape. Norway has long traditions of equality -- 40 percent of the cabinet of Prime Minister Kjell Magne Bondevik, for instance, are women."


Strange burglar: "There may be a burglar with a conscience in Garfield County. A television, stereo, and VCR were stolen over the weekend from a house in the small town of Kremlin. Undersheriff Jerry Niles said the woman who lives at the house called deputies Monday night to say that someone broke into her house again while she was away, returned the electronics gear, even restoring the wiring and repairing a door jamb damaged in the original break-in. "It was spooky," Niles said. He said it was the first time he has ever seen all of the property taken in a burglary returned like that. Deputies are still investigating the case."


California tokenism: "The state Air Resources Board was poised Thursday to adopt a new limit on ozone levels that would give California the toughest pollution guidelines in the nation - a standard that critics argue would be largely symbolic. Supporters estimate that, if fully effective, the new guideline could save Californians millions lost each year to medical costs and low productivity linked to smog-induced illness. They insist that while it may take years for the state to meet the new standard, its existence will force air quality districts to implement strategies to reduce pollution in the long-term. The majority of the state currently fails the less stringent federal standard. At the same time, California has no authority to impose sanctions for violations of its rules."


(And don't forget to catch up with all the Strange Justice before you go)


posted by bussorah at 5:33 PM

 


THE GREAT CAT AND DOG DEBATE

Why Dogs are better than Cats

11. Dogs come when you call them. Cats take a message and get back to you when they are good and ready.
10. Dogs look much better at the end of a leash.
9. Dogs will let you give them a bath without taking out a contract on your life.
8. Dogs will bark to wake you up if the house is on fire. Cats will quietly sneak out the back door.
7. Dogs will bring you your slippers or the evening newspaper. Cats might bring you a dead mouse.
6. Dogs will play Frisbee with you all afternoon. Cats will take a three-hour nap.
5. Dogs will sit on the car seat next to you. Cats have to have their own private box or they will not go at all.
4. Dogs will greet you and lick your face when you come home from work. Cats will be mad that you went to work at all.
3. Dogs will sit, lie down, and heel on command. Cats will smirk and walk away.
2. Dogs will tilt their heads and listen whenever you talk. Cats will yawn and close their eyes.
1. Dogs will give you unconditional love forever. Cats will make you pay for every mistake you've ever made since the day you were born.

--------------------------------

Top 15 Reasons To Own A Cat Over A Dog

15. Cats purr. Dogs drool.
14. Cats rub your leg when they want affection, not when they're horny.
13. Cats use a litter box. Dogs use your leg.
12. In 1997, over 10,000 US deaths were attributed to a dog owner's choking on saliva during morning wakeup licks.
11. Cats always land on their feet. Dogs just won't let you throw them.
10. Cats let you kick them when you're stressed out.
9. Cats will wait until you've read your morning paper before tearing it to shreds.
8. Cats look cute sleeping on the TV. Dogs just crash right in front of the screen.
7. Fewer cat owners suffer from 'Flappy Tail' lacerations than dog owners.
6. No one has ever had to "Beware of the Cat".
5. Cats bury their crap. Dogs dig up others'.
4. Cats have better things to do than stick their nose in your crotch.
3. Cats lay on the car in the heat. Dogs in heat lay the car.
2. Why do you think they call it, "Dog Breath?"
1. Garfield. Odie. Enough said.






THE NEWS

Treasure: It does happen: "It's the stuff of fantasies, and Tim Crebase found it buried under half a metre of earth in his own backyard. There, he and friend Barry Villcliff found a box stuffed with cash and gold and silver certificates, some more than a century old. The buried treasure is worth more than $100,000 US, according to a coin shop owner. "I was thinking, 'I've never seen anything like this in my life,"' Domenic Mangano, owner of Village Coin Shop in Plaistow, N.H. Crebase said the find came three weeks ago when he and Villcliff were trying to dig up a small tree. Crebase, 23, heard a thud and saw that he'd hit a piece of wood. Another look, and he saw the wood was part of a 60-centimetre-wide box. He ripped the top off and found nine rusted cans that he and Villcliff, 27, cracked open to find about 1,800 bills, including more than 900 $1 bills, 200 $2 bills, and 300 $20 bills dated from 1899 to 1929. There were also piles of gold and silver certificates and scores of notes from local banks in Methuen, Haverhill, Amesbury, Newburyport and beyond. They took the stash to Mangano's shop later that day. "I'm a pessimist; I was waiting until I got a professional review before I jumped to any conclusions," Villcliff said. "Tim, however, was singing and dancing. He was ranting like a rabid monkey."


He didn't need those balls anyway: "We performed the wrong operation on you, we didn't look at your folder," a doctor is alleged to have told an aged man whose testicles had been removed instead of his prostate gland. The 72-year-old man from Volksrust in Mpumalanga underwent the operation at Pretoria Academic Hospital in 2002. The man has laid a complaint with the Health Professions Council of South Africa which will investigate possible unprofessional conduct on the part of another Pretoria doctor, who performed the operation."


Government waste: "Bangladeshi customs officials have found luxury cars, large-screen television sets and refrigerators in a container declared to be carrying scrap metal - so they made it just that at a public ceremony on Monday. Reuters reports that hundreds of people watched as officials from the National Board of Revenue used bulldozers to crush a Mercedes-Benz and a Toyota and other luxury goods at a railway container terminal in Dhaka. A trading firm had sought to evade customs duties by falsely declaring that the container carried iron scrap".


(And don't forget to catch up with all the Strange Justice before you go)


posted by bussorah at 8:27 PM

 


BOREDOM

By Ben Macintyre

Here are some of the things that I have found boring in the past few weeks: magical realist novels, house prices, Franz Ferdinand, rain, rhododendrons, Welsh rugby supporters, Welsh people who don't like rugby, non-Welsh people who like rugby, Monopoly, horse-show trials and hedge-clipping I am also bored of people saying how bored they are; as Mark Twain observed, the bored tend to be "incredibly boring people".




ACADEME

The graduate with a Science degree asks, "Why does it work?"
The graduate with an Engineering degree asks, "How does it work?"
The graduate with an Accounting degree asks, "How much will it cost?"
The graduate with an Arts degree asks, "Do you want fries with that?"








THE NEWS

Pure genius "FRESNO, Calif. - A man attempting to burglarize a car over the weekend locked himself in the trunk and was swiftly arrested, police said. A security guard at an apartment complex in southeast Fresno followed a trail of blood to a banging noise coming from the trunk in the early morning hours Sunday. Authorities responding to the scene expected to find a victim, but instead discovered the burglar. "Genius, pure genius," said Fresno County Sheriff's Lt. Louis Hernandez. Police said he cut himself on the door of another car he'd broken into, then trickled blood across the parking lot to the car he eventually locked himself inside. The man initially told authorities he had been hit on the head and stuffed in the trunk, but police found items stolen from another vehicle inside the trunk with the suspect. "He popped the trunk from the inside and crawled back there, ransacking every inch," Hernandez said. "But then he grabs the trunk to heave himself out and closes it on top of him. He's got to be the dumbest criminal of the day."


Phone camera saves life: "Matthew Stevens's first reaction when he was bitten by a giant spider that he disturbed while cleaning the freezer in his pub kitchen was to take its photograph with the camera in his mobile telephone. The chef’s impressive presence of mind, prompted by the suspicion that his mates would never believe him, may have saved his life. Within minutes his hand had swelled to the size of a balloon. Later as doctors fought to save his life in hospital they were able to send the picture to experts at Bristol Zoo who identified his assailant as a Brazilian Wandering Spider, one of the deadliest arachnids in the world.... Not long after getting home Mr Stevens collapsed as the venom worked through his system. His partner, Cara McSweeney, 19, called an ambulance and he was rushed to Musgrove Park Hospital, Taunton, where doctors placed him on a saline drip. His condition worsened as staff tried to diagnose the bite. “The doctors didn’t know what type of spider it was, but I’d got a picture of it on my phone and they sent it to Bristol Zoo to identify it.” The spider’s poison can provoke severe symptoms, including an irregular heartbeat, high blood pressure, vomiting and death. Since 1926, 14 people have died from bites, though none since 1996 when an antidote was developed in Brazil".


The world's only population of wild camels is huge: "Marksmen in low-flying helicopters are to shoot thousands of wild camels roaming Australia’s deserts in an attempt to control their numbers. The cull, ordered by authorities in South Australia, has angered wildlife agencies. Authorities believe that a radical approach is essential if camels are to be prevented from encroaching on to farms. More than 500,000 camels are believed to live in the wild in Australia and the population is growing at about 11 per cent a year, putting a strain on water supplies for sheep and cattle. Chris Turner, a rural lands inspector, said that as many as 200 camels had been reported drinking at a single watering hole. Placing a cap on growing numbers was the only solution, he said. “The simplest, quickest and most cost-effective way of doing that is an aerial cull.” With as many as 60,000 camels near ranching lands in South Australia alone, several thousand are expected to be shot by marksmen.



(And don't forget to catch up with all the Strange Justice before you go)


posted by bussorah at 8:28 PM

 


40 THINGS NEVER SAID BY MOUNTAIN PEOPLE

40. Oh I just couldn't. Hell, she's only sixteen.
39. I'll take Shakespeare for 1000, Alex.
38. Duct tape won't fix that.
37. Lisa Marie was lucky to catch Michael.
36. Come to think of it, I'll have a Heineken.
35. We don't keep firearms in this house.
34. Has anybody seen the sideburns trimmer?
33. You can't feed that to the dog.
32. I thought Graceland was tacky.
31. No kids in the back of the pickup, it's just not safe.
30. Wrasslin's fake.
29. Honey, did you mail that donation to Greenpeace?
28. We're vegetarians.
27. Do you think my gut is too big?
26. I'll have grapefruit and grapes instead of biscuits and gravy.
25. Honey, we don't need another dog.
24. Who's Richard Petty?
23. Give me the small bag of pork rinds.
22. Too many deer heads detract from the decor.
21. Spittin is such a nasty habit.
20. I just couldn't find a thing at Walmart today.
19. Trim the fat off that steak.
18. Cappuccino tastes better than espresso.
17. The tires on that truck are too big.
16. I'll have the arugula and radicchio salad.
15. I've got it all on the C drive.
14. Unsweetened tea tastes better.
13. Would you like your salmon poached or broiled?
12. My fiance, Bobbie Jo, is registered at Tiffany's.
11. I've got two cases of Zima for the Super Bowl.
10. Little Debbie snack cakes have too many fat grams.
09. Checkmate.
08. She's too young to be wearing a bikini.
07. Does the salad bar have bean sprouts?
06. Hey, here's an episode of "Hee Haw" that we haven't seen.
05. I don't have a favorite college team.
04. Be sure to bring my salad dressing on the side.
03. I believe you cooked those green beans too long.
02. Those shorts ought to be a little longer, Darla.
01. Nope, no more for me. I'm drivin tonight.





THE NEWS

God ignores Pope: "Pope Benedict XVI said that he had prayed to God during the conclave not to be elected pope but "He didn't listen to me". The Pope told an audience of German pilgrims at the Vatican yesterday that he had hoped to spend his last years peacefully. "As slowly the balloting showed me that, so to speak, the guillotine would fall on me, I got quite dizzy," he recounted with a sly smile. "I had thought I had done my life's work and could now hope for a peaceful end of my days. "So with deep conviction, I told the Lord: 'Don't do this to me. You have younger and better men who can do this work with a very different verve and strength' ... Evidently this time He didn't listen to me."



Exploding German toads: "An outbreak of exploding toads is perplexing the residents of Hamburg. The affected creatures seem to behave quite normally, croaking and languidly snapping up flies. Suddenly, after nightfall, they start to balloon to more than three times their normal size and can barely crawl before popping. Their entrails are expelled distances of up to one metre.
Thousands of the green amphibians have died this way. "It is a deeply shocking sight," said Werner Smolnik, a leading activist from the Nabu environmental protection group..... Dogs and children have been warned away. The force of the explosions is impressive. "It's like hitting a slightly rotten orange with a golf iron," one Green activist explained yesterday..... The experts' main concern is that the illness could spread. "We cannot exclude some possibility of humans being infected," Herr Smolnik said. Water samples from the lake have been taken for analysis but no obvious bacteria or deadly pollution seems to be present in the water.... Germans are particularly attached to toads and they have become, in some respects, a symbol of the Green movement".



A REALLY pissed-off customer: "A woman apparently dissatisfied with a haircut robbed a hair salon at gunpoint, shot at her stylist's car, then used part of the money to pay for a trim at another shop, police said. Julie Anderson, 48, was booked for investigation of first-degree robbery and second-degree malicious mischief. Employees told police the woman showed up Wednesday at Stage 1, a salon she had patronized for years, and asked to speak with her regular stylist, who was not in, police Capt. Mike Cobb said. The woman waited in the parking lot and pulled a gun on the stylist when she arrived. She then walked back into the salon and demanded $100. Employees gave her the money, then locked the door after she left and called police. The woman got into her car and started to drive away but stopped, got out and fired at least one round into the back window of the stylist's car, Cobb said. She then threw the gun through the shattered glass and fled, he said.
She was arrested about 45 minutes later as she left another hair salon nearby. The woman paid with a $20 bill, apparently from Stage 1, and then walked out to her car, where she was arrested, Cobb said. The woman told stylists she had received a bad hair cut some time ago. "She said she was a dissatisfied customer," Cobb said".



(And don't forget to catch up with all the Strange Justice before you go)


posted by bussorah at 5:50 PM

 


SORRY ABOUT THIS ONE:

A man and his wife were having an argument about who should brew the coffee each morning.
The wife said, "You should do it, because you get up first, and then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee."

The husband said, " You are in charge of cooking around here and you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee."

Wife replies, "No, you should do it, and besides, it is in the Bible that the man should do the coffee."

Husband replies, "I can't believe that, show me."
So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament and showed him at the top of several pages, that it indeed says..........


"HEBREWS"






THE NEWS

Pothead: "Sgt. Jason Kearney sat in his marked patrol car Thursday, waiting for his colleagues to join him for lunch when Ron Stone asked him for a ride. The Bulloch County deputy agreed to take Stone to his car, but first he insisted on searching Stone for weapons, said Sheriff Lynn Anderson. "Stone told Sergeant Kearney to go ahead," Anderson said. But instead of packing a pistol, the 30-year-old Stone was packing pot - two small bags, Anderson said. Stone told the uniformed officer he had spent the night at a friend's house and the marijuana was not his, police said. Instead of a ride to his car, Stone got a ride to the Bulloch County Jail, where police later learned he was wanted in another county on an outstanding warrant for marijuana possession with intent to distribute."


Sex no longer sells: "Are you shocked by companies using slogans that rely on sexual innuendo to sell their products? Or disturbed by pictures of semi-clad models being used to promote ranges of clothing? Like many of us, you probably just find the constant barrage of sexual imagery in advertising is starting to wash over you. Sex, it appears, doesn't sell like it used to. After a decade during which marketing became raunchier and raunchier, the tide has now turned. There are signs that glamorous blond women and muscle-rippling playboys are no longer the answer to every marketing officer's prayers. In the U.K., HeadlightVision Ltd., a unit of WPP Group Plc, which is the world's second-largest advertising company, this year produced a study showing the saturation of sexual imagery in advertising had become a turn-off for young consumers. Based on research in 14 cities around the world, including New York and London, it concluded that young urban consumers were tired of sexual explicitness in advertising.... And U.S. retailer Abercrombie & Fitch Co. last December decided to stop publishing a quarterly catalog that sparked complaints over photos of scantily clad models. Why so coy? It may have been worried by the protests. Yet it was probably more worried by the 13 percent sales decline at stores open a year, which it reported for the month before that decision was taken..... companies will have to find another way to promote their goods. Maybe they could try just telling what it is, what it does, and how much it costs. Now, that really would be shocking".


Honest lawyer: "Even for his fellow lawyers, a Dutch law school graduate may have a gone a bit too far in expressing a desire to strike it rich. Reinder Eekhof, a freshly minted lawyer, recently wrote in an e-mail that he had "finally finished this stupid education," and was "now looking for someone crazy enough to dump a suitcase full of money in my lap every month." The e-mail was meant for a friend at the Houthoff Buruma law firm. But Eekhof mistyped the address and his missive landed in the inbox of someone in the communications department instead. That person forwarded it, and soon the e-mail was being read at law firms across the Netherlands. "Good luck with your career," wrote one lawyer who saw the e-mail. Another noted that "the advantage is that now everyone in the legal profession in Holland knows your name." Still, it appears Eekhof's e-mail hasn't turned off law firms looking for a young lawyer to fill their ranks. "We're having him in for an interview about an internship," said Marry de Gaay Fortman, managing partner at Houthoff. "But I understand he's also in talks with several other firms about a job.""

(And don't forget to catch up with all the Strange Justice before you go)


posted by bussorah at 8:06 PM

 


THAT FAMOUS COOKIE RECIPE

A little background: Neiman-Marcus, if you don't know already, is a very expensive shop; i.e. they sell a typical $8.00 t-shirt for $50.00.

My daughter and I had just finished lunch at a Neiman-Marcus Cafe in Dallas Because both of us are such cookie lovers, we decided to try the Neiman-Marcus cookie". It was so excellent that I asked if they would give me the recipe. The waitress said with a small frown, "I'm afraid not, but you can BUY the recipe." I asked how much, and she responded; Only two fifty - it's a great deal!" I agreed to that, and told her to add it to my bill.

Thirty days later, I got my VISA statement, and the Neiman-Marcus charge was $285.00. I looked at it again, and I remembered I had only spent $9.95 for two sandwiches and about $20.00 for a scarf. At the bottom of the statement, it said, "Cookie Recipe-$250.00". That was outrageous! I called Neiman's Accounting Department and told them the waitress had said it was "two fifty", which clearly does not mean "two hundred and fifty dollars" by any reasonable interpretation of the phrase.

Neiman-Marcus refused to budge. They would not refund my money because, according to them; "What the waitress told you is not our problem. You have already seen the recipe. We absolutely will not refund your money." I explained to the Accounting Department lady the criminal statutes which govern fraud in the state of Texas. I threatened to report them to the Better Business Bureau and the Texas Attorney General's office. I was basically told: Do what you want. Don't bother thinking of how you can get even, and don't bother trying to get any of your money back"

I said, OK, you've got my $250, and now I'm going to have $250 worth of fun. I told her that I was going to see to it that every cookie lover in the world with an e-mail account gets a $250 cookie recipe from Neiman-Marcus... for free. She replied, "I wish you wouldn't do that." I said, "Well, perhaps you should have thought of that before you RIPPED ME OFF!" and slammed down the phone. So here it is!

Please pass it on to everyone you can possibly think of. I paid $250 for this, and I don't want Neiman-Marcus to EVER make another penny from this recipe!


NEIMAN-MARCUS COOKIES (Recipe may be halved)

Ingredients: 2 cups butter 24 oz. chocolate chips 4 cups flour 2 cups brown sugar 2 tsp. (Bicarb) soda 1 tsp. salt 2 cups sugar 1 8 oz. Hershey Bar (grated) 5 cups blended oatmeal 4 eggs 2 tsp. baking powder 2 tsp. vanilla 3 cups chopped nuts (your choice)

Directions: Measure oatmeal, and blend in a blender to a fine powder. Cream the butter and both sugars. Add eggs and vanilla, mix together with flour, oatmeal, salt, baking powder, and Bicarb (soda). Add chocolate chips, Hershey Bar, and nuts. Roll into balls, and place two inches apart on a cookie sheet. Bake for 10 minutes at (180) 375 degrees. The above quantities make 112 cookies.

This is an urban myth, of course, but it is a great recipe anyway. There is another version of it here






THE NEWS

Pro-union voodoo: "It's not a typical union-management battle: One of the nation's largest nursing home companies is charging that some Haitian workers at its Wakefield facility voted to form a union because they believed if they did not, a co-worker would use voodoo against them. ... Harborside Healthcare at Wakefield cq, a nursing and rehabilitation center, formally objected to the workers' recent vote to unionize, saying an employee, Marie Chery cq, threatened co-workers who refused to vote for the union with voodoo, possibly swaying the election."


Small dick and no balls: "A man allegedly unhappy with penile-enlargement surgery he underwent mailed explosives to a Chicago plastic surgeon, according to a federal grand jury indictment. Blake R. Steidler, 24, allegedly made an explosive device that included a model-rocket engine igniter inside a jewelry box, the federal indictment said. Steidler drove to North Bloomfield, Ohio, on Feb. 10 and mailed the box, but then drive home to Lancaster County, called 911, and turned himself in, according to the indictment. East Cocalico Township Police, who received the 911 call, apprehended Steidler and turned him over to federal authorities, who were holding him in Philadelphia, officials said".


Granny with garden gnome "A grandmother stopped an intruder from entering her home by lobbing a heavy garden gnome at him, police said Friday. Jean Collop was woken early on Tuesday morning by the sound of an intruder on the roof of her home in Wadebridge, southwest England. "I grabbed the first thing that came to hand — one of my garden gnomes — and hurled it at him, and hit him," she recalled. "He lay there and I began to scream. I went back into the kitchen and found a rolling pin in case he came down. I didn't want to break another gnome." A neighbor alerted police who arrived shortly afterward and arrested the intruder".



(And don't forget to catch up with all the Strange Justice before you go)


posted by bussorah at 5:11 PM

 


AN OLDIE BUT GOLDIE

A young woman was about to finish her last year of college. Like so many others her age she considered herself to be a very liberal Democrat and was for distribution of all wealth. She felt deeply ashamed that her father was a rather staunch Libertarian, which she expressed openly.

One day she was challenging her father on his beliefs and his opposition to higher taxes on the rich & the addition of more government welfare programs. Based on the lectures that she had participated in and the occasional chat with a professor she felt that for years her father had obviously harbored an evil, even selfish desire to keep what he thought should be his. The self-professed objectivity proclaimed by her professors had to be the truth and she indicated so to her father.

He stopped her and asked her point blank, how she was doing in school. She answered rather haughtily that she had a 4.0 GPA, and let him know that it was tough to maintain. That she studied all the time, never had time to go out and party like other people she knew. She didn't even have time for a boyfriend and didn't really have many college friends because of spending all her time studying. That she was taking a more difficult curriculum.

Her father listened and then asked, "How is your good friend Mary doing?" She replied, "Mary is barely getting by." She continued, "She barely has a 2.0 GPA," adding, "and all she takes are easy classes and she never studies. But Mary is so very popular on campus, college for her is a blast, she goes to all the parties all the time and very often doesn't even show up for classes because she is too hung over."

Her father then asked his daughter, "Why don't you go to the Dean's office and ask him to deduct a 1.0 off your 4.0 GPA and give it to your friend who only has a 2.0." He continued, "That way you will both have a 3.0 GPA and certainly that would be a fair and equal distribution of GPA."

The daughter visibly shocked by her father's suggestion angrily fired back, "That wouldn't be fair! I worked really hard for mine, I did without and Mary has done little or nothing, she played while I worked real hard!"

The father slowly smiled, winked and said, "Welcome to the Libertarian Party!"







THE NEWS

Argentina: Arrogant squatters: "An Argentine woman has been given a bill for œ2,000 by squatters who moved in and redecorated while she was away. Eva de Albertengo, from Azul, came back home after a three month trip abroad to find the couple living in her house. They had taken advantage of her absence by moving in and then redecorated the entire apartment, knocking down walls and putting in windows. The couple have now been arrested and are being sued by Mrs Albertengo for the cost of putting her home back to normal. But the squatters have launched a counterclaim, demanding that Mrs Albertengo pays them œ2,000 for the work they've done."


Oregon: Car theft victim solves crime himself: "A man whose 1990 Toyota Camry was stolen Monday in Roseburg was at the post office Tuesday when he saw another man drive up in his car. The victim and a co-worker accosted the suspected car thief, 38-year-old William Jordan, a local transient, and held him at gunpoint until police arrived around 3:30 p.m., according to a Roseburg Police Department spokesman. The victim reportedly had left his keys in the car at his place of employment and Jordan saw his opportunity and took it."


Doggone crazy: "Dog owners in Turin will be fined up to 500 euros ($650) if they don't walk their pets at least three times a day, under a new law from the city's council. People will also be banned from dyeing their pets' fur or "any form of animal mutilation" for merely aesthetic motives such as docking dogs' tails, under the law about to be passed in the northern Italian city. "In Turin it will be illegal to turn one's dog into a ridiculous fluffy toy," the city's La Stampa daily reported. Italians can already be fined up to 10,000 euros and spend a year in prison if found guilty of torturing or abandoning their pets, but Turin's new rules go into much greater detail. Dogs may be led for walks by people on bicycles, the rules say, "but not in a way that would tire the animal too much.""


(There's a pretty shocking case on Strange Justice today)


posted by bussorah at 5:37 PM

 


3 QUICK ONES:

An elephant asks a camel: "why are your breasts on your back ?" "Well" says the camel, "I think it is a strange question from somebody whose dick is on his face"


A man with a nagging secret couldn't keep it any longer. In the confessional he admitted that for years he had been stealing building supplies from the lumberyard where he worked. "How much material did you take?" his priest asked. "Enough to build my own house, and enough for my son's house, and houses for our two daughters and our cottage at the lake." "This is very serious," the priest said. "I shall have to think of a far-reaching penance. Have you ever done a retreat?" "No, Father, I haven't," the man replied. "But if you can get the plans, I can get the lumber."


A Scotsman, planning a trip to the Holy Land, was aghast when he found it would cost fifty dollars an hour to rent a boat on the Sea of Galilee. "Hoots mon," he said, "in Scotland it wouldna ha' been more than $20." "That might be true," said the travel agent, "but you have to take into account that the Sea of Galilee is water on which our Lord himself walked." "Well, at $50 an hour for a boat," said the Scotsman, "it's no wonder he walked!"







THE NEWS

Chinese don't have small willies after all (but Turks do!): "Chinese men have no reason to feel inferior about the size of their penises, according to a Hong Kong study which showed local men measured up to others elsewhere in the world below the belt. "Our conclusion is that Hong Kong people are no smaller than Western men, where their penises are concerned," said Chan Lung-wai, director of the Urology Center at the Union Hospital, who headed the study. "There has always been the myth that westerners have bigger penises and their (sexual) ability is better." A group of scientists in Hong Kong spent five months from October last year measuring 148 ethnic Chinese volunteers aged between 23 and 93. The average length of their flaccid penises was 3.33 inches, which compared favorably with similar studies on other men overseas. Germans have average lengths of about 3.4 inches, Israelis 3.27 inches, Turks 3.07 inches and Filippinos 2.89 inches. Italians were the longest at 3.54 inches, and Americans averaged 3.46 inches".


He should have bought Japanese: "Fed up with his troublesome 1994 Chrysler LeBaron, a Florida man fired five rounds from a semi-automatic pistol into the hood. "I'm putting my car out of its misery," John McGivney, 64, said after the incident outside an apartment building in Lauderdale-By-The-Sea, according to a police report that listed the car as "deceased". McGivney surrendered to police, was jailed on a firearms charge last Friday and released on bond a day later. He told them the car had been giving him trouble for years. "I think every guy in the universe has wanted to do it," the South Florida Sun-Sentinel quoted McGivney as saying. "It was worth every damn minute in that jail.""


Loony chases police and incinerates himself: "Police became the hunted last night when a man in a Ford utility chased and rammed an unmarked police vehicle along a 3 km stretch of road in North Mead last night. The pursuit came to a fiery end when the man's car veered into oncoming traffic and burst in flames, killing the Ford's driver. Police had pulled the man over in Briens Rd, North Mead, for a minor traffic infringement at 10.15pm. But as police officers prepared to approach the Ford, it switched into reverse and accelerated towards their vehicle. Parramatta Local Area Commander, Superintendent Geoff Beresford, said police were forced to take evasive action as the utility vehicle charged at them. "He accelerated past the police vehicle still in reverse. So he is (now) behind the police vehicle. He then accelerated forward again aiming at the police vehicle in an apparent attempt to ram it," he said. Police sped away to avoid further collisions but the man continued the hunt, clipping three other vehicles. "It was a case of him speeding up to catch the police and the police speeding up to keep a safe distance," the Superintendent said. He said the police did not reach an "excessive speed" along the 70-80 km/h stretch of road. Near Briens Road and Edward Street, Northmead, the utility crossed the median strip and smashed into a Falcon. The utility burst into flames, incinerating the vehicle and its driver".


(And don't forget your ration of Strange Justice before you go)


posted by bussorah at 6:21 PM

 


THE WESTERN WALL

In Jerusalem, a female CNN journalist heard about a very old Jewish man who had been going to the Western Wall to pray, twice a day, everyday, for a long, long time. So she went to check it out. She went to the Western Wall and there he was!
She watched him pray and after about 45 minutes, when he turned to leave, she approached him for an interview. "I'm Rebecca Smith from CNN. Sir, how long have you been coming to the Western Wall and praying?"

"For about 60 years."

"60 years! That's amazing! What do you pray for?"

"I pray for peace between the Christians, Jews and the Muslims. I pray for all the hatred to stop and I pray for all our children to grow up in safety and friendship."

"How do you feel after doing this for 60 years?"

"Like I'm talking to a !@#$%^&* brick wall!"






THE NEWS

Dashing diner: "Police in Romania have caught a serial dater who invited women for romantic meals at expensive restaurants, then ran off, leaving them to pay the bill. Police say good looking romeo, George Hodoroaba, 23, struck dozens of times in the town of Suceava in eastern Romania. He was finally caught after restaurant owners were issued with a photofit image of his face. Five women have so far come forward to officially register a complaint against Hodoroaba, who was well-dressed with expensive suits when he approached them in bars and clubs to invite them for a "romantic meal"."


The Church of the Eyebrow ring: "A woman who was fired by Costco in 2001 for refusing to remove her eyebrow ring has accused the company of religious discrimination, saying she is a member of the Church of Body Modification. Kimberly M. Cloutier said she wears her eyebrow ring as a sign of faith. She has asked the U.S. Supreme Court to consider hearing the case. The church, established in 1999, counts about 1,000 members who participate in practices such as piercing and tattooing, according to a December ruling by the First Circuit Court of Appeals, which upheld a trial judge's finding in Costco's favor. Lynn A. Kappelman, a lawyer for Costco, declined to comment. The company has argued that Cloutier's beliefs are political or social instead of religious. Cloutier's lawyer, Michael O. Shea, filed a petition Monday asking the Supreme Court consider hearing the case.


Naughty Danes: "The vast majority of Danish men who pay for sex with a prostitute are in relationships, according to a new Danish study. Seventy-one per cent of men who sought out prostitutes had a steady partner, including through marriage, the study by the Danish Centre for Research on Social Vulnerability showed. Twenty per cent of the clients were married. The study debunked the myth that men seek out call girls because it is their only chance to have sex. "Only a few of the sex customers go to prostitutes because it is their only means of having sex," the study's authors wrote. The research, to be presented at the University of Oslo tomorrow, is based on a survey of 6350 men who answered questions relating to paying for sex."


(And don't forget your ration of Strange Justice before you go)


posted by bussorah at 5:04 PM

 


WHY AM I MARRIED?

You have two choices in life: You can stay single and be miserable, or get married and wish you were dead.

At a cocktail party, one woman said to another, "Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?" "Yes, I am. I married the wrong man."

A lady inserted an ad in the classifieds: "Husband Wanted" Next day she received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."

When a woman steals your husband, there is no better revenge than to let her keep him.

A woman is incomplete until she is married. Then she is finished.

A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?" Father replied, "I don't know, son, I'm still paying."

A young son asked, "Is it true, Dad that in some parts of Africa a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her?" Dad replied, "That happens in every country, son."

Then there was a woman who said, "I never knew what real happiness was until I got married and by then, it was too late."

Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence.

If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say -- talk in your sleep.

Just think, if it wasn't for marriage, men would go through life thinking they had no faults at all.

First guy says, "My wife's an angel!" Second guy remarks, "You're lucky. Mine's still alive."

A Woman's Prayer Dear Lord, I pray for Wisdom, to understand a man, to love and to forgive him, and for Patience, for his moods. Because, Lord, if I pray for Strength, I'll just beat him to death.






THE NEWS

Obsessed teenager steals streetcar: "Yarra Trams has launched a major security review after a tram-obsessed teenager stole one of its vehicles and drove it around Melbourne, picking up passengers as he went. Tram managers are stunned the 15-year-old boy was able to navigate the vehicle, which weighs 27 tonnes when empty, around the network for 40 minutes from about 8.50pm (AEST) yesterday, manually changing tracks and crossing major intersections. The teenager, wearing a jacket similar to those of the official Yarra Trams uniform, even stopped for passengers and at one point backed up when he overshot a stop. He was finally caught in east suburban Kew, 15km from where he stole the tram, when electricity was shut off to the route and police pounced. The incident has raised security and safety concerns and prompted a major review of Yarra Trams procedures. Detective Senior Constable Barry Hills said police believed the boy stole keys to the tram from a Box Hill depot three weeks ago. The youth allegedly stole another tram from the Southbank depot last Friday, he said. The tram was dumped in nearby Port Melbourne. Yarra Trams deputy chief executive Dennis Cliche said Yarra Trams had increased security at the depot after the incident on Friday, including locking the gates. But that was obviously not enough, as the tram was taken last night through a "back door", he said".


Monkeys on a high: "A group of drunk monkeys rampaged through an Indian village after stealing a specially fermented drink. The primates stole the liquor made from marijuana leaves which residents were preparing for a religious festival. Stunned Baralapokhari villagers struck back at the inebriated monkeys with sticks and other weapons and drove them away. Three residents sustained injuries requiring hospital treatment."


Extra-special tea: "The Supreme Court agreed Monday to consider whether a church in New Mexico can continue using hallucinogenic tea in its religious services. At issue is whether use of the tea, which contains a drug banned under the federal Controlled Substances Act, is protected under freedom of religion laws. The Bush administration contends the tea is illegal and use of it potentially dangerous for church members. Justices will review a lower court ruling that allowed the Brazil-based church - O Centro Espirita Beneficiente Uniao do Vegetal - to import and use the hoasca tea while the case was appealed. Arguments will be heard in the court's next term beginning in October."


(And don't forget your ration of Strange Justice before you go)


posted by bussorah at 8:17 PM

 


RULES FOR ROMANCE

In the world of romance, one single rule applies: Make the woman happy. Do something she likes, and you get points. Do something she dislikes and points are subtracted. You don't get any points for doing something she expects. Sorry, that's the way the game is played. Here is a guide to the point system:

SIMPLE DUTIES You make the bed (+1) You make the bed, but forget the decorative pillow (0) You throw the bedspread over rumpled sheets (-1) You go out to buy her what she wants (+5) in the rain (+8) but return with beer (-5) You check out a suspicious noise at night (0) You check out a suspicious noise and it is nothing (0) You check out a suspicious noise and it is something (+5) You pummel it with iron rod (+10) It's her pet (-10)

SOCIAL ENGAGEMENTS You stay by her side the entire party (0) You stay by her side for a while, then leave to chat with a college buddy (-2) Named Tina (-4) Tina is a dancer (-6) Tina has silicon implants (-80)

HER BIRTHDAY You take her out to dinner (0) You take her out to dinner and it's not a sports bar (+1) Okay, it's a sports bar (-2) And it's all-you-can-eat night (-3) It's a sports bar, it's all-you-can-eat night, and your face is painted the colors of your favorite team (-10)

A NIGHT OUT You take her to a movie (+2) You take her to a movie she likes (+4) You take her to a movie you hate (+6) You take her to a movie you like (-2) It's called 'DeathCop' (-3) You lied and said it was a foreign film about orphans (-15)

YOUR PHYSIQUE You develop a noticeable potbelly (-15) You develop a noticeable potbelly and exercise to get rid of it (+10) You develop a noticeable potbelly and resort to baggy jeans and baggy Hawaiian shirts (-30) You say, "It doesn't matter, you have one too." (-8000)

ENJOY THE BIG QUESTION She asks, "Do I look fat?" (-5) [Yes, you lose points no matter what] You hesitate in responding (-10) You reply, "Where?" (-35) Any other response (-20)

COMMUNICATION When she wants to talk about a problem , you listen, displaying what looks like a concerned expression (0) You listen, for over 30 minutes (+50) You listen for more than 30 minutes without looking at the TV (+500) She realizes this is because you have fallen asleep (-10000)






THE NEWS

Romania: Phone in vagina: "Romanian police caught a female mobile phone thief by dialling the stolen phone -- and hearing her knickers start ringing. Police in Pitesti, Southern Romania, stopped Ruxandra Gardian, 34, and her female friend after an eyewitness reported they had stolen the phone when a customer in a busy shop put it down for an instant. After a search of both women failed to find the phone, police wanted to let them go, but the eyewitness insisted the pair had taken it, and suggested they call the number. The officers then heard a muffled ringing coming from under the woman's dress. They took the pair to the local police station where a strip search by female police officers revealed that Gardian had hidden the NEC mobile phone in her vagina."


Live extinguisher: "A fire extinguisher has turned into a deadly missile, killing a woman in a freak mishap at a family trucking company in New Zealand. Tracy Uhlenberg, a 32-year-old mother of two, died at the scene of the accident on Saturday at Uhlenberg Haulage's workshop at Eltham, in Taranaki province. The extinguisher became airborne after its valve was damaged when it fell to the floor inside the workshop. Occupational Safety and Health's Taranaki manager Brett Murray said the extinguisher bottle first leaked gas under pressure, setting off a massive discharge. In a terrifying sequence of events, the extinguisher began to spin violently across the floor, fracturing a man's ankle. It then took off, rocketed towards the ceiling at an angle, striking Mrs Uhlenberg on the head. She was believed to have died instantly. Finally, the extinguisher, which remained intact, smashed through the workshop wall about six metres above ground level and landed outside on a driveway."


Pretty boys out: "Metrosexual man is out as women reclaim their territory in the beauty parlour. The age of the "new" man could finally be over - women want the growl back in grown men. Mr Right, a survey shows, is dependable rather than fashionable, spends more time working on the house than on himself, and is more likely to buy his cosmetics at a corner shop than a salon. Ninety per cent of the women questioned said that their ideal man was low-maintenance and easy-going. Almost three-quarters said they preferred a man who spent his spare time doing jobs around the house. Nearly half (47 per cent) said that the ideal man spent his money on electrical gadgets rather than cosmetics, and almost as many (41 per cent) said that their Mr Right was a sports fan. Only 9 per cent believed that their man spent his money on designer clothes. The poll's findings will make uncomfortable reading for actors such as Jude Law, Orlando Bloom and Hugh Grant, all at the vanguard of "metrosexuality". Their emphasis on high fashion and personal grooming is now considered a turn-off. Rather than sarong-wearing stars such as David Beckham, it seems that women prefer the charms of a new breed of rough-and-ready heart-throbs epitomised by the likes of Clive Owen, Daniel Craig and Colin Farrell. The Harris interactive survey of 1128 American women, carried out for Dodge trucks, has been welcomed this side of the Atlantic".


(And don't forget your ration of Strange Justice before you go)
posted by bussorah at 5:01 PM

 


SOME CREATIVE TAX DEDUCTIONS

Sex and the city

Then there was the client who approached Manhattan CPA Marc Albaum about a very personal tax matter. "He had made some money being a sperm donor and wanted to know if he could take a depletion allowance," Albaum recalls. "I told him he really needed to be an oil well or something like that."


Playing with fire

Herb Wakeford, a CPA in Raleigh, N.C., recalls a Pittsburgh furniture-store owner who, after years of trying unsuccessfully to sell his business, hired an arsonist to torch the place. The insurance company paid off to the tune of $500,000, which the owner dutifully reported on his income tax return. However, along with taking the proper deductions for the building, its contents and the usual business expenses, he also deducted a $10,000 "consulting fee" he had paid the arsonist. An IRS audit two years later landed them both in jail. The IRS disallowed the "consulting fee" and slapped on $6,500 in additional taxes, penalties and interest.


What, not the Barcalounger?

Then there was the client who insisted on deducting the cost of his television and cable service against his accountant's advice. "His reasoning was that he was a Spanish teacher at school, and the only reason he bought the TV and had the cable was for the Spanish channels so he could be able to teach his students better," Howard recalls. "I told him, well now, not too many people out there can deduct the cost of their TV and cable, but if you can get away with it, knock yourself out."


Fun with livestock, part I

Back when the Society of Louisiana CPAs manned a tax hotline, few inquiries stumped them. But Al Suffrin, SLCPA's communications and public relations director, recalls one that did: "We took a call from an ostrich farmer in St. Tammany Parish who called in to find out how to go about depreciating an ostrich," he recalls. Strange as it sounds, you can depreciate an ostrich or any other livestock, as long as they're used for breeding.


Fun with livestock, part II

Which brings us to the tale of the crusty old Texas rancher who insisted upon accompanying his CPA, Raymond Lott of Lott, Vernon & Co. of Killeen, to the rancher's first tax audit. When the rancher's tax depreciation schedule listed 15 or 20 animals as breeding stock, the no-nonsense young IRS agent challenged the old cowboy. "I presume you breed these animals?" she asked pointedly. Without hesitation, the rancher replied, "Nope," sending his CPA into mild tachycardia. After a sufficient pause, the rancher finished the popular Texas joke, "I've got a bull for that."


Go fish

There was a time when deductions were as plentiful as dinner mints. "Many years ago when I was a young clerk, a local CPA kept a very large glass bowl filled with receipts in his office," recalls Nancy Reynolds of Reynolds & Associates in Naples, Fla. "If a client came in and was a little shy of deductions, they merely dipped into the bowl and helped themselves to some of those glorious deductions."


Sic him, Fido

Sometimes deductions seem so logical they just have to be legal: "I had a guy come in one time wanting to know if he could deduct the cost of his dog food. His reasoning was that his dog was security for his house, therefore the dog food became a security expense," Howard says. "I kind of liked that one. The IRS loves that stuff."


He works in mysterious ways

And when all other loopholes seem closed, sometimes only a higher power can help: One fine February, a rookie tax accountant completed a slam-dunk return for one of the firm's old and trusted clients and turned it in to his boss, relates Mary Anne Petesch, a CPA with Hagen Kurth Perman and Co. of Seattle. There followed several loud whoops of laughter from the partner's office. It seems the client had accidentally lost his dentures when they fell in the toilet, and had claimed them on his taxes as an act-of-God casualty loss.






THE NEWS

Pope closes brothel: "The owner of a brothel in a small town in southern Poland is closing down his business out of respect for Pope John Paul II who died on April 2, the Gazeta Wyborcza newspaper reported yesterday. "I'm closing down my business with the girls; I'm doing it for the one at the top, for John Paul II," the paper quoted Jozej Galica as saying. "Money is not everything. Something cracked inside me. I lost my way in life," he said. Mr Galica said he would from now on take communion and confess to his Poronin parish priest, Franiszek Juchas, who confirmed that the businessman had assured him he would shut up shop. John Paul II was born at Wadowice, which is located 70 kilometres from Poronin."



No sex for snorers: "People who snore have inferior sex lives to those who don't, a survey revealed today. More than half of those questioned said they would make love more often if they or their partner stopped snoring. A third of couples admitted they hardly ever had sex because one or other of them snored. The survey conducted by the British Snoring & Sleep Apnoea Association to launch National Stop Snoring Week found that snoring often caused couples to row with extreme cases ending in divorce. An overwhelming 81 per cent of the partners of snorers said they do not get enough sleep at night with half of those saying they wake up feeling tired. In order to get a good night's sleep nearly 70 per cent of snoring couples resort to sleeping in separate rooms."


Vandalizing cars is "art": "An artist who randomly vandalised nearly 50 cars for a project said the owners should be happy they were part of his "creative process". Mark McGowan, 37, will exhibit pictures of himself scratching the vehicles' paintwork in London and Glasgow. He said he had "keyed" 17 cars in Glasgow's West End in March and 30 in Camberwell, south London. The Met police said the act was criminal damage and if allegations are made they will be investigated. Mr McGowan added: "I do feel guilty about keying people's cars but if I don't do it, someone else will. "They should feel glad that they've been involved in the creative process. I pick the cars randomly".


(And don't forget your ration of Strange Justice before you go)
posted by bussorah at 5:44 PM

 


MORE WORDS OF WISDOM

Those who jump off a bridge in Paris are in Seine.

A backward poet writes inverse.

A man's home is his castle, in a manor of speaking.

Dijon vu - the same mustard as before.

Practice safe eating - always use condiments.

Shotgun wedding: A case of wife or death.

A man needs a mistress just to break the monogamy.

A hangover is the wrath of grapes.

Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.

Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?

Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.

When two egotists meet, it's an I for an I.

What's the definition of a will? (It's a dead giveaway.)

Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana. (Think about it)

In democracy your vote counts. In feudalism your count votes.

She was engaged to a boyfriend with a wooden leg but broke it off.

A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.

If you don't pay your exorcist, you get repossessed.

With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.

When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.

The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.

Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under.

He often broke into song because he couldn't find the key.

Every calendar's days are numbered.

A lot of money is tainted - It taint yours and it taint mine.

A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.

He had a photographic memory that was never developed.

A plateau is a high form of flattery.

Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.

Once you've seen one shopping center, you've seen a mall.

Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead-to-know basis.

Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.

Acupuncture is a jab well done.








THE NEWS


A Jewish Pope? "Paddy Power, the Irish online bookmaker framing odds on the papal election, has revealed a betting plunge on the former archbishop of Paris, Jewish-born Cardinal Jean-Marie Lustiger. Cardinal Lustiger, 78, is France's senior Catholic, a deeply spiritual man who had close ties to Pope John Paul II. If elected, he would be the first Jewish-born Christian to occupy the papal see since St Peter (originally named Simon), a precedent Cardinal Lustiger referred to during his Australian visit in 2001. Asked then about his chances of becoming pope, he replied in the Yiddish vernacular: "Meshuga" - crazy! Cardinal Lustiger, originally named Aaron, was born in Paris to a family of Polish Jews. His mother, Gisele, was deported and murdered in Auschwitz.... In 1940, aged 14, he underwent a conversion in the cathedral of Orleans, and was received into the church later that year. He was ordained a priest in 1954, became bishop of Orleans in 1979 and archbishop of Paris in 1981. Pope John Paul II made him a cardinal in 1983. Cardinal Lustiger has always insisted that, although he had converted to Christianity, he remained a Jew. "I was born a Jew and so I am. For me, the vocation of Israel is to bring light to the goyim (the nations of gentiles). That's my hope, and I believe Christianity is the means for achieving it," he was reported as saying this month."


Chicken in a jacket: "A woman has made denim jackets for her two pet hens to stop them from being scratched by an over enthusiastic cockerel when mating. Ro Jessop, 48, of Linstead Parva, Suffolk noticed that hens Daniella and Amilee were getting more pain than pleasure from the amorous advances of cockerel Huckerby - named after Norwich City football striker Darren Huckerby. Jessop created tiny denim jackets which tie around the birds and protect their backs. "When they mate he was digging his claws into their backs and because he's so big he was scratching them and pulling feathers out," said Jessop"


The fruits of independence "Port Moresby's police chief was assaulted and robbed within sight of a major police station this week. The incident has given an unwanted boost to the reputation of Papua New Guinea's capital as one of the world's most crime-ridden cities. Assistant Commissioner Tony Wagambie was held up and assaulted on Wednesday by six armed men who stole his vehicle, a mobile phone and a small amount of cash, a police spokesman said on Friday. The assault occurred when Wagambie was in uniform and just 400 metres from Port Moresby's Gordons Police Station, where Australian police assigned to help battle lawlessness in this former Australian colony are based..... Australia last year threatened to withhold further aid to Papua New Guinea unless the PNG government agreed to the deployment of more than 200 police and senior civil servants to help end street crime and government corruption, which have strangled the local economy. Port Moresby, where criminal gangs from poverty-stricken shantytowns carry out robberies, car-jackings and rapes with near impunity, has for years figured in last place in a "livability" survey of more than 100 major world cities by the London-based Economist Intelligence Unit. The survey cites random violence and rampant crime by the so-called "raskol" crime gangs as the main reason for Port Moresby's last-place rating".


(And don't forget your ration of Strange Justice before you go)


posted by bussorah at 6:07 PM

 


SOME RECENT CUSTOMER ENQUIRIES

Customer: "I've been ringing 0700 2300 for two days and can't get through to enquiries, can you help?". Operator: "Where did you get that number from, sir?". Customer: "It was on the door to the Travel Centre". Operator: "Sir, they are our opening hours".

Samsung Electronics Caller: "Can you give me the telephone number for Jack?" Operator: "I'm sorry, sir, I don't understand who you are talking about". Caller: "On page 1, section 5, of the user guide it clearly states that I need to unplug the fax machine from the AC wall socket and telephone Jack before cleaning. Now, can you give me the number for Jack?" Operator: "I think you mean the telephone point on the wall".

RAC Motoring Services Caller: "Does your European Breakdown Policy cover me when I am travelling in Australia?" Operator: Doesn't the product give you a clue?

Caller (enquiring about legal requirements while travelling in France): "If I register my car in France, do I have to change the steering wheel to the other side of the car?"

Directory Enquiries Caller: "I'd like the number of the Argoed Fish Bar in Cardiff please". Operator: "I'm sorry, there's no listing. Is the spelling correct?" Caller: "Well, it used to be called the Bargoed Fish Bar but the 'B' fell off".

Then there was the caller who asked for a knitwear company in Woven. Operator: "Woven? Are you sure?" Caller: "Yes. That's what it says on the label; Woven in Scotland".

On another occasion, a man making heavy breathing sounds from a phone box told a worried operator: "I haven't got a pen, so I'm steaming up the window to write the number on".

Computer Capers Tech Support: "I need you to right-click on the Open Desktop". Customer: "OK". Tech Support: "Did you get a pop-up menu?". Customer: "No". Tech Support: "OK. Right-Click again. Do you see a pop-up menu?" Customer: "No". Tech Support: "OK, sir. Can you tell me what you have done up until this point?". Customer: "Sure. You told me to write 'click' and I wrote 'click'".

Tech Support: "OK. In the bottom left hand side of the screen, can you see the 'OK' button displayed?" Customer: "Wow. How can you see my screen from there?"

Caller: "I deleted a file from my PC last week and I have just realised that I need it. If I turn my system clock back two weeks will I have my file back again?".






THE NEWS


Crazy cannibalism accusation: "The Newark man who was mistakenly accused of cannibalism is suing a doctor and the Newark and Parsippany police departments. Victor Salazar and his wife said they suffered embarrassment and needed counseling after an X-ray at Immediate Medical Care Center in Parsippany last year raised questions about his diet. When a doctor asked if he had eaten any bones, Salazar forgot about the soup he had the day before that included pieces of chicken feet. Radiologists and the Morris County medical examiner wondered if the film showed bits of finger bones, so police began an investigation. It was when Newark homicide investigators went to Salazar's home that he mentioned the soup. Police took along some chicken from his kitchen and X-rayed the feet. Comparisons confirmed Salazar's account".


Bad cats to die: "Wisconsin residents ignored passionate opposition from cat lovers and supported a plan that would allow hunters to take out wild felines that kill birds and other small mammals. Residents who attended the meetings of the Wisconsin Conservation Congress voted Monday night to allow hunters to kill cats at will, just like skunks or gophers -- something the Humane Society of the United States called cruel and archaic. A total of 6,830 persons voted for the plan and 5,201 voted against it. Fifty-one counties approved the plan, 20 rejected it, and one had a tie, according to results released last night by the Wisconsin Department of Natural Resources."


Australia: Blank screen outrates public broadcasters: "After a mystery technical snarl sent Seven off the air, viewers remained staunch. And its 48 minutes of beige, blank, soundless screen was preferred over SBS and, at times, the ABC. At 9.09pm, viewers of the Blue Heelers episode Killing Time found themselves doing just that. And at 9.30, when Air Crash Investigation was scheduled, the only thing down was Seven, still, for Melbourne viewers, . Blankety Blanks wasn't the worst thing on. SBS's Dateline program tracking a volunteer doctor through the Congo had 105,000 fewer Melbourne viewers than Seven's non-event. And the ABC's acclaimed new comedy Nighty Night could have gone to bed early. It drew 35,000 fewer viewers than Seven's ad, sound and vision-free offering".


(And don't forget your ration of Strange Justice before you go)
posted by bussorah at 5:43 PM

 


MENSPEAK (THE LANGUAGE OF MEN)

Translations of What Men Say:

"I'm going fishing."
Means..."I'm going to drink myself dangerously stupid and stand by a stream with a stick in my hand, while the fish swim by in complete safety."

"It's a guy thing."
Means..."There is no rational thought pattern connected with it, and you have no chance at all of making it logical."

"Can I help with dinner?"
Means..."Why isn't dinner already on the table?"

"Uh huh", "Sure honey," or "Yes dear."
Means...Absolutely nothing; it is a conditioned response.

"It would take too long to explain."
Means..."I have no idea how it works."

"We're going to be late."
Means..."Now I have a legitimate excuse to drive like a maniac."

"I was listening to you. It's just that I have things on my mind."
Means..."I was wondering if that redhead over there is wearing a bra."

"Take a break honey, you're working too hard."
Means..."I can't hear the TV over the vacuum cleaner."

"That's interesting dear."
Means..."Are you still talking?"

"It's a really good movie."
Means.."It's got guns, knives, fast cars, and beautiful women."

"That's women's work."
Means..."It's difficult, dirty, and thankless."

"You know how bad my memory is."
Means..."I remember the theme song to 'F Troop', the address of the first girl I ever kissed, and the vehicle identification numbers of every car I've ever owned, but I forgot your birthday."

"I was just thinking about you and got you these roses."
Means..."The girl selling them on the corner was a real babe."

"Hey, I've got my reasons for what I'm doing."
Means..."And I sure hope I think of some pretty soon."

"I can't find it."
Means..."It didn't fall into my outstretched hands, so I'm completely clueless."

"What did I do this time?"
Means..."What did you catch me at?"

"You know I could never love anyone else."
Means..."I am used to the way you yell at me, and realize it could be worse."

"You look terrific"
Means..."Oh God, please don't try on one more outfit. I'm starving!"

"I'm not lost. I know exactly where we are."
Means..."No one will ever see us alive again."

"We share the housework."
Means..."I make the messes, she cleans them up."







THE NEWS

Italian food in space: "Forget images of germ-free processed space rations, the crew of the international space station ISS will now be able to feast on a range of Italian delicacies, Italian astronaut Roberto Vittori has revealed as he prepares to blast off. "One of the particularities of this mission is that we'll be taking Italian food with us, traditional products from the Latium region, to give the international space station an Italian flavour," Vittori said at a press conference ahead of Friday's take off. Cheese, nuts, biscuits, sweets and honey will liven up the menu astronauts apparently often moan about on their long missions in space. They will also be tested for loss of flavour or nutritional value in weightless conditions".


Wrong dentist: "A German man with a longheld grudge against a dentist tried to run him over - but got the wrong dentist. The 47-year-old, from Bielefeld, hated the dentist after he allegedly pulled out the wrong teeth in 1992, and then botched the repair work. The anger boiled over after a heavy drinking session, and the man climbed into his car to drive to the dental surgery and tell the dentist what he thought of him. But he mixed up his dentist with another dentist who, by chance, was leaving the surgery after work, and on the spur of the moment decided to run him down. Police said it was a miracle that the injured man suffered only cuts and bruises and had not been killed. The defendant admitted to trying to kill him and said: "I hate him deeply. I've been in pain for years since he worked on my teeth." The man is now facing charges of attempted manslaughter and grievous bodily harm".


What a hero! "A man who found £2,000 in the pocket a second hand shirt in Buenos Aires tracked down the original owner. The man, known only as Claudio, took the shirt back to the shop where he had bought it, reports Clarin newspaper. Claudio told the shop assistant what had happened and, between them, the two tracked down the former owner of the shirt and returned the money. The money's rightful owner, Patricia Grieco, had sold the shirt, which had belonged to her late father, because she was short of cash. She said: "With examples like this one I am convinced that we can achieve a better world.""


(And don't forget your ration of Strange Justice before you go)
posted by bussorah at 5:07 PM

 


Luce Irigaray, You’ve Changed Our Lives

I must admit to enjoying sarcasm and Hatemonger’s Quarterly is very good at it. I reproduce one of their recent posts below in full

We, the crack young staff of “The Hatemonger’s Quarterly,” recently received a special invitation from our friends at the University of Nottingham. You know, where Robin Hood got his MA from the Department of Thievery.

Anyway, apparently the old U of N is offering a special seminar, to which the Official Gender Studies Department here at “The Hatemonger’s Quarterly” has been cordially invited. As any postmodern devotee must know, academic feminist-cum-abstruse theorist Luce Irigary will soon wax hegemonic at a special seminar devoted to her genius.

About the pretentious, jargon-laden palaver Ms. Irigaray produces, Alan Sokal and Jean Bricmont have written: “With friends like these, the feminist cause hardly needs enemies,” and “Simone de Beauvoir must be turning in her grave.”

She sounds pretty good, doesn’t she? We thought so too. As a result, dear reader, the Official We Got Invited and You Didn’t Department at “The Hatemonger’s Quarterly” has decided to offer a copy of our invitation below (in italics), to which we have affixed our own humble commentary.

Invitation to the Seminar of Luce Irigaray

Luce Irigaray is Special Professor at the School of Modern Languages of the University of Nottingham for three years.

Hmmm. Is she a “Special Professor” in the way that the mildly retarded are deemed “Special Students”?

During the week of 16-21 May, she will hold a seminar, in English, with people who are doing PhD research on her work. Such an event took place in May 2004. It was really appreciated by the participants, and was highly successful both for their work and in their life.

Ah, yes, Ms. Irigaray: You’ve changed our lives. Before we attended your seminar, we enjoyed surfing, long walks on the beach, and convertibles. Since we’ve basked in your luminous genius, however, we can only think about Judith Butler, “cosmic rhythms,” and “the universal quantifier.”

The students came from various Universities: Nottingham, Sheffield, Manchester, University of British Columbia in Canada, Macqarie University of Sydney in Australia. They belonged to different Schools and Departments: Cultural Studies, Art History, Philosophy, French, Spanish and Portuguese, Asian Studies, and Built Environment.

We know what you are thinking, dear reader: Built Environment? What the heck is that? To be honest, we don’t know. In all our days, we’ve only met three Built Environment majors, and they’ve all been trees. And we couldn’t get a word out of them.

The programme of the week was established according to the wishes of the students themselves. Generally, in the morning, Luce Irigaray explained some key words or key thoughts of her thinking, form a list drawn up by students: sexual difference; becoming, and especially feminine becoming; femininity – feminine – woman – female; sensible transcendental; feminine imaginary in relation to the symbolic order; maternal order; invisibility; desire; placental economy; exchange; the breath; energy; elements; angel; the East, etc.

We, the crack young staff of “The Hatemonger’s Quarterly,” were delighted to find out that Ms. Irigaray aimed to discuss some of the “key thoughts of her thinking.” If you ask her to enlighten you on the “key thoughts of her drinking,” you don’t get as much out of it.

But we can’t believe we missed her glorious lucubrations on the “placental economy.” That’s a real hot topic these days. In fact, if we recall correctly, Honduras now operates entirely on a placental economy. And it’s been great for its GDP.







THE NEWS

Just peachy! "When Susan Peacher hung up her latex evening gown and wooden paddle for a job with the federal government, the former dominatrix thought she was done with abuse. She went to work for the Treasury Department in San Francisco, but when she arrived at her new job, she found that one of the office managers was a former client. This man wouldn't leave her alone, she said in a sexual harassment and retaliation lawsuit, charging that he sexually harassed her, attempting to kiss her in the elevator, telling her she had 'luscious lips,' and repeatedly asking for 'sessions.' ... Last month, Peacher, 45, reached a settlement with the government, which did not admit liability or fault. She will receive $35,000 in compensatory damages, $25,000 in attorney fees, a job transfer, approval to work at her South Bay home one day a week, and the restoration of almost 800 hours of assorted leave."


Hard to do: "A man was killed when he was hit by his own car in Sydney's south-west, police said today. The 45-year-old Bossley Park man was believed to have lost his footing while pushing his car, which had broken down in Wetherill Park about 4.30pm yesterday. He suffered fatal head injuries when he was trapped as his car hit another car that was waiting at traffic lights. His car then continued into a parked car".

Big Mac eat your heart out: "Hamburgers made of New Zealand beef are being sold by a London restaurant for STG55 ($134) each. The burgers, made from meat from cattle of the Japanese wagyu breed, come with fries, and are being sold at the Zuma restaurant in fashionable Knightsbridge, the British tabloid The Daily Mail reported. A spokeswoman for the restaurant said: "Our wagyu beef comes from New Zealand, where the cows are reared on beer and massaged until they weigh three-quarters of a tonne, more than double the weight of an average cow. "The meat rivals foie gras for richness, tenderness, calorific content - and cost. It's also the only beef proven to reduce cholesterol levels." Zuma owner Rainer Becker said he introduced the burger after a request from James Bond actor Pierce Brosnan, who ordered wagyu beef while the two dined in Japan. The burgers work out at $NZ10 ($9) a bite, or the equivalent of $NZ600 ($559) per kilo for the beef, and have been labelled London's most expensive burger"


(And don't forget your ration of Strange Justice before you go)
posted by bussorah at 5:52 PM

 


L.A. Driver's Exam


For those of you who are not "fortunate" enough to live in California, here is a copy of the California Driver's Exam, and for those of you who do, study real hard. This is a new exam. Since driving conditions (and culture) are unique in Los Angeles, you may not have realized that the California Department of Motor Vehicles has now issued a special application and driver's test solely for the Los Angeles Metropolitan Area.

GREATER LOS ANGELES AREA DRIVER'S LICENSE APPLICATION:

Name:___________________ Stage name: ____________________

Agent:___________________ Attorney:_______________________

Therapist name:_________________

Sex: ___male ___female ___formerly male ___formerly female ____both

*If female, indicate breast implant size: _______
Will the size of your implants hinder your ability to safely operate a
motor vehicle in any way?

Yes___ No ___

Please list brand of cell phone: ________.
*If you don't own a cell phone,
please explain:________________________

Please check hair color:

Females: [ ] Blonde [ ] Platinum Blonde
Teenagers: [ ] Red [ ] Orange [ ] Green
[ ] Purple [ ] Blue [ ] Skinhead

Please check activities you perform while driving: (Check all that apply)

[ ] Eating
[ } Drinking Starbucks coffee
[ ] Applying make-up
[ ] Shaving (male or female)
[ ] Talking on the phone
[ ] Slapping kids in the back-seat
[ ] Applying cellulite treatment to thighs
[ ] Tanning
[X ] Snorting cocaine (already checked for your convenience)
[ ] Watching TV
[ ] Reading Variety
[ ] Surfing the net via laptop
[ ] Discharging firearms / Reloading

Please indicate how many times

a) you expect to shoot at other drivers _____
b) how many times you expect to be shot at while driving _____


If you are the victim of a carjacking, you should immediately:

a) Call the police to report the crime.
b) Call Channel 9 News to report the crime, then watch your car
on the news in a high-speed chase.
c) Call your attorney and discuss lawsuit against cellular phone
company for 911 call not going through.
d) Call your therapist.

In the event of an earthquake, you should :

a) stop your car.
b) keep driving and hope for the best.
c) immediately use your cell phone to call all loved ones.
d) pull out your video camera and obtain footage for Channel 9.

In the instance of rain, you should:

a) never drive over 5 MPH.
b) drive twice as fast as usual.
c) you're not sure what "rain" is.

Please indicate number of therapy sessions per week: ______.

Are you presently taking any of the following medications?

a) Prozac
b) Zovirax
c) Lithium
d) Zanax
e) Valium
f) Zoloft
g) All of the above
h) None of the above
*If none, please explain: __________________.

Length of daily commute:

a) Less than 1 hour
b) 1 hour
c) 2 hours
d) 3 hours
e) 4 hours or more
* If less than 1 hour, please explain:____________________.

When stopped by police, you should:

a) pull over and have your driver's license and insurance form ready.
b) try to outrun them by driving the wrong way on the 405 Freeway.
c) have your video camera ready and provoke them to attack, thus
ensuring yourself of a hefty lawsuit.

When turning, you should always signal your intentions by:

a) using your directional signals.
b) what is a "directional signal"?


Which part of your car will wear out most often?

a) the wiper blades
b) the belts
c) the horn

Automatic door locks are good for:

a) security
b) convenience
c) messing with the heads of people trying to get in

The "bright" setting on your headlights is for:

a) dark, poorly lit roads
b) flashing to get the car ahead to move out of the way
c) revenge!

Your rear view mirror is for:

a) watching for approaching cars
b) watching for approaching police cars
c) checking your hair







THE NEWS

Expensive dog: "A Hong Kong couple are suing their former neighbours for $HK20 million ($3.23 million) after their pet dog was allegedly mauled to death by two larger dogs, a report said today. The pair told a court the death of their tiny Shih Tzu dog Sha Sha caused them distress and are demanding compensation for post-traumatic stress disorder, the South China Morning Post reported. Lawyers for psychologist Grace Chin and her solicitor husband Eugene Oh told the Court of First Instance that the dogs of former neighbours Kate Richdale and Yan Su Zhen pulled their tiny pooch through the bars of a garden gate and attacked it, the report said".


Unusual combination: "Margaret Thatcher, the former British prime minister, has made a rare public appearance for her beloved Conservative Party - at a glitzy London lap-dancing club. Thatcher, 79, toting her trademark handbag, turned up Sunday at Stringfellow's for a Tory fund-raising event ahead of the May 5 general election, the Daily Telegraph and the Sun newspapers reported. "Margaret Thatcher has always been a heroine of mine, so I was genuinely humbled to welcome her to the club," said mulleted clubowner Peter Stringfellow, 64, who is usually surrounded by buxom blonde twentysomethings. "I was just in awe of the woman." Thatcher, known as the Iron Lady for her uncompromising right-wing politics when she was prime minister throughout the 1980s, rarely makes public appearances due to her failing health. Some 400 Conservative supporters turned up for Sunday's function"


Heartburn in New Zealand: "The New Zealand Government is made up of a bunch of "queers" and "tossers", dominated by politically correct and butch "front-bums", otherwise known as women. That is the view of the Government's own star Maori MP, John Tamihere - and Prime Minister Helen Clark is unable to sack him because of his popularity with Maori and middle-ground voters. Mr Tamihere also toldInvestigate magazine, in an interview he now claims was off the record, that he was sick of being "made to feel guilty" about the number of Jews who died in the Holocaust. Miss Clark, usually a brutal political operator who is swift to remove anyone who misbehaves, was humiliated yesterday when Mr Tamihere disobeyed her direct order to stay away from parliament and "reflect" on the offence caused by his remarks."

(And don't forget your ration of Strange Justice before you go)
posted by bussorah at 6:54 PM

 


To Kill an American

You probably missed it in the rush of news last week, but there was actually a report that someone in Pakistan had published in a newspaper an offer of a reward to anyone who killed an American, any American.

So an Australian dentist wrote the following to let everyone know what an American is... so they would know when they found one. (Good on ya, mate!!!!)

An American is English, or French, or Italian, Irish, German, Spanish, Polish, Russian or Greek.

An American may also be Canadian, Mexican, African, Indian, Chinese, Japanese, Korean, Australian, Iranian, Asian, or Arab, or Pakistani, or Afghan.

An American may also be a Cherokee, Osage, Blackfoot, Navaho, Apache, Seminole or one of the many other tribes known as native Americans.

An American is Christian, or he could be Jewish, or Buddhist, or Muslim.

In fact, there are more Muslims in America than in Afghanistan. The only difference is that in America they are free to worship as each of them chooses.

An American is also free to believe in no religion. For that he will answer only to God, not to the government, or to armed thugs claiming to speak for the government and for God.

An American lives in the most prosperous land in the history of the world.

The root of that prosperity can be found in the Declaration of Independence, which recognizes the God given right of each person to the pursuit of happiness.

An American is generous. Americans have helped out just about every other nation in the world in their time of need.

When the Soviet army overran Afghanistan 20 years ago, Americans came with arms and supplies to enable the people to win back their country!

As of the morning of September 11, Americans had given more than any other nation to the poor in Afghanistan.

Americans welcome the best, the best products, the best books, the best music, the best food, the best athletes. But they also welcome the least.

The national symbol of America, The Statue of Liberty, welcomes your tired and your poor, the wretched refuse of your teeming shores, the homeless, tempest tossed. These in fact are the people who built America.

Some of them were working in the Twin Towers the morning of September 11, 2001 earning a better life for their families. I've been told that the World Trade Center victims were from at least 30 other countries, cultures, and first languages, including those that aided and abetted the terrorists.

So you can try to kill an American if you must.

Hitler did.

So did General Tojo, and Stalin, and Mao Tse-Tung, and every bloodthirsty tyrant in the history of the world.

But, in doing so you would just be killing yourself. Because Americans are not a particular people from a particular place. They are the embodiment of the human spirit of freedom. Everyone who holds to that spirit, everywhere, is an American.


(I have not even tried to look the origins of this one up on Snopes. No doubt they would declare it a "Glurge" in their usual insulting Leftist way)






THE NEWS

An amusing Wal-Mart customer: "Yes, I went to the evil walmart today. I had to go. My aunt got me a gift certificate there for my birthday. Clearly, she doesn't know me very well as anyone who does knows how much I loath walmart. Well, I guess I didn't have to go today. I did it to put off the work I am re-doing b/c my computer died the other day. I actually went to walmart to procrastinate in a new and different way. (And notice that now I am procrastinating again by blogging!). I spent an hour in walmart trying to figure out how to spend $50 bucks. I got one of those usb "jump drives," but with walmart's rolling back prices, it was only $19. I wandered around the store in a near daze. The place is so crammed with stuff it is overwhelming. They had a few different radios in different parts of the store playing-- that's right-- walmart commercials!! I felt like I should have been wearing a tinfoil hat to keep the propaganda out. I ended up with the jump drive, a salad spinner, a nifty battery-operated toothbrush, a notebook, and some not needed but too cheap not to buy tupperware".



Wacky British idea: "Cat bells have proved an effective way of stopping moggies [cats] making meals of garden birds, but police in the genteel retirement resorts of Frinton and Clacton are hoping they may also help save pensioners from having their money swiped. Before taking a stroll on the seafront or wandering down to the shops, elderly people in the Essex seaside towns are being encouraged to ensure that they have a set of bells attached to their purse or wallet. If they hear a little tinkle they will realise that light fingers may be in their bag and ... well, it is not quite clear what they would do next".


Germany: Bank hands out fake notes: "A German bank has been caught handing out thousands of fake euros to customers.Police who were alerted to the fact by a customer say they later confiscated 70,000 pounds worth of fake euros from the bank in Cologne, but did not say how the money came to be in the bank's coffers. An unnamed female customer who was paid 5,000 euros (3,400 pounds) in fake cash from the KoelnBonn savings bank in Cologne's Longerich district was the first to raise the alert. She said: 'The notes were nearly all new. Then I noticed that they all had the same serial number.' The bank admitted it had not contacted the police straight away, claiming it wanted to carry out an internal investigation first."


(And don't forget your ration of Strange Justice before you go)
posted by bussorah at 5:43 PM

 


A JEWISH SHERLOCK HOLMES

After months of negotiation with the authorities, a Talmudist from Odessa was finally granted permission to visit Moscow. He boarded the train and found an empty seat. At the next stop, a young man got on and sat next to him. The scholar looked at the young man and he thought: This fellow doesn't look like a peasant, so if he is no peasant he probably comes from this district. If he comes from this district, then he must be Jewish because this is, after all, a Jewish district. But on the other hand, since he is a Jew, where could he be going? I'm the only Jew in our district who has permission to travel to Moscow.

Ahh, wait! Just outside Moscow there is a little village called Samvet, and Jews don't need special permission to go to Samvet But why would he travel to Samvet? He is surely going to visit one of the Jewish families there. But how many Jewish families are there in Samvet? Aha, only two - the Bernsteins and the Steinbergs. But since the Bernsteins are a terrible family, so such a nice looking fellow like him, he must be visiting the Steinbergs.

But why is he going to the Steinbergs in Samvet? The Steinbergs have only daughters, two of them, so maybe he's their son-in-law. But if he is, then which daughter did he marry? They say that Sarah Steinberg married a nice lawyer from Budapest, and Esther married a businessman from Zhitomer, so it must be Sarah's husband. Which means that his name is Alexander Cohen, if I'm not mistaken. But if he came from Budapest, with all the anti-Semitism they have there, he must have changed his name.

What's the Hungarian equivalent of Cohen? It is Kovacs. But since they allowed him to change his name, he must have special status to change it. What could it be? Must be a doctorate from the University. Nothing less would do. At this point, therefore, the scholar of Talmud turns to the young man and says, "Excuse me. Do you mind if I open the window, Dr. Kovacs?" "Not all all," answered the startled co-passenger. "But how is it that you know my name?" "Ahhh," replied the Talmudist, "It was obvious."






THE NEWS

From the wilds of San Francisco: "A 15-year-old boy was killed and another injured in San Francisco on Friday during a shootout between juveniles on the street and on a Muni bus, police said. The incident occurred about 4 p.m. at the intersection of Hudson Avenue and Cashmere Street in the Bayview neighborhood. According to officer Maria Oropeza, a group of youths on the street fired a gun at a group of juveniles on the 54 Felton bus while it was at a stop. The youths on the bus returned fire, hitting a 15-year-old boy on the street who later died at a hospital. Another boy, also 15, left the bus and was struck by a bullet. He had a minor injury, Oropeza said. No one was arrested, and officers are asking for the public's help in identifying the individuals involved".

An amazing tame hippo: "Around the world, many people rescue small creatures like hedghogs and injured birds. But never before has this goodwill extended to one of the most dangerous animals on earth. When a baby hippopotamus was washed up on the bank of a river on their farm, Elsa and Tony Joubert decided they couldn't leave her to her fate. The 16kg youngster, who had been orphaned after floods had separated her from her mother, was at dire risk of being eaten by crocodiles or starving to death. So Ms Joubert, a primary school teacher, carried the helpless creature up to the couple's South African farmhouse and bottle-fed her..... Jessica's best friends are the Jouberts' three dogs, who fight for a share of the biscuits. Mr Joubert, 54, says: "Jessica loves the three dogs. "She plays in the garden with them, and they keep the birds from bothering her: every time one flies near her, the dogs snap it away with their jaws." If she's swimming in the river and Mr Joubert calls her, she heaves herself up the bank and follows him... He says: "No one has ever tamed a hippo before. "She is amazingly gentle. Our friends' eight-year-old daughter slipped in the water recently and Jessica immediately swam over to her and nudged her back on to the bank. "We never realised just how intelligent hippos are.""

Size DOES matter: "A Russian man born with genitals so small that he was unable to have sex has been given the chance to lead a normal love life after a new penis was "grown'' on his arm during pioneering surgery. In an 11-hour operation, plastic surgeons in Moscow removed the 28-year-old's undersized penis and stitched it on to his left forearm, where they grafted on additional flesh and tissue taken from his inner arm. The newly enlarged organ, which had grown from less than 2ins to nearly 7ins, was then reattached to his groin. His surgeon, Professor Mikhail Sokolshchik, of the National Medical Surgical Centre, hopes that the patient will eventually be able to have sexual relations and father children".

(And don't forget your ration of Strange Justice before you go)


posted by bussorah at 7:24 PM

 


WHAT A REAL WOMAN DOES

On a transatlantic flight, a plane passes through a severe storm. The turbulence is awful, and things go from bad to worse when one wing is struck by lightning. One woman in particular loses it. Screaming, she stands up in the front of the plane. "I'm too young to die," she wails. Then she yells, "Well, if I'm going to die, I want my last minutes on earth to be memorable! "Is there anyone on this plane who can make me feel like a woman?"

For a moment there is silence. Everyone has forgotten their own peril. They all stare. Eyes riveted, at the desperate woman in the front of the plane. Then a cowboy named Jack from Carmichael Saskatchewan stands up in the rear of the plane. He is handsome: well built, with dark brown hair and blue eyes.

He starts to walk slowly up the aisle, unbuttoning his shirt. One button at a time. No one moves. He removes his shirt. Muscles ripple across his chest.

She gasps...

He whispers...."Iron this -- and then get me a beer"






THE NEWS

Feinstein cops a pink brick: "In Dianne Feinstein's hometown of San Francisco, hard feelings apparently linger about the senator's remark that the push to make marriage legal for same-sex couples hurt Democrats in the November election. Organizers of the gay pride parade held in the city every June announced Thursday that Feinstein was the winner of this year's 'Pink Brick' award, a dubious honor bestowed on the public figure a San Francisco group decides has done the most to damage the gay rights cause. President Bush and talk show host Laura Schlessinger were the previous winners."


Expensive glamor: "A British man handed an unusual court order banning him from dressing in women's clothes in public after dark was jailed after being found cross-dressing in his car. David Harris, 37, was spotted by police wearing an off-the-shoulder cream top and cotton skirt, and was arrested, Gloucester Crown Court in the west of England was told. He had been banned in June last year from wearing women's clothes, accessories or footwear in public places during night time following concern that such outfits prompted him to commit sexual offences. In 1998, Harris was jailed for two indecent assaults on young women, one carried out while he wore a pink dress and a black bra. He was released in 2002, but returned to prison the following year after being spotted wearing women's clothing again. Shortly before he was freed in June 2004, the clothing ban was made under sexual offences legislation. Harris - who appeared in court in a black jacket and trousers - pleaded guilty to breaching the order, and was jailed for two and a half years".


Unemployed offered holidays : "Unemployed Croatians are being urged to take on jobs that promise luxury holidays instead of cash wages. City authorities in the capital Zagreb where 41,000 out of the city's 1 million population are out of work, are offering the jobless work without traditional wages but with holidays to spa resorts instead, local news agency Hina reported. Zagreb City Council Head of Social Welfare Zvonimir Sostar said the move would help motivate unemployed people to get back to work. But some local politicians have slammed the idea. City councillor Tomislav Jelic, said: 'Unemployed people need jobs to earn money for their families. They do not need holidays at a spa.'"

(And don't forget your ration of Strange Justice before you go)
posted by bussorah at 5:32 PM

 


POISONOUS COOKIES: THE TRUTH IS STRANGER THAN ...

The software used to produce this blog (and about 3 million other blogs) is provided by a firm called Blogger (surprising name!) which is owned by Google.

One big complaint that is often made by users is that Blogger sometimes "eats" their posts when they push the "Publish" button. All their carefully thought-out writings just vanish forever into thin air instead of being posted to blogspot. That is indeed vexing but the solution is a simple one: Save your posts either to the clipboard (highlight with mouse and hit Ctrl+C) or to your hard disk before you hit "Publish". Prudence is however a far from universal virtue among bloggers so the grumbles go on.

But leave it to Blogger! They devised a workaround solution (instead of fixing the problem). As you type away, your thoughts will be saved to a cookie on your hard disk BEFORE you hit the "Publish" button. Great Idea. Now you can get your "eaten" posts back. About 48 hours ago they introduced this new "improvement" (called "Recover Post") WITHOUT first checking how well it worked. And the cookies the new software saved to your hard disk turned out to be highly poisonous. The cookie told your browser not to recognize the Blogger site at all! If an evil hacker had set out to bring down Blogger, he could not have done a better job! So Blogger software became permanently inaccessible to all Blogger users with the poisonous cookie on their disks.

It was only by reading around other blogs that I found out what was going on and so purged all cookies from my disk. That is how you are hearing from me now.

Big problems have often accompanied Blogger's frequent "improvements" and I have in fact written to Jason Shellen several times begging them not to make any further "improvements" but they obviously have a team of Improvers there who need to justify their existence so the problems go on. Their Improvers must, however, be the biggest crowd of clots and clowns this side of Hell so why they do not all get the sack, I do not know.






LOGIC

A New Zealand joke

Two builders (Chris and James) are seated either side of a table in a rough pub when a well-dressed man enters, orders a beer and sits on a stool at the bar. The two builders start to speculate about the occupation of the suit.

Chris: - I reckon he's an accountant.
James: - No way - he's a stockbroker.
Chris: - He ain't no stockbroker! A stockbroker wouldn't come in here!

The argument repeats itself for some time until the volume of beer gets the better of Chris and he makes for the toilet.

On entering the toilet he sees that the suit is standing at a urinal. Curiosity and the several beers get the better of the builder.

Chris: - Scuse me.... no offence meant, but me and me mate were wondering what you do for a living?
Suit: - No offence taken ! I'm a Logical Scientist by profession
Chris: - Oh ! What's that then ?
Suit: - I'll try to explain by example ... Do you have a goldfish at home?
Chris: - Er .. mmm ... well yeah, I do as it happens!
Suit: - Well, it's logical to follow that you keep it in a bowl or in a pond. Which is it?
Chris: - It's in a pond!
Suit: - Well then it's reasonable to suppose that you have a large garden then?
Chris: - As it happens, yes I have got a big garden!
Suit: - Well then it's logical to assume that in this town if you have a large garden then you have a large house?
Chris: - As it happens I've got a five bedroom house... built it myself!
Suit: - Well given that you've built a five bedroom house it is logical to assume that you haven't built it just for yourself and that you are quite probably married?
Chris: - Yes I am married, I live with my wife and three children.
Suit: - Well then it is logical to assume that you are sexually active with your wife on a regular basis?
Chris:- Yep! Four nights a week!
Suit: - Well then it is logical to suggest that you do not masturbate very often?
Chris: - Me? Never
Suit: - Well there you are! That's logical science at work!
Chris: - How's that then?
Suit: - Well from finding out that you had a goldfish, I've told you about your sex life !
Chris: - I see! That's pretty impressive... thanks mate!

Both leave the toilet and Chris returns to his mate.

James: - I see the suit was in there. Did you ask him what he does?
Chris: - Yep! He's a logical scientist!
James: - What's that then?
Chris: - I'll try and explain. Do you have a goldfish?
James: - Nope
Chris: - Well then, you're a wanker





THE NEWS

Lucky guy "A 4m saltwater crocodile jumped into a Northern Territory man's boat and bit him on the head. Mine worker Geoff Bolitho, 36, escaped with a puncture wound to the top of his head, one to his left arm and scratches. "I have got a story to tell now - I am just lucky I can tell it," he said. "I think I was very lucky fella - I don't think I will be camping out for a while." Rangers at Kakadu National Park later found and shot the aggressive saltie. Mr Bolitho, who lives at Jabiru about 250km east of Darwin, told the Northern Territory News he had been fishing on the East Alligator River when the attack happened about 8pm on Tuesday."


Watch out for grannies: "A 77-year-old granny made a citizen's arrest in Germany when she rugby-tackled a 25-year-old jay walker. The pensioner sat on him until police arrived -- because he had walked across a road before the light was green. The woman, from Freital, near Dresden, shouted at the man as he crossed the road before the little green man flashed up. The old lady said she became even angrier when he hit her with his rucksack as he pushed past her when he reached the other side of the road. She grabbed his hair and managed to wrestle him to the ground where she sat on him until police, who had been called by a passer-by, came."


Food stamps are fattening: "Charles Baum III, an economics professor at Middle Tennessee State University, says people living in poverty in America have undergone a definite physical change over the last 200 years. Being poor once meant having a thin, frail body type as a result of lack of food. Now, these individuals are more likely to be not just overweight, but obese, he says, ... [and] traces the change to sometime in the 1960s, when obesity rates began to rise. It was around this time that the Food Stamp Act came into being, which provided food to those living below the poverty level. The idea of a connection between food stamps and obesity has caught the interest of the U.S. Department of Agriculture, and the agency recently awarded Baum a $120,000 grant to study the relationship of the Food Stamp Program to the rise of obesity."


(And don't forget your ration of Strange Justice before you go)
posted by bussorah at 4:38 PM

 


Wow!

Blogger has sure been buggy lately. This latest downtime was the longest yet, I think. It has convinced me that I too need mirror sites. I will not update them regularly -- just when blogger is giving trouble. You may want to bookmark them. The mirror for this site is here

And the mirror for Strange Justice is here
posted by bussorah at 7:53 AM

 


Random One-Liners

I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with "Guess" on it. So I said "Implants?" She hit me.

How come we choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?

I signed up for an exercise class and was told to wear loose-fitting clothing. If I HAD any loose-fitting clothing, I wouldn't have signed up in the first place!

Wouldn't it be nice if whenever we messed up our life we could simply press 'Ctrl Alt Delete' and start all over?

Why is it that our children can't read a Bible in school, but they can in prison?

Now that food has replaced sex in my life, I can't even get into my own pants.






THE NEWS

(Comedians' version)

"Researchers at an Austrian university are facing ethics charges for using human corpses as crash test dummies. See, that's what happens if you don't have a good Social Security system. You have to keep working even after you're dead." -Leno

"According to the New York City Health Department, there's a rat problem in the city. We have at least 3 million rats, possibly as many as 10 million. And they're not like the little white lab rats. The Health Department says that these rats are too smart to be trapped. Don't kid yourself, these rats are smart. Today outside Central Park I saw a rat doing the New York Times crossword puzzle in ballpoint pen." -Letterman

"Defense lawyers say they might have Michael Jackson testify. They don't really want him to, but doctors believe it's the only way they can get his nose to grow back. " -Leno

"You know what's amazing? In the five months since Martha Stewart went to jail, her company's stock price has tripled. Not only that, Martha Stewart herself is now worth more than 600 million cigarettes." -Leno

"[Michael Jackson] gets the kids over and he gives them vodka and porn. You know, you get rid of the child molestation thing and this guy's the really cool uncle I always wanted." -Leno


(And don't forget your ration of Strange Justice before you go)
posted by bussorah at 7:37 AM

 


TAXICABS GET RESULTS

A minister has just died and is standing in line waiting to be judged and admitted to Heaven. While waiting he asks the man in front of him about himself. The man says, "I am a taxi driver from New York City." The angel standing at the gate calls out "next," and the taxi driver steps up. The angel hands him a golden staff and a cornucopia of fruits, cheeses, and wine and lets him pass. The taxi driver is quite pleased, and proceeds through the gates.

Next, the minister steps up to the angel who hands him a wooden staff and some bread and water.

The minister is very concerned and asks the angel, "That guy is a taxi driver and gets a golden staff and a cornucopia! I spend my entire life as a minister and get nothing! How can that be?"

The angel replies, "Up here we judge on results. All of your people sleep through your sermons. In his taxi, they pray."






THE NEWS

The economics of dung theft: "A Harvard professor who specialises in environmental economics was arrested on suspicion of trying to steal a load of manure from a Massachusetts farm, a police officer said today. Professor Martin Weitzman was arrested near the town of Rockport on April 1, Rockport police officer Michael Marino said. Philip Casey, who manages a horse stable at the farm, had called police after finding Prof Weitzman and his truck on the farm and stopped him from leaving, Marino said. The Harvard academic was charged with trespassing, larceny under $US250 ($326), and malicious destruction of property - because the truck left marks on the farm, Mr Marino said. "He seemed a little befuddled standing there with a truck-bed full of manure," Mr Marino said. Prof Weitzman then offered to pay for the manure on his truck, he said. Prof Weitzman, whose research interests listed on a Harvard website include the economics of biodiversity and global warming, did not return calls seeking comment".


Lawbreakers made to pay: "A few weeks ago, New Haven resident Cara Norman found her son's car being towed from outside her Connecticut home. The reason stunned her. It turns out she owed $37 in back taxes. "I was furious. I'm going; 'What are you towing it for?' And he said 'Well, you owe back taxes." As CBS News Correspondent Thalia Assuras reports, in a small but growing number of cities, vehicle tax and parking ticket deadbeats are being nailed by the taxman's new high-tech tool. "We like it," says Moses Cortez of the Arlington Treasurer's Office in Virginia. "It makes our job a lot easier." It looks like a radar gun, but it's actually an infrared scanner that reads license plate numbers and then runs them against a computer database of tax and ticket delinquents. If there's a match, it locks in. "It will read hundreds of plates in a few minutes," says Cortez. On a recent outing through the streets of Arlington, it only took seven minutes to hit pay dirt. The car was stripped of its plates, booted or towed until the owner pays up. Arlington County Treasurer Frank O'Leary says it's a cash cow. "It sure is and we're going to keep doing it," he says. "The cars just jump right out and say, 'Here I am, come and get me.'" Arlington is reeling in $2,800 of lost revenue a day, already more than paying for the gadget, which cost $2,700".


Californians really ARE weird: "For years, Americans have caricatured Californians as spandex-wearing New Age disciples with a proclivity for hugging trees and an aversion to anything without wheat germ. This is, after all, the state that created an official task force to promote self-esteem. But, as it turns out, some of those quirky -- or perhaps more charitably, distinct -- California qualities may be true. And a marketing professor at California State University, Sacramento, has some of the evidence to prove it. Dennis Tootelian recently announced the results of a survey that has people outside the state no doubt saying: 'See, I told you!' Among his findings: 63 percent of Californians have actually hugged a tree; 24 percent have surfed; and 21 percent admit to enjoying mud baths. 'It turns out that Californians actually do a lot of the things that make up the stereotype,' says Tootelian."


(And don't forget your ration of Strange Justice before you go)
posted by bussorah at 5:19 PM

 

Well, from the feedback I have received, my original template is for most people easier to read and less distracting than my newer template. So the original is back to stay. I have also chosen a plainer template for Strange Justice.
posted by bussorah at 7:33 PM

 


Reasons why the English language is so hard to learn:

1) The bandage was wound around the wound.

2) The farm was used to produce produce.

3) The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse.

4) We must polish the Polish furniture.

5) He could lead if he would get the lead out.

6) The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert.

7) Since there is no time like the present, he thought it was time to present the present.

8) A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum.

9) When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.

10) I did not object to the object.

11) The insurance was invalid for the invalid.

12) There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row.

13) They were too close to the door to close it.

14) The buck does funny things when the does are present.

15) A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line.

16) To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.

17) The wind was too strong to wind the sail

18) After a number of injections my jaw got number.

19) Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear.

20) I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.

21) How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?

22) There is no egg in eggplant, nor ham in hamburger; neither apple, nor pine in pineapple.

23) English muffins weren't invented in England, or French fries in France.

24) Sweetmeats are candies while sweetbreads, which aren't sweet, are meat.

25) Quicksand works slowly.

26) Boxing rings are square and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea, nor is it a pig.

27) And why is it that writers write but fingers don't fing, grocers don't groce and hammers don't ham?

28) If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn't the plural of booth beeth?

29) One goose, 2 geese. So one moose, 2 meese?

30) Doesn't it seem crazy that you can make amends but not one amend.

31) If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all but one of them, what do you call it? Is it an odd, or an end?

32) If teachers taught, why didn't preachers praught?

33) If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat?

34) In what language do people a) Recite at a play and play at a recital? b) Ship by truck and send cargo by ship? c) Have noses that run and feet that smell?

35) How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and a wise guy are opposites?

36) You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language in which your house can burn up as it burns down, in which you fill in a form by filling it out and in which, an alarm goes off by going on.

37) English was invented by people, not computers, and it reflects the creativity of the human race, which, of course, is not a race at all. That is why, when the stars are out, they are visible, but when the lights are out, they are invisible.

38) Finally, you can be an alien as a foreigner, or as an extraterstrial, or be a stranger and of course extragallactical being. And no one of those conditions are alienable or be submitted to alienation.

Crazy language!!!!! P. S. - Why on earth doesn't "Buick" rhyme with "quick"?






THE NEWS

Drainpipe explorers: "Subcultures are like sea anemones - touch them and they pop out of sight again. When Radar made contact with an urban drainpipe exploring fraternity, the Cave Clan, for this story, we received this response: "Because of the Cave Clan's somewhat legally grey activities, few of us wish to be publicly identified as members. For about the last year we've had a group ban on media contact. That step was taken because we were getting too much exposure, which was felt to be incompatible with the aims of the group. And still is.""


Dead man walking: "Lance Brooks wants it known that he is not dead, despite what his credit card company thinks. "I don't want anybody to be disappointed by that news," he said last night. Mr Brooks, 59, first realised that he was overstaying his welcome on Earth when a debt-collection company, National Credit Risk Management, called and asked to speak to whoever was in charge of his estate. The woman on the phone was shocked when he said: "Me." The firm had received a certificate from American Express saying Mr Brooks was dead and his credit card was being closed. The former education worker then received a letter saying he was dead, expressing condolences to his family. "I told National Credit Risk Management that I was surprised at my death as I felt very much alive," he said. "The caller was a little put out. "Apparently, I had used my credit card 10 days after dying. "I telephoned American to explain my position and asked for the reinstatement of my credit card. "They said this was impossible as I was dead. "I was referred back to National Credit Risk Management. "A company official became agitated and told me she had taken my name from their records. "I got the feeling that I was being punished for still being alive and for faking my death".


Chinese justice: "A man jailed for his wife's murder has been freed after she turned up alive with another husband. She Xianglin's wife, Zhang Zaiyu, disappeared in 1994. When a woman's body was found in a reservoir, he was detained on suspicion of killing her. She, 39, was coerced into admitting her murder then sentenced to 15 years in jail. His wife resurfaced in late March, having run away and remarried".


(And don't forget your ration of Strange Justice before you go)
posted by bussorah at 5:11 PM

 


Hmmmm....

Since I changed to a more modern template I seem to have lost quite a few readers. I used to get about 2,000 hits a week and it is now down to 1300. I suspect a bug in the counting program but in case people actually prefer the old template I am reviving it for a while. I would be interested in any comments.
posted by bussorah at 8:30 PM

 


The Church Gossip


The church gossip and self-appointed arbiter of the church's morals kept sticking her nose into other people's business. Several church members were unappreciative of her activities, but feared her enough to maintain their silence.

She made a mistake, however, when she accused George, a new member, of being a drunk after she saw his pickup truck parked in front of the town's only bar one afternoon. She commented to George and others that everyone seeing it there would know what he was doing.

George, a man of few words, stared at her for a moment and just walked away. He didn't explain, defend, or deny; he said nothing. Later that evening, George quietly parked his pickup in front of her house . . . and left it there all night.






THE NEWS

Color for crims: "Japan is to try to improve morale among its swelling prison population by giving inmates more attractively colored uniforms and bedding. Experts have advised the government that the clashing orange and green striped bedcovers prisons have been using for more than half a century could make prisoners nervous and aggressive, Kyodo news agency said. The color psychologists recommended bedding in warm colors such as brown for a good night's sleep. Black and white striped pajamas and yellow-green uniforms were also criticized as "lacking brightness." The psychologists recommended they be replaced with mint green and pale blue outfits, to give prisoners a more positive outlook, Kyodo said".


No sex please. We're Japanese: "Like many Japanese women, Junko waited until her early 30s to get married. When she and her fiance decided to tie the knot, she set her sights on starting a family. Fifteen years later, Junko and her husband are childless. It is not that they cannot have children; it is just that they have never had sex. The sexless marriage is one of several reasons why experts fear Japan is on the verge of a demographic disaster. In 2003 Japan's birthrate hit a record low of 1.29 - the average number of times a woman gives birth during her lifetime - one of the lowest rates in the world, according to the cabinet office. The population will peak next year at about 128 million, then decline to just over 100 million by 2050. The 200 women a year who seek help at a clinic in the Tokyo suburbs have not had sex with their husbands in up to 20 years, and some never, according to Kim Myong-gan, who runs the clinic. "The women who come to see me love their husbands and aren't looking for a divorce," he said. "The problem is that their husbands lose interest in sex or don't want sex from the start. "Many men think of their wives as substitute mothers, not as women with emotional and sexual needs.""


Soccer is REALLY serious stuff: "An April Fool's joke nearly caused a riot in Croatia after thousands of protesters took to the streets. It came after an online news service claimed the country faced being banned from the 2006 World Cup finals. Index news claimed FIFA would not allow Croatia to take part in the World Cup unless the country handed over fugitive general Ante Gotovina. Gotovina is wanted for war crimes during the civil war that led to the break up of Yugoslavia. ... Thousands of protestors took to the streets carrying banners in support of Gotovina and attacking FIFA before the web site admitted it had made the whole thing up."



(And don't forget your ration of Strange Justice before you go)
posted by bussorah at 5:01 PM

 


Some questions from tourists recently fielded by Australian travel agents

Heard the one about the Japanese couple who hailed a taxi at Sydney airport and wanted to be driven around the island of Australia? [Australia is roughly the same size as the United States]

"Where can I see the hobbits in NZ?" [Hobbits are fictional]

"Do they have a bridge so we can drive out to the Great Barrier Reef?" [The reef is many miles out to sea]

"We're prone to sea-sickness ... how much is parking on the Great Barrier Reef?" [It's free if you can get your car there]

"Hi! I'd like a tour to New Zealand from Australia, but I don't want to fly - can the coach depart from Australia?" [Not many coaches can cross the Tasman sea]

"Can you please take me around the Date Line, rather than over it, as it makes it a bit too confusing to calculate my arrival date." [Many lessons needed for that one!]

"I assume I will need a passport to travel to Tasmania." [Do you need a passport to travel to Hawaii?]


Other bookings have caused other forms of amusement, such as a Mr Loveless and Ms Hooker travelling together.

Complaints, too, have been a source of humour, such as a disgruntled traveller grumbling he did not receive a tent with his itinerary for an escorted camping tour. APT staff gently advised him the tents would be supplied on tour.

Coach tour guide Craig Hill in his comprehensive new book Europe Coach Touring and Travel Journal lists some of the odd complaints he has dealt with over the years, including:

* "No-one told us there would be fish in the sea - the children were startled."
* "We had to queue outside with no air-conditioning."
* "It is your duty as tour operator to inform us of noisy or unruly guests before we travel."
* "It took us nine hours to fly to Jamaica from England, yet it only took the Americans three hours."
* "The brochure stated: 'No hairdressers at the accommodation.' My friend and I are hairdressers; will it be OK for us to stay there?"
* "I was bitten by a mosquito. No-one said they could bite."
* "We booked an excursion to the water park but no-one told us we had to bring our swimming costumes and towels."
* "We found the sand was not like the sand in the brochure. Your brochure shows the sand as yellow but it was white."
* "I compared the size of our one-bedroom apartment to our friends' three-bedroom apartment and ours was significantly smaller."
* "There were too many Spanish people in Spain. The receptionist spoke Spanish, the food was Spanish, too many foreigners."

While travel broadens the mind as much as it lightens the wallet, bear in mind any of these people may be fellow travellers on your next trip.

(Taken from here)






THE NEWS

BBC morons: "A red-faced BBC has apologised for requesting an interview with Bob Marley, the Jamaican reggae legend who died 24 years ago. BBC Three, one of the public broadcaster's digital TV channels, sent an e-mail to the Bob Marley Foundation saying it wanted to do a documentary about his hit song No Woman No Cry. It said the project would involve Marley - who died of cancer in May 1981 at the age of 36 - "spending one or two days with us", and that "it would only work with some participation from Bob Marley himself". In a statement, the BBC said: "We are obviously very embarrassed that we didn't realise that the letter to the Marley Foundation did not acknowledge that Mr Marley is no longer with us." Marley would have been 60 last February 6, a date that was celebrated with great fanfare by his legion of fans worldwide. A BBC press officer, contacted in London, confirmed that the gaffe was not an April Fool's joke".


Twisted knickers: "Ballet dancers have their knickers in a twist over their annual underwear allowance. The dancers say they need more G-strings and jockstraps. About 74 dancers made the demand in their latest pay claim to the Australian Ballet. Their union, the Media, Entertainment and Arts Alliance, said the underwear was essential. MEAA state secretary Louise Connor said progress had been made on behalf of male dancers, who already received three jockstraps a year. But an impasse had been reached on the question of G-strings. "We asked for five (jockstraps), but we've got up to four," she said. "We're still arguing about the G-strings. The ballet says they provide them when needed, but the dancers say they don't." The dancers are also seeking an annual allowance for the ribbon used to tie their pointe shoes"


Brits do it at home "Organizers of a major erotic festival are closing for business in Manchester due to a lack of interest, which they blame on recalcitrant northern English men. Erotica Manchester opened on Friday, selling a range of sex aids, clothing and footwear, but ticket sales have been poor and organizers say they will not be coming back. "We've tried to warm this city up for more than two years but northerners just haven't responded in sufficient numbers," said event director Savvas Christodoulou. "They are happy enough to come to our London event in the autumn but they seem embarrassed about being seen at Erotica Manchester." Organizers said their research shows northern women wanted to attend the three-day adult show but were "under the thumb of their other halves.""



(And don't forget your ration of Strange Justice before you go)
posted by bussorah at 4:21 PM

 


Ambidextrous Golfer

Four lawyers in a law firm lived and died for their Saturday morning round of golf. It was their favorite moment of the week. Then one of the lawyers was transferred to an office in another city. It wasn't quite the same without him.

A new woman lawyer joined their law firm. One day she overheard the remaining three talking about their golf round at the coffee table.

Curious, she spoke up, "You know, I used to play on my golf team in college and I was pretty good. Would you mind if I joined you next week?"

The three lawyers looked at each other. They were hesitant. Not one of them wanted to say yes, but she had them on the spot. Finally one man said it would be okay, but they would be starting pretty early at 6:30 am. He figured the early Tee-Time would discourage her immediately.

The woman said this might be a problem and asked if she could possibly be up to 15 minutes late. They rolled their eyes but said this would be okay. She smiled and said, "Good, then I'll be there either at 6:30 or 6:45."

She showed up right at 6:30 and wound up beating all three of them with an eye-opening 2-under par round. She was a fun and pleasant person the entire round. The guys were impressed. Back in the clubhouse they congratulated her and happily invited her back the next week. She smiled and said "Sure, I'll be here at 6:30 or 6:45."

The next week she again showed up at 6:30 Saturday morning. Only this time, she played left-handed. The three lawyers were incredulous as she still managed to beat them with an even par round despite playing with her off-hand. By now the guys were totally amazed, but wondered if she was just trying to make them look bad by beating them left-handed. They couldn't figure her out. She was again very pleasant and didn't seem to be showing them up, but each man began to harbor a burning desire to beat her.

In the third week they all had their game faces on. But this week she was 15 minutes late! This had the guys irritable because each was determined to play the best round of golf of his life to beat her. As they waited for her, they figured her late arrival was some petty gamesmanship on her part.
Finally she showed up. This week the lady lawyer played right-handed which was a good thing since she narrowly beat all three of them. However she was so gracious and so complimentary of their strong play, it was hard to keep a grudge against her. This woman was a riddle no one could figure out!

Back in the clubhouse she had all three guys shaking their heads at her ability. They had a couple beers after their round which helped the conversation loosen up. Finally one of the men could contain his
curiosity no longer. He asked her point blank, "How do you decide if you're going to golf right-handed or left-handed?"

The lady blushed and grinned. She said, "That's easy. When my dad taught me to play golf, I learned I was ambidextrous. I have always had fun switching back and forth. Then when I met my husband in college and got married, I discovered he always sleeps in the nude. From then on I developed a silly
habit. Right before I left in the morning for golf practice, I would pull the covers off him. If his
you-know-what was pointing to the right, I golfed right-handed; if it was pointed to the left, I golfed left-handed."

Astonished at this bizarre information, one of the guys shot back, "But what if it's pointed straight up in the air?"

She said, "Then I'm fifteen minutes late."






THE NEWS

Thank God for those 72 virgins: "Black men in Britain have nine times as many lovers during their lifetimes as Pakistani men, according to research released today. Black Caribbean and black African men reported having an average of nine sexual partners, compared with white men who had six. Indian men reported having two lovers and Pakistani men had only one in their lifetimes. The new data follows analysis of sexual habits of different ethnic groups in Britain. Black men reported having the highest incidence of STIs (sexually transmitted infections) and a higher level of risky sexual behaviour such as having unprotected intercourse and paying for sex. White women have an average of five sexual partners, black Caribbean women have four, black African women have three and Indian and Pakistani women each had only one sexual partner".


Baby panic: "A woman rushing to hospital to give birth in Kettering, Ohio, hit more than a few problems along the way. Debbie Coleman, whose three and four-year-old daughters were asleep in the back seat, pulled over at a petrol station just after midnight on Tuesday, delivered the baby - Richard Lee, weighing 2.5 kilograms - much to the surprise to the pump attendant, and drove off, heading for the hospital. A customer at the station tried to tell police what had happened, but a mix-up involving the licence plate number had them thinking that the van had been stolen. Meanwhile, police had straightened out the licence plate issue, but another caller mistakenly reported someone trying to throw a baby from a van. Ms Coleman said she suddenly noticed several cruisers following her before one cut her off. With guns drawn police ordered her out of the van with her hands up. "I opened the door and said, 'I just had a baby' and just let them see everything," she said".


April Fool: "Norway's Opera Software ASA couldn't resist the temptation of an April Fool's joke heralding a breakthrough in peer-to-peer communications. The company said it has developed "a platform-independent speech solution for short- and medium-range interpersonal communication." In plain language: human speech. Opera said in an April Fool's release that the so-called breakthrough, "Opera SoundWave," has a range of 100 feet and could be easily tested without special equipment, simply by asking someone near you a question, such as "Is today April Fool's Day?" If readers didn't get the joke by then, the statement went on to say that "Opera's patent-pending P2P speech technology uses analogue signals carried through open air, enabling users to communicate in real-time without the use of computers or mobile phones." And for anyone with lingering doubts, it went on to say SoundWave was discovered accidentally when an Opera technician said something and realized his colleague understood".


(And don't forget your ration of Strange Justice before you go)
posted by bussorah at 5:51 PM

 


57 Things That Every Woman Should Know


1. That you should RSVP within a week of receiving an invitation.

2. That your doctor does not have all the answers

3. That being female is no excuse for not knowing how to get on the Internet or to program a VCR.

4. Want to look five years younger? Get out of debt.

5. That your carry-on luggage can be an expensive indulgence, but the luggage you check shouldn't be.

6. If a jacket doesn't fit right in the shoulder, put it back-no matter what anyone claims they can fix.

7. The octane level of the gas your car requires, as well at the PSI needed to fill the tires.

8. You should never serve liver or a stew at a formal dinner party

9. That if your date often has trouble finding you, you may be wearing too much black.

10. That massages, vacations and high thread count cotton sheets are necessities masquerading as luxuries.

11. To keep a pair of sexy high heels in your bottom desk drawer, just in case.

12. How to dance cheek to cheek

13. How to keep a secret

14. That nobody changes all that much. But they, and we, can adjust.

15. Never to argue in front of anyone else.

16. How to give a compliment.

17. How to accept one.

18. At least one great tailor or dressmaker.

19. The European equivalents of your sizes.

20. That you can do laundry and post on Free Republic at the same time.

21. Never wear plaid to a job interview.

22. CPR

23. The names of a dozen different flowers ( Mums don't count) and a florist who will deliver them.

24. The name- make that the full name of your grocer, dry cleaner, butcher, babysitter, plumber, the maitre d' at your favorite restaurant, and the kid who mows your lawn.

25. Where you vote.

26. That workouts aren't over till you've done your sit-ups.

27. That a belt fits properly when the buckle prong goes through the third hole.

28. How to play poker

29. The shape of your face, your best feature, and your worst.

30. That your undergarments should never be smaller that your briefest bathing suit.

31. That you should get your hair cut one week before a big day.

32. That you never shop a clearance sale or a discount mall with the attitude " Hey, for $20........" Once clothing is in your closet, the price tags are off. What fits best is all that matters.

33. The only time you are not better off shopping alone is when you are buying eyeglass frames.

34. That button-down-collar oxfords are even more unsexy than flats worn with a cocktail dress.

35. If you are crazy about something and can afford it, buy two. You may never see the likes of it again.

36. If you are indoors ( but not sitting under an open skylight and not during a full eclipse), take off the sunglasses.

37. That if you can smell your own perfume, you're killing everyone else.

38. Breaking in shoes in an old and probably barefoot, wives tale. Shoes should feel comfortable before you hand over that credit card.

39. Solid black is NOT as safe an option as you think. ( Miss Clinton, calling Miss Hillary Clinton)

40 That you don't buy clothes for the weight that you hope to become.

41. That jewelry on the beach is very attractive.....primarily to sharks.

42. Don't fold only sweaters. Fold knit and jersey dresses as well. The wrinkles will steam out in a few minutes.

43. That food is an inappropriate gift to bring to the host of a dinner party. Unless asked, don't even bring dessert. Show up with candy, a book, or something cute but inedible- anything that doesn't belong on the dining table.

44. You should leave the house for a big event- well, maybe ever- without looking in a three sided mirror.

45. That adding sugar can take the saltiness out of a sauce.

46. How to tie a bow tie on a man ( he should know, but he won't)

47. That you should never buy a swimsuit at the last minute.

48. That you are not required to open wine that is brought to your home as a gift that evening- especially if your menu is planned.

49. Even women have to polish their shoes

50.That ice cream can salvage almost any dessert.

51. That talking on a cell phone in a restaurant is as rude as applying makeup at the table.

52. That putting makeup on at the table is as alluring as a man's applying deodorant across from you ( Bathrooms are called powder rooms for a reason)

53. And that asking someone what they do for a living as soon as your meet them is ruder than all of the above.

54. That if you didn't wear it last year, you probably won't this year. SO find a tax-deductable thrift store that pick s up at your house.

55. Contrary to some cocktail- party wisdom, food eaten while standing does have calories.

56. That your father understands you better than you think.

57. That if you dress well, people will think you have a personal life.






THE NEWS

Some security systems are not so smart: "Criminals chopped off the tip of a man's finger in Malaysia to override a high-tech security feature that required his fingerprint to start his luxury car, a report said today. Accountant K Kumaran, 29, was walking towards his 300,000 ringgit ($102,584) S-Class Mercedes Benz in a Kuala Lumpur suburb on Monday when he was knocked down from behind by a car, the New Straits Times reported. "I fell face first and four men armed with parangs (machetes) came out of the car," he was quoted as saying. "They forced me to hand over my car keys and then asked for my car security card (a keyless alarm system needed to start some Mercedes cars)," he said. "I told them that my car did not have a security card but a system which requires my fingerprint. "They forced me to put my finger on the panel and then started the car. They bundled me into the back, between the seats and used my tie to blindfold me," he said. Kumaran was driven to another location where the carjackers asked two other men whether they could bypass the immobiliser system. When they said they could not, Kumaran was stripped naked and ordered to put his left hand on the ground. One of the hijackers then used a machete to chop off the tip of Kumaran's index finger. "I cried out in pain and they pushed me into a drain." After the men used his chopped-off digit to start the car and sped off"


'Ware the undead! "Toni Lausch says when she tried to apply for a car loan, she was rejected because the salesman's computer said she was dead. Then, the IRS wouldn't allow her to file a 2004 income tax return for the same reason. So while money had been withheld from her paychecks, she couldn't file to get a refund. Turns out that because of a typographical error her social security number had been switched with that of a dead person. Lausch says she has received a letter from the Social Security Administration, informing her of her revived status."


Is this the ultimate bungler? "The hunt is on for the turd burglar. Police in San Diego are searching for a gunman who swiped a bag of poop from a woman out walking her dog. The woman told police that she was out walking her dog, Misty, on Monday night when a man in his 20s ran up behind her and grabbed the bag she was holding. When the gunman discovered what was in it, he threw it down in disgust, pointed his gun at the 32-year-old woman and demanded money, San Diego police detective Gary Hassen said. He then aimed his .22-caliber semiautomatic at Misty and pulled the trigger twice but the gun didn't fire, Hassen said. The robber ran to a waiting small, silver car and fled the scene, police said."


(And don't forget your ration of Strange Justice before you go)
posted by bussorah at 6:17 PM

 


Bachelor Defined


One who avoids Bride-Eyed women.

One who believes in Life, Liberty and the Happiness of Pursuit.

One who believes in Wine, Women and So-Long.

One who believes that one can live as cheaply as two.

One who can forget his mistakes.

One who can get into bed from either side.

One who can go fishing anytime, until he gets hooked.

One who can have a girl on his knee without having her on his hands.

One who can leave his socks and wallet lying around the house.

One who can tell his symptoms to his Doctor without having his wife interrupt.

One who can't be Spouse-Broken.

One who can't stand the strain of a wife.

One who cheated some woman out of a divorce.

One who doesn't have to leave the party when he starts having a good time.

One who failed to embrace his opportunities

One who is a free male.

One who is allergic to Wedding cakes.

One who is Foot-Loose and Family-Free.

One who is known as a Dame Dropper.

One who is not missing anything in life except a few buttons on his shirt.

One who knows all the ankles.

One who knows how to hold a woman's hand so that she doesn't get a grip on him.

One who knows if he has a steady girl on the string he may wind up on a leash.

One who knows more about Women than Men. That's why he is a Bachelor.

One who leans toward a woman but not far enough to fall.

One who likes his Girl Friend just the way she is...Single!!!!

One who looks, but does not leap.

One who never chases a woman he couldn't outrun.

One who never knows whom the next kiss is coming from.

One who never makes the same mistake once.

One who never met a girl he couldn't live without.

One who never Mrs. Anything.

One who never says, "I'll Give You A Ring Tomorrow!"

One who plays the game of love and manages to retain his amateur outstanding.

One who prefers ripe tomatoes with little dressing.

One who thinks he is a thing of Beauty and a Boy forever.

One who travels fastest in a parked car.

One who tries to avoid the issue.

One who usually has his hands full trying to loosen a woman's grip.

One who wakes up in the morning with all of the blankets.

One who washes only one set of dishes.

One who when a girl asks him for a Diamond Ring, he turns Stone-Deaf.

One who when he opens the window in his apartment, more dust blows out than in.

One who won't take `Yes' for an answer.






THE NEWS

This cop WAS a pig: "A Florida police officer is being punished for handcuffing and ticketing a doctor who was speeding to deliver a baby. Doctor Anthony Chidiac was driving his motorcycle ten miles over the speed limit last March when he was pulled over in Fort Lauderdale. According to police records, when the doctor said he was on his way to a delivery, the officer replied, "What are you delivering, pizza?" The doctor delivered the baby 15 minutes after he got out of the handcuffs and was ticketed. The officer has agreed to a 16-day unpaid suspension rather than being fired. A citizen board will review the case April eleventh".


Wicked losers: "Prime Minister Ousmane Issoufe Maiga said Mali's soccer team will pay for losing a World Cup qualifying game which sparked rioting, looting and the destruction of monuments in the capital Bamako. "All the consequences of the players' acts will backfire," Maiga said without elaborating on Monday, a day after the match and hours of street violence. The Mali team looked down silently in humiliation when they faced angry government ministers, who berated them during a state television broadcast on Monday night. Government spokesman Ousmane Thiam told them they were "a disappointment" and "did not perform to expectations" after the government had spent African francs 380 million (US$775,500, euro601,100) on their transport and lodging. Earlier, Maiga went on national radio and said his government would work to repair the damage caused by its nation's "unsporting behavior."" (HT PR Seabrook)


(And don't forget your ration of Strange Justice before you go)
posted by bussorah at 5:45 PM