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PHONE HELL

An Australian living in the USA reports:

Hillary Clinton rang me recently. She wanted money. Apart from the fact that I'm not an American citizen, or a voter, I thought I should tell her that there are strict rules about accepting campaign contributions from foreigners. Unfortunately, she didn't seem to be listening. Which wasn't surprising, considering it was a recording.

My mobile phone service provider rang the other day. It was a very pleasant-sounding woman's voice, (they are almost always a woman's voice) reminding me that I hadn't paid the bill. Would I like to pay it now? She would wait for me while I got my credit card details. Just press 1. Yes, I said. "Please enter the last four digits of the primary account holder's social security number," she said. I did. She said she didn't recognise them, please hold while a customer service representative comes on the line. When a man's voice - a real man's voice - came on the line, he asked for my name and account number. I told him that he had rung me, so he should know who I am.

Companies have become very adept at using technology to ring you. But it's a different matter when you ring them. America has become a country of computer voices, of endless, dead-end phone trees and, in the drive for cost reduction, customer service hell. America invented the service economy, then quietly abolished it. Somewhere in the middle of the internet revolution the telephone has become a one-way communications device.

If you happen to get a switchboard operator, they act more like bodyguards than receptionists. As they put you through, they will warn you that the person you want to speak to is not there (this actually means they are there, but won't answer the phone.) Instead, you get the voicemail, which suggests that you can email them. Search the websites of big companies and you will be lucky to find a phone number. The "contact us" menu will give you an email prompt. If there is a number it will be for sales, not customer service. Companies are actively dissuading people from ringing. While waiting for someone to pick up, you get messages such as: "You can access our website to answer most questions."

Phone trees have become so bad that they have spawned a whole new service industry; companies that will negotiate the phone tree for you and ring you back when they get the right person. There are also websites that list the shortcuts to get you to a human being. Companies have become awake to this and change their phone trees regularly. You know the message: "Please listen carefully, as our menu options have changed."

Speech-recognition technology can be valuable; for example, in aiding disabled people. Used properly, it can make things more efficient. But let's face it - its primary purpose is to save money for companies that think talking to their customers is too costly. One study suggested that speaking to a customer was 10 times more expensive than voice-recognition technology. Gethuman.com is a website that rates companies on their telephone service. Only 2 per cent of 500 companies rated got the top rating of an A but 84 per cent got an F, the lowest.

Telephone companies were as bad as everybody else. The top company got a D. Most failed. My phone company is the top-rated one. When you ring, a woman's voice says: "T-mobile. For English, say 'English"'. I say: "English." It starts speaking in Spanish. I say "English." It continues to speak in Spanish. I hang up and ring back. "How can I help you today?" it says the second time around. "You can say anything, from 'How many minutes do I have', to 'Make a payment'. So, briefly, tell me the reasons for your call."

You can say anything, but it probably won't understand. It doesn't understand, for example: "I want to speak to a human being." It could be the Australian accent. I'm working on my Spanish. America has a population of 300 million. But no one is answering the phone.

Original here





THE NEWS

New 'Heidi Fleiss' has stars running: "The little black book of one of Hollywood's most notorious madams has been revealed, containing names of prominent actors, film producers, sporting figures and politicians. Jody "Babydol" Gibson, who boasts of running a stable of 300 high-class prostitutes catering to 1000 wealthy clients across the world, outs more than a dozen celebrities in an explosive tell-all book to be released this week. Among those named are actors Ben Affleck, Mark Wahlberg, Bruce Willis and Gary Busey, Sex Pistols guitarist Steve Jones, film producers Steve Roth, Jon Peters and the late Don Simpson, as well as baseball legend Tom Lasorda and former Texas lieutenant governor Ben Barnes, one of the biggest donors to the Democratic Party. Gibson, who was ultimately sent to prison in 2000 for running her illicit empire, hired another infamous madam-to-the-stars, Heidi Fleiss, as a hooker. Fleiss's own little black book contained the name of the late Australian tycoon Kerry Packer."




Rent a friend: "In the superficial world of online social networking, popularity has become a commodity that is bought and sold. FakeYourSpace.com - a companion service for MySpace, Friendster and Facebook - will from March 1 allow customers to buy attractive "friends" for displaying on their profile pages. "If you are tired of seeing everyone else with the hottest friends and want some hotties of your own, then this is the place for you," reads a brief published on the company's website. Customers are presented with a selection of images of scantily clad men and women, each of which front fake profile pages registered with the popular social networking sites. The sales pitch reads like that of an adult escort service: "We have a wide selection of men and women of all ethnic backgrounds." The profiles are crafted by FakeYourSpace founder Brant Walker and his team, using photographs sourced from modelling agencies. A monthly charge of 99 US cents rents one friend, who will leave the client two comments a week. Customers are even able to choose the exact wording of those comments, which are then displayed prominently on their MySpace, Friendster or Facebook profiles. Walker says this will lead others who stumble across your profile to believe you are more popular than you really are, and are friends with more attractive people."


Naughty Frog: "One of France's most popular and richest television hosts was ordered yesterday to stand trial for battery, sexual assault and disrupting a flight after he admitted "blowing a fuse" aboard an Air France aircraft. Jean-Luc Delarue, 42, had to be strapped to his first-class seat on an overnight flight to Johannesburg after he allegedly insulted three cabin crew, bit one flight attendant and grabbed the breasts and stomach of another. His main show on France 2, the state network, specialises in discussing social and family problems, with Mr Delarue bringing the gentle manner of a doctor to the chair. Witnesses on the February 13 flight also said that Mr Delarue, who faces a maximum five-year prison sentence, harassed and groped members of the Algerian women's football team aboard the aircraft. Mr Delarue, who earns 80,000 a month and is worth an estimated 20 million, was detained at Paris airport on Sunday morning when he returned from South Africa. In nine hours of questioning, he admitted losing control, blaming a mixture of medicines and alcohol."


Full stomach comes at a cost: "A jobless German has been handed a five-month suspended jail term for stealing a buffet for 60 people and eating it with friends. Using a false name, the 46-year-old from the western city of Dortmund ordered the 3700-euro ($4890) feast to be sent to the club house of a garden allotment colony. Shortly after the caterers delivered the food, he called the company to say they had made a mistake and he would return the order. As puzzled club house guests looked on, he loaded the buffet into his car and sped off. The food was never seen again - but the man was later recognised by one of the club house guests, who told the police. "The man said he wanted to treat his friends to something special," Judge Gerhard Breuer said. "I told him his story would make a good movie." As well as receiving a suspended jail term, the man must repay his debt to the caterer, the court ruled."


Teens use lighter to steal petrol in the dark: "Three teens who allegedly tried to steal petrol from a sawmill's fuel shed have been charged with arson after they used a cigarette lighter to see in the dark - and burned the place down. Police said a 19-year-old man, 17-year-old man and a 15-year-old boy were charged after a fire in Mungallala, west of Roma, early yesterday. They said that at 2.30am the trio entered the Mungallala Sawmill on the Warrego Highway and used a lighter to see how much fuel they had taken from a storage shed. The resultant blaze destroyed the fuel shed, sawmill and sawmill equipment and injured one of the teenagers. The three are scheduled to appear in Mitchell Magistrates Court on April 24."



(And don't forget to catch up with all the Strange Justice before you go)


posted by bussorah at 6:05 PM

 


OBSERVANT

In a job interview for policemen the applicants are shown a profile picture of a man, and the interviewer says, "The job that you're applying for requires powers of observation. Make one observation about this man."

The first applicant enters and says, "This man has just one ear."

"Get out!!" screams the interviewer.

The second applicant enters and says, "This man has one ear."

"Get out!!" screams the interviewer again.

Then the third applicant gets up to go in for his interview. The first two guys are out there and they tell him, "The guy that's giving the interview doesn't like to hear that the man in the picture has one ear."

"Thanks for the tip" says the third applicant.

So the third applicant enters, stares at the picture for a while and finally he says, "This man wears contact lenses."

The interviewer is impressed and says, "Excellent observation. Tell me, how could you tell?"

So the guy says, "Well, this man has just one ear, how could he wear glasses?"






THE NEWS

Lonely animal lovers wanted: "Looking for the love of your life? Does your pet put potential partners off? - there is now a website where you can find a partner compatible with your dog, cat, snake or spider. A new Dutch site - www.dier-en-mens.nl - says it is a meeting place for all animal lovers, whether you are looking for a partner, someone who also likes snakes and spiders or someone who takes care of your chickens when you want to go away for the weekend. "How can you find a nice partner who is just as crazy about animals as you are?" Betty Mercey, who launched the dating site called "Animal and Human". Members of the site can describe themselves and their pets, and when they think they have found someone who also likes their pets, they can contact each other through the website."


Italian dating modernized: "A new dating craze sweeping across the land of Casanova suggests that Italian men have lost their appetite for the chase. Thousands have rushed to join the dating service, based on text messages and a number emblazoned on T-shirts, and avoids the pitfalls of fumbled chat-up lines and the risk of a humiliating rejection. It works like this: for 38 Euros you buy a T-shirt, from one of 250 shops, with a nickname and number printed on it, which together form a code - Cayman 232, for example, Emily 14 or Fancy 005. The organisers issue you with a membership card bearing a secret password, enabling you to register online with the scheme's website, www.shyno.com. Next step: you see the girl or boy of your dreams wearing one in the street, on the beach, in the disco. You make a note of the code and send an admiring text or video message to the website, which passes it on to him or her, with your details and your own mobile phone number. The object of your desire can then respond, or not. "If he or she gets in touch, then the rest is up to you," said Mauro Falcinelli, the scheme's Rome representative"


Tourists indulge in aphrodisiac at Chile songfest: "Tourists visiting Chile's picturesque port town of Valparaiso have cleaned the town out of a herbal aphrodisiac called palwen, an indigenous remedy also known as "Mapuche viagra," according to local media. The Internet news service Alfa Chile said tourists and performers visiting the world famous Vina del Mar song festival at the Pacific beach resort have exhausted supplies of the sexual energiser produced by the ethnic Mapuches. The Mapuches from Chile's south are famous for the fierce resistance they put up against Spanish conquistadors in the 16th century. "The Mapuche Viagra increases the desire, the libido and the sexual appetites of men and women," Italo Diaz, a pharmacist at the Mapuche pharmacy Makelawen, told Reuters. "The compound is a Mapuche secret." Enthusiastic tourists have found the price for palwen at 2000 pesos per bottle (about $3.70) irresistible and Diaz is trying desperately to restock.


Western Australia: "Fleeing south from Perth, a refugee from a 42-degree [Celsius] February heatwave, I soon found things were on the up and up. First, there was Coodanup, then there was Yunderup, then Yalgorup, Myalup, Binningup, Boyanup, Wonnerup and Quindalup before finally I wound up in Yallingup. As a first-time visitor to the south-west, I thought it odd that only in this remote corner of the continent did every other place name end with "up" until it was wearily pointed out by a patient resident that "up" in the local Noongar Aboriginal language meant "place of". Well, there I was 265km from Perth in the "Place of Yalling", whatever that meant, with nothing better to do than admire from a limestone cliff top a dazzling vista of the Indian Ocean crashing on to a snow-white beach sandwiched between the Canal Rocks in the distance and the tangled brush of the Leeuwin-Naturaliste National Park at my feet. Welcome to the wonders of the Margaret River wine region. The Leeuwin-Naturaliste National Park is 15,493ha of coastal heath and jarrah, marri and karri forests that support mobs of western grey kangaroos, brush wallabies, possums, bush rats and the occasional rockhopper penguin. It hugs the coast all the way down to Cape Leeuwin with some of the world's best surfing beaches to the west, grass trees and forests in the middle and rolling agricultural land to the east. Caves Rd, which clings to the national park, is the way to go for those eager to discover what Margaret River does best and it doesn't take long to find out... Now the 120km strip, 40km across, that became the Margaret River wine region has 70-odd wineries and although they produce less than three per cent of the national wine output, they are responsible for more than 20 per cent of Australia's premium wines."



(And don't forget to catch up with all the Strange Justice before you go)


posted by bussorah at 3:37 PM

 


You Know You're In Trouble When...

...Your accountant's letter of resignation is postmarked Zurich.

...Your suggestion box starts ticking.

...Your secretary tells you the FBI is on line 1, the DA is on line 2, and CBS is on line 3.

...The simple instructions enclosed aren't.

...People send your wife sympathy cards on your anniversary.

...You see your wife and your girlfriend having lunch together.

...The plumber floats by on your kitchen table.

...You make more than you ever made, owe more than you ever owed, and have less than you've ever had.




THE DANGERS OF IRISH

Two Irishmen walk into a pet shop. Right away they go over to the bird section. Gerry says to Paddy, "Dat's dem". The clerk comes over and asks if he can help them. "Yeah, we'll take four of dem dere birds in dat cage op dere," says Gerry, "Put dem in a peeper bag." The clerk does and the two guys pay for the birds and leave the shop.

They get into Gerry's van and drive until they are high up in the hills and stop at the top of a cliff with a 500-foot drop. "Dis looks loike a grand place, eh?" says Gerry. "Oh, yeh, dis looks good," replies Paddy.

They flip a coin and Gerry wins the toss. "I guess I git to go first, eh Paddy?" says Gerry. He then takes two birds out of the bag, places them on his shoulders and jumps off the cliff.

Paddy watches as his mate drops off the edge and goes straight down for a few seconds followed by a 'SPLAT'. As Paddy looks over the edge of the cliff he shakes his head and says, "Fock dat, dis budgie jumpin' is
too fockin' dangerous for me"

PART TWO

A minute later, Seamus arrives. He too has been to the pet shop and he walks up carrying the familiar 'peeper bag'. He pulls a parrot out of the bag, and then Paddy notices that, in his other hand, Seamus is carrying a gun.

Hi, Paddy. Watch this," Seamus says and launches himself over the edge of the cliff. Paddy watches as half way down, Seamus takes the gun and blows the parrot's head off. Seamus continues to plummet until there is a SPLAT!, as he joins Gerry's remains at the bottom. Paddy shakes his head and says, "An' oim never troyin' dat parrotshooting nider"

PART THREE

A few minutes after Seamus splats himself Sean strolls up. He too has been to the pet shop and he walks up carrying the familiar 'peeper bag'. Instead of a parrot he pulls a chicken out of the bag, and launches himself of the cliff with the usual result. Once more Paddy shakes his head - "Fock me Sean, first der was Gerry wit his budgie jumping, den Seamus parrot shooting and now you blimmin' hen gliding"








THE NEWS

UK: From banks to football, consumers' revolt grows: "For decades British customers tolerated poor service with a resigned attitude and never dared to complain. No more. From high street banks to football stadia, people are exhibiting a steadfast refusal to put up with high prices or shoddy standards. Instead, in their millions and harnessing the power of the internet, they are switching supplier, staying away, signing petitions, engaging in local democracy. In short, they are fighting back. Yesterday the number of people thought to be taking action against the banks over excessive charges for overdrafts or bounced cheques topped one million. The high street banks are forecast to lose at least o50m from this unprecedented consumer revolt, which is gathering pace by the day."


Reading minds: "Deception arises in our brains. The utility of finding a way to look under the hood directly for the source of deception is undeniable. Not surprisingly, a number of researchers have been trying to find correlates in the brain for truth and lies. Using functional magnetic resonance imaging (fMRI), Temple University radiologist Feroze Mohamed says that he has identified 14 regions in the brain that become active when someone is telling a lie. By contrast, only 7 regions are active when subjects are telling the truth. Interestingly, no neural imaging studies have found brain regions that become more active during truth telling (compared with lying). According to British researchers this finding, 'supports the hypothesis that truthfulness comprises a relative baseline in human cognition and communication.' Evidently the researchers have not spent much time in Washington, DC. On the other hand, perhaps Mark Twain was right when he observed, 'If you tell the truth you don't have to remember anything.' A machine that could reliably identify the neural correlates of truth and deception would be the ultimate lie detector."




Beer for toads: "Ken Ritchie never thought he'd see the day a cane toad would be worth its weight in beer - let alone two. But the day has come, with Tom Hedley, Australia's biggest private hotel owner and one of Queensland's richest men, throwing his support behind plans to introduce a beer-for-a-bag-of-toads bounty. "Hell, I'll give them two beers," said Mr Hedley, who also owns and drinks at his favourite watering hole the Red Beret. "As far as I am concerned they're pests and a nuisance to society. If offering a beer for a bag of toads is one way to wipe them out once and for all then I am all for it." The RSPCA welcomed the multi-millionaire's backing, saying the proposal could be modelled on a similar beer-for-a-toad bounty run in the Northern Territory. "How it worked in Darwin is they brought in the toads to the RSPCA to be humanely euthanised and they were then issued a voucher to get a beer - with a daily limit on the number of beers," said RSPCA spokesman Michael Beatty."


Read that fine print: "It pays to check the fine print in your travel insurance, with a staggering 228 per cent rise in rejected claims in the past financial year. Figures from the insurance ombudsman show 16,416 travel claims were knocked back in 2005-06 compared with 5003 the previous year. This equates to almost 10 per cent of all travel claims being rejected. Insurance ombudsman Sam Parrino says lost property and not disclosing pre-existing medical conditions were the two biggest areas of dispute. "Insurance still tends to be a bit of a grudge purchase and people don't pay enough attention to the extent of cover or what they actually need cover for," he says. "There's so many suits on the rack, but not all of them are going to fit you." Mr Parrino says people need to be particularly wary of any limits on the amount or value of property that can be stolen. "There may be a per item limit or a total baggage cover limit," he says. "There may also be conditions on electronic items such as mobile phones or even jewellery, with some policies requiring you to carry these items at all times. You can't claim them if you've left them lying around in your hotel room or in the car."



(And don't forget to catch up with all the Strange Justice before you go)


posted by bussorah at 4:14 PM

 


HISPANIC DRIVER?







THE NEWS

KFC asks for papal approval of new fish sandwich : "KFC, the nation's largest fast-food chicken chain, this week began selling something it's never sold nationally: fish. Its new Fish Snacker sandwich sells for 99 cents and is available at all 5,500 locations across the USA. In an unusual move, President Gregg Dedrick sent a letter to Pope Benedict XVI, asking him to lend his personal seal of approval for the item 'as a way for members of your flock to keep a holy Lenten season.' The Fish Snacker is a filet of 100% Alaskan Pollack topped with tartar sauce and served on a sesame bun. Vatican officials confirmed they received KFC's request, and the company is hopeful to get the pope's blessing this Lenten season. 'People can enjoy the flavor of the new Fish Snacker any day of the week, but we believe it will be especially popular on Fridays,' said James O'Reilly, chief marketing officer for KFC, a part of Yum Brands (YUM)."


"$2.48 in thrift shop buys US icon worth a fortune: "I've always wanted to write a column about some lucky so-and-so who went to a thrift store and bought a $2 item that turned out to be worth six figures. And today is my big chance. Meet Michael Sparks, a Nashville music equipment technician for Soundcheck Nashville. The rolled-up document he happened upon last March, which he paid less than $3 for, is a rare copy of the Declaration of Independence. It might well fetch a quarter-million -- or more. Sparks found the document at the Music City Thrift Shop on Gallatin Road. He thought it was interesting and took it to the store office to ask for a price. The clerk took out a grease pencil and marked $2.48 on a piece of wood attached to the top of the document, and Sparks walked out the door with it."


Court trials for jealous husbands: "MEXICAN men who display extreme jealousy or avoid sex with their wives could be tried in court and punished under a new law. Men who phone their wives every half hour to check up on them, constantly suspect them of infidelity or try to control the way they dress are committing the crime of jealousy, special prosecutor Alicia Elena Perez Duarte told Excelsior newspaper. Those who stop talking to their wives, avoid sex or try to convince suspicious spouses they are "crazy" even if they are caught red-handed having an affair, are guilty of indifference, she said. Men found guilty of jealousy or indifference could face up to five years in prison, the newspaper said. Mexico's individual states will determine the punishments, it said."


Woman killed for hitting dog in Pakistan: "Pakistani police arrested a village landlord and his son for killing a woman who had struck their dog to stop it chasing her chickens, police said. Faizan Elahi died after being struck on the head with a stick after landlord Manzoor Ahmed and his son barged into her house on Thursday and attacked the woman and her family in revenge for beating their dog. "The sad thing is there is no remorse from the accused or his family," said Sheikh Aslam, the Station House Officer at Chata, 45km from Multan, the man city in southern Punjab. "Two other relatives were also injured in the attack," he said by telephone."



(And don't forget to catch up with all the Strange Justice before you go)


posted by bussorah at 2:12 PM

 


THE BIG BRITISH BURNING CHAIR STORY

Two reports below -- for those who "get" British humor:

Office chair set on fire - news that made the world sit up . . .

The Times apologises to readers for failing to report an earth-shattering event in Cumbria last month. Some ne'er-do-well set fire to a chair. We were distracted by lesser events in Iraq and Afghanistan. But when the Westmorland Gazette, the Kendal-based local weekly, posted the story on its website the fate of a piece of office furniture reverberated around the world from New York to Australia. Better late than never, we hereby reproduce the report that drew a record number of comments to the website of an assiduous journal that keeps a hawk-like eye on its patch.

"An office chair was destroyed after it was set on fire on the grassy area off Maude Street, Kendal, this afternoon. Fire crews from Kendal attended along with police. A spokesman for the fire and rescue service said: `A delinquent set fire to an office chair in the middle of a grassy area and it was extinguished using one hose jet'."

That's it. Nothing else. No one hurt, no questions asked in Parliament, and no ministers' heads on the block. George W. didn't threaten to invade the Lake District. But one of the most insignificant events ever to be reported in the Gazette suddenly took wing.

First came the pity. "This really is scraping the barrel. You've got to feel sorry for the journalist who wrote it though. I suppose everybody's got to start somewhere," said the first response on the website. Disdain was rife. "I think it's high time the Westmorland Gazette had something newsworthy to print: perhaps a drowned shopping trolley, or a discarded mint cake," wrote another.

After the comments began to mount into the dozens and tongues became embedded in cheeks Andrew Daniels, the young reporter who happened upon the drama during the daily newsroom drudgery of calls to the local police, posted his own spirited reply. "It takes years of experience to generate so much interest in what at first seemed an innocuous story."

Freed from the gravitational pull of pity, the story took off on a spaceflight to distant galaxies of imagination. "The chair knew the risks. Gang warfare in Kendal is rife, and when you choose a side you gotta be down with risks. This was a declaration by the Standard Lamp Posse of Kendal. No one messes with lamps," said a Lancaster respondent. "If your Government continues to hold our agents of freedom illegally in detention camps, other chairs will meet the same fate as this one." That from an Islamic-sounding respondent in Ireland.

Several messages questioned the chair's legal right to be in the country at all and suggested it needed a work permit. One respondent thought that the Gazettehad missed the real angle of the story: setting fire to an office chair was a contribution to global warming.

Staff at the Gazette are delighted that the dross of local news has provoked a global running joke. "This is not the most crime-ridden or busiest of areas, and it's difficult to get much material from calls to the police and fire brigade," Mike Glover, the editor and publisher, said. "We took the the attitude that local news sells local newspapers. People will have wondered what the fire brigade were doing."

Every story needs a follow-up, and the burning issue prevails: what has happened to the chair's charred remains?

Public outcry

"This story has upset me so much i don't think i'm going to be able to sleep tonight - i work with office chairs very closely on a daily basis and they've always treated me well and to hear stories like this makes me sick to my stomach

Ben Thomas, Dubai

"Another tale of moral decline from our already debauched society. Ergonomic disasters of this magnitude were last seen during the fall of Rome

Adam Candle, Lancaster

"These chairs come here from foreign places and think they can take our bottoms

Laurent Blanc

"The relatives of the chair are claiming it was "friendly fire" and are asking the US Air Force to release their cockpit video evidence

Brian Newbold, Doncaster

"This type of atrocity has only been able to happen since the "Chair In The Community" legislation was passed in the late 1980s. Before that time chairs would have been cared for indoors, not forced to walk the streets

Legislation Required, Westminster

"Was there a racial element to this unprovoked attack? Did this chair have the right to work in this country or was it an illegal immigrant? I think there needs to be some sort of investigation into the wider implications of this attack

Whatever, Cheshire

"(To the tune of the Gilbert O'Sullivan song Claire) Chair. The moment I met you, I swear. I felt as if something, somewhere, had happened to me, which I couldn't see. And then, the moment I met you, again. I knew in my heart that we were friends. It had to be so, it couldn't be no

Gilbert O'Sullivan, Hollywood

Original here





Two Chairs for Democracy

A newspaper has lit up the internet with its report of burnt furniture

Just when you thought there could be no issue more globally alarming than the threat posed by Iran's nuclear ambitions, it appears that an office chair has been set ablaze in broad daylight on a grassy area in the centre of Kendal, Cumbria. Who might have dared to imagine that in 2007 there would be a news story more incendiary even than Britney's newly shaven head? And it's still only February.

As the authorities race to get to the seat of the mystery - the most arresting conflagration since Macaulay's "red glare on Skiddaw roused the burghers of Carlisle" to the approach of the Armada - it has been hard to restrain leading world figures from commenting on the tragedy.

"This is further frightening evidence," sighed Al Gore, "of the havoc that global warming is wreaking on our planet. When even an office chair spontaneously combusts, vanishing like so many Florida ballots, it is a warning to the world."

Eager to clear himself of any suspicion, Dick Cheney, the US Vice-President, admitted to having occasionally shot a nearby office chair by accident while quail hunting, "but I've never set one alight."

The former Vice-President Dan Quayle was similarly keen to remove his name from any list of possible culprits: "Burn it? I can't even spell the word chaire."

Paying homage to the late chair, George Galloway, MP, rushed to salute "its courage, its strength, its indefatigability".

Police, well aware that there is nothing more fundamental in life than that which supports the fundament, have put the region on security alert code "Armrest" and will impose a curfew if the blaze turns out to mark a fresh flaring of the rivalry between the area's two renowned gangs, the Chairs and the Desks.

The late office chair leaves a much loved sidechair and two small stools.

Original here






THE NEWS

5,000-year-old artificial eyeball found: "A 5,000-year-old golden artificial eye that once stared out mesmerisingly from the face of a female soothsayer or priestess in ancient Persia has been unearthed by Iranian and Italian archaeologists. The eyeball - the earliest artificial eye found - would have transfixed those who saw it, convincing them that the woman - thought to have been strikingly tall - had occult powers and could see into the future, archaeologists said. It was found by Mansour Sajjadi, leader of the Iranian team, which has been excavating an ancient necropolis at Shahr-i-Sokhta in the Sistan desert on the Iranian-Afghan border for nine years. Italian archaeologists said yesterday that the prophetess had also been buried with an ornate bronze hand mirror, which she presumably used to check her "startling appearance". They said the eyeball consisted of a half-sphere with a diameter of just over an inch. It was made of a lightweight material thought to be derived from bitumen paste. Its surface was meticulously engraved with a pattern consisting of a central circle for the iris and gold lines "like rays of light".


Police called to stop Welsh oldsters dancing: "Police were called to a charity dance at a village hall after a group of pensioners became enraged at officials interrupting the last dance. More than 80 elderly couples were still on the dance floor when officials turned on the lights because the function had overrun. The secretary of the village hall, near Newport, Gwent, said that he had called the police after being sworn at and threatened by those who wanted to continue dancing. The organisers have been banned from booking events at the hall. Joyce Sawley, 65, who organised the dance, said: "It's ridiculous. We're not yobbos or hooligans." The dance raised 1,700 pounds for a cancer research charity. The chairman said that the hall's licence would have been at risk had the dance been allowed to continue."


Catholic funerals back on the straight and narrow: "Keep it brief and don't mention sex or drunkenness - those are the new rules for delivering a eulogy during a funeral Mass in the Roman Catholic Church in Australia. Cardinal George Pell, the leader of the Catholic Church in Australia, has intervened to ensure the main focus of the funeral Mass remains an act of worship, and has issued guidelines for the conduct of mourners. They place strict limits on eulogies, limiting them to no more than five minutes and allowing just one to be delivered. The guidelines also urge that eulogies be prepared in advance and be vetted by parish priests. Eulogies should, in future, recall the deceased's human qualities, including their faith, and speak honestly and compassionately about their life. It is neither necessary nor desirable that speakers give "a life history of the deceased", and they should omit any embarrassing remarks about romantic conquests, drinking abilities or attacks on the Church's moral teachings."


Another crazy Yugoslav: "A Serbian football player ploughed up his club's pitch with a tractor in revenge for being dropped from the team. Midfielder Slavomir Milnovic, 25, was furious when he found he'd been dropped from local amateur side FC Mramor, near Nis in southern Serbia. He took a tractor from his family's farm and churned up the pitch so no one else could play. Milnovic was arrested and charged with damaging private property after people living nearby heard the tractor and called police."


(And don't forget to catch up with all the Strange Justice before you go)


posted by bussorah at 2:09 PM

 


REALISM

Portable convenience protocol?








THE NEWS



Conservative Australian politicians strut their stuff. Leftists object: "A Queensland Labor MP predicts a wave of tourists will swamp the Gold Coast after conservative leaders in NSW and Victoria [above] were photographed in their "budgie smugglers". [Brief swimming costumes] "One factor sure to drive tourists north to the sunny, warm and inviting Gold Coast is that conservative leaders in New South Wales and Victoria have taken to being photographed in their budgie smugglers," he said.... "The hapless New South Wales and Victorian Liberal leaders, Peter Debnam and Ted Baillieu, have both tried to lift their sagging profiles with the semi-nude shots, emerging James Bond-like from the surf in their Speedos. They have ended up resembling the cast of the movie Calendar Girls."




Karaoke pain: "For some it is an instrument of torture, for millions of others around the world a glorious outlet for unrecognised musical genius. But the world of karaoke has been stricken by a fearful epidemic that threatens to silence Japan's bars and the caterwauling of millions of amateur vocalists. Japanese doctors report a surge in the condition known as "karaoke polyp", a growth on the vocal cords caused by excessive warbling in bars and parlours. Formerly an affliction of middle-aged businessmen, the malady has spread among housewives and young people because of the continuing popularity of karaoke. Ear, nose and throat clinics report a doubling in cases of karaoke polyps and the operation necessary to remove them. A surge of popular songs of especially high pitch, which put excessive strain on the vocal cords, is being blamed for the polyp plague."


Crazy Yugoslavs: "An operation in a Belgrade hospital was disrupted when two surgeons started fighting in the operating theatre. The surgeons stormed out of the room and carried on fighting outside, reports the daily Politika newspaper. Surgeon Spasoje Radulovic was operating when his colleague Dragan Vukanic entered and made a remark that started a quarrel, said the anaesthesiologist on duty. "At one moment Vukanic pulled the ear of the operating doctor, slapped him in the face and walked out," she said. Radulovic followed and an all-out fight ensued, resulting in bruises, a split lip, loose teeth and a fractured finger. The operation was completed successfully by the attending assistant doctor."




The voice that made a dog beg for mercy: "She may possess "the voice of an angel" to her native New Zealanders, but to some of our four-legged friends Hayley Westenra is a pain in the ear. According to her record company, the 19-year-old soprano can sing beyond the range of human hearing, hitting notes that can be heard only by animals. But, unlike the people who have bought more than three million of her albums, the animals appear to be less than impressed. A border terrier called Iggy Pup was the first to react when Westenra went into the studio to make her latest album and began to explore how high she could sing with some vocal gymnastics. The dog, owned by Steve Abbott, the singer's manager, is no stranger to music... This time, however, Iggy was transformed into something wild, as Westenra's vocals soared. "He was going berserk," she said yesterday. "He was picking up on something." Mr Abbott said: "The house is full of music and he comes to the studio. It's never bothered him before. He rarely barks, but he was yelping away. I had to take the dog out." Mark Wilkinson, of Universal, said: "The dog was reacting to something people in the rest of the studio could not hear."


(And don't forget to catch up with all the Strange Justice before you go)


posted by bussorah at 5:10 PM

 


A REVIEW OF A NEW MARMITE -- ONE MADE FROM GUINNESS RESIDUES

Marmite is one of the strong-tasting salty black yeast extracts widely used as a humble sandwich spread in Britain, Australia and some other places. So a new version of it requires something like a wine-tasting. A rather irreverent writer at "The Times" obliges:



You know how it is, most of our time is diligently spent dealing with news of fresh disasters: of the weakness of humankind, of the warming of the earth, of planes falling from the sky. But then once in a while, we lift our rheumy eyes and see that you, dear readers, want something else.

The thing you want, more than anything else, our machines tell us, is Marmite. And not just Marmite, but a special Marmite made out of Guinness that is being made for this year's St Patrick's Day. This week twice as many of you have been searching Times Online for Guinness Marmite (tapped out in frenetic, hungry variations: "Marmite & Guinness", "Guinness and Marmite", Marmiteguinness") as anything else. Next on the list is bird flu. You're crazy.

But don't worry about it. We're going to help. Looking at various short news items and blog entries written about the gimmicky foodstuff since it was posted on the Guinness blog last Friday (300,000 pots are being made at 2.49 pounds a go), we haven't seen anybody who has actually tasted the thing. The closest anyone has come is repeating the makers' claim that "the nonalcoholic spread is said to have a distinctive yet subtle Guinness flavour". Also: rumours about it being "less salty and less meaty than the original".

We're going to do better. We've got a jar off the stuff on our desk, smartly black and white, all Guinness livery, and now in slightly less than hygienic - let alone scientific - conditions, we're going to tell you how it comes across, what to make of "the most unusual innovation in the history of Marmite".

(Disclosure: the news blog eats Marmite regularly, even conscientiously. Preferred state is on a bagel, hot, in the morning. Likes a thin to moderate spread but not averse to the odd, shocking glop. On Guinness: doesn't object but no great hairy fan either. For control reasons, Drew Broomhall, the search editor of Times Online and a Guinness aficionado, has agreed to take part in the test. We have Jacob's Cream crackers, a plastic knife and no butter.)

Texture-wise, there's no sign of anything different here. It's as gluey as ever. The first taste - an orthodox Marmite serving - doesn't yield anything much either, only a slight bittering in the aftertaste. It's when Broomhall takes an indecent dip that things seem to change:
"There, we, ah, in that initial taste it had something malty - is Marmite always malty? - no, this is hoppish, it's definitely hoppish, it's not as beefy. But then, it changes, no, it turns, it's tart. It's almost acrid. It's sour."

After another taste these tasting notes have been shortened to: "Nice start but a terrible finish." Broomhall says he will not be putting on his toast "and if they do something with Stella I won't be trying that either".

We copied Broomhall's example, took a dangerous-size portion and there it was: an unmistakable opening-out, a soft, wide taste, something of Ireland's wide skies, before a brisk, surprising closing down, the onset of something bitter and not-quite nice.

Our tasting attracted the interest of a passing night editor who complained about the absence of butter and crumpets, her favoured Marmite-delivery, but had a go anyway: "At first there was some of that marmitey good and then it went a bit foul." Which pretty well sums it up.

Original here






THE NEWS

Big jam/jelly success for British kid: "A teenager who boosted his pocket money by selling homemade jam has had to move production out of his parents' kitchen after winning a supermarket deal. Fraser Doherty was 14 when he started bubbling up vats of jam from his grandmother's recipe book and selling them to friends and neighbours after school. Within four years he was producing up to 1,000 jars a week from his parents' home in an Edinburgh suburb. Now he is being credited with reinvigorating an old-fashioned market with his imaginative range of products, including kiwi fruit, lime and ginger preserve and lemon marmalade. His contract to produce 120,000 jars for Waitrose, thought to be worth six figures, means that his parents will no longer be asked to label jars and taste new recipes, with production moving to a small factory in Herefordshire. The range, to be called SuperJam, is expected to sell for 1.49 pounds a jar in 130 stores.... Traditional jams are made of up to 80 per cent sugar, but Mr Doherty, whose company is called Doherty's Preserves, has developed a healthy alternative, using grape juice instead of artificial sweeteners or sugar. He said: "I wanted to make jam in as healthy a way as possible. Traditional jam is quite unhealthy. It is boiled in huge pans so it has no nutritional value, whereas my jam is much more healthy."


UK: Bank customers see red over illegal charges: "Britain's biggest banks are facing an unprecedented people's revolt as millions of ordinary customers prepare to claim back illegal charges. Internet-based campaigners plan to use the annual bank profits reporting season, which takes place over the next fortnight, to trigger a massive round of complaints about unauthorised overdraft charges. Martin Lewis, the founder of the campaigning internet site Moneysavingexpert.com, said: 'For years, all the high street banks have routinely ripped off millions of customers and now they are going to pay the penalty.' Thousands of customers have already won compensation since an Office of Fair Trading ruling last April, which caused panic among leading banks. The OFT said penalty charges in the credit card industry were illegal and warned it would investigate almost identical fees levied by banks."


Bank sends girls on blind date: "A top South Korean bank is sending a group of its single female employees on a blind date trip to North Korea, hoping that romance will make them happy at the office. Hana Bank is trying to fix up 20 of its employees between the ages of 29 and 33 with 20 single South Korean men selected by a top matchmaking agency in the country, an official said. "This trip will offer them a chance to easily meet men," said Yang Jae-hyeok in charge of the bank's division offering life services for employees. "As our bank tries to help our employees balance their work and personal lives, we are putting more effort into improving their personal life," Mr Yang said. Hana Bank will pay half the fare for its employees for the two-day trip this weekend to a mountain resort in North Korea run by an affiliate of the South's Hyundai Group, which more than a million South Koreans have already visited."




Deranged kid: "An Australian teenager [above] has been charged with attempted murder in California after a "random" attack on a 91-year-old bedridden man. Police said 18-year-old Joshua Matthew Drougas entered the Mesa Verde Convalescent Centre late on Sunday night and went to the room of a complete stranger - Ted "Teddy Bear" Mastos, who is recovering from pneumonia. He then allegedly covered the sleeping Mr Mastos's face with a pillow. Mr Mastos's wife Shawn told the OC Register newspaper: "[My husband] thought he ... was dreaming, but he realised someone was trying to hurt him, and was able to push him off." Nursing staff heard Mr Mastos, who was described by his wife as being a "strong-willed man" who is "very with it mentally", cry for help. They raced to his room, where they reportedly found Drougas in a "confused" state. It was only after learning that the teenager, who lives nearby, had allegedly tried to smother the elderly man that they detained him and alerted police."



(And don't forget to catch up with all the Strange Justice before you go)


posted by bussorah at 1:42 PM

 


Out of Africa: British traffic wardens take revenge

THEY have spawned splenetic websites, caused councils to fall and driven ordinary citizens to fury. Three are reportedly assaulted in London every day and they also made 1 billion pounds for local government last year. Meet Britain's parking attendants. Stories stick to them as fast as they stick tickets on vehicles. One allegedly ticketed a bus picking up passengers, another a fire engine fighting a fire. Nadhim Zahawi came off his motor scooter in a no-parking zone in central London and, as he lay on the ground with a broken leg, was handed a ticket.

Some of these stories have to be urban myths. The Times has this true one: a parking attendant spotted a delivery van illegally parked as its owner left a rabbit hutch outside a Manchester pet shop. Before he could pounce, the man moved his van. Undeterred, the attendant issued a ticket to the hutch.

Predictably, the tabloids have placed parking attendants in their Hall of Hate, beside welfare cheats, illegal immigrants, Gypsies, the French, the Germans and Heather Mills-McCartney. A recent headline: "Parking warden books hearse at funeral".

It isn't just the cost of a ticket - 100 pounds ($248), reduced to 50 pounds if you pay within two weeks - that drives this new road rage. It is also that there are so many parking wardens. It is common to see two prowling the same 50-metre stretch of street. I have sometimes seen four walking together, though that may be for their own protection.

"Pity the poor immigrant," sang Bob Dylan in the 1960s. Today it might be "Pity the poor parking attendant". Because - alongside issues of urban congestion, councils' need for cash and the outsourcing of council functions to private companies - this is a story about migration. They walk an average of 25 kilometres a day, and earn 5.35 pounds an hour, the minimum wage. Add the abuse, and it is no surprise that nearly all London parking attendants are immigrants, some are asylum seekers and most are African. No one else will do the job.

On Down the Line - a BBC Radio spoof of late-night talkback - a character called Stuart Hill, of Gloucester, phones to complain: "It's ironic - isn't it? - that the once-proud African man, standing on one leg, looking out across the Kalahari Desert, once master of all he surveyed, is now exacting a terrible revenge, after centuries of repression, removed from his homeland and subjugated, is now bringing the white man to his knees by issuing parking tickets willy-nilly."

But the white man is fighting back, not always sportingly. "Go back to f---ing Africa!" I heard a man roar at a female warden last week. More often, though, wardens are attacked for being uneducated and stupid. A former Times editor, Simon Jenkins, wrote last year how one inspected his (valid) permit while he raced into his house to collect a key.

In his 30-second absence a "local mafioso" opened his unlocked car, stole his laptop and vanished under the nose of the warden and a colleague across the street, who "didn't see nothing". In his understandable anger Jenkins - a frequent crusader in his writing against the decline of the English language - found time to deplore the warden's poor grammar. He complained fruitlessly for two days to the police and council before he gave up and bottled his rage into a column: "Genghis Khan could rape and pillage his way across Camden with impunity, but if his yak strayed one inch from a parking bay he would be found swinging from a lamppost with a parking ticket stuffed in his mouth."

No doubt wardens can be officious, over-zealous and often wrong: 56 per cent of challenges to tickets in London were upheld last year. But they are also fall guys for the system. The BBC sent an undercover reporter, Nkem Ifejika, into the Chelsea and Kensington Borough as a parking attendant. The company that ran the council's parking told Ifejika he had to issue 10 tickets a day or fail his probation. He failed. Other wardens have told similar stories.

But the tide is turning. Last year campaigners against parking policy in well-heeled Camden - led by the actor Tom Conti - helped to throw out the council. The new council banned clamping, as has nearby Islington. A PR campaign is under way: if we are all prisoners of parking, perhaps we should learn to love our wardens. Still, it is hard to be fair when a moment too long over coffee can cost 50 pounds. Next time I'm pinged in Pitt Street or crucified in Collins, I'll take a breath, pay up to $155 and consider it a bargain, and thank God I no longer live in London.

(Original report here)






THE NEWS



Broadband crustacean: "Yabbies might be simple creatures with brains the size of peas, but research shows they can tune in to electrical signals under water. This ability, described as "connecting to underwater broadband", helps the Australian freshwater crayfish detect when prey, predators or potential mates are nearby. "The water carries the signals like a wire to your computer, and then the yabby taps into that information and . knows there's something out there," said University of Melbourne marine biologist Blair Patullo. "The fact that the yabby, a very simple creature, has this ability that rivals that of the sophisticated shark or the stingray is quite amazing . and could be giving it the edge that it needs to survive."


Drug hoax: "Internet hoaxes are continuing to fool folks around the world - even when they're not actually hoaxes. Australian artist Justine Cooper currently has an exhibition showing at the Daneyal Mahmood Gallery in New York. The exhibition takes the form of a marketing campaign for a drug, called Havidol, which is a treatment for Dysphoric Social Attention Consumption Deficit Anxiety Disorder (DSACDAD). Both the drug, and the disease (as you may have guessed), were made up by the artist. The exhibition includes fake advertisements and a fake website, and according to a Reuters report, many people believe the campaign is real. "The thing that amazes me is that it has been folded into real Web sites for panic and anxiety disorder. It's been folded into a Web site for depression. It's been folded into hundreds of art blogs," Daneyal Mahmood said. The campaign parodies the way some pharmaceutical manufacturers market their drugs."




Fleshdance in Rio: "Brazil's Carnival has always been a raucous affair but beauty queen Angela Bismarchi [On the right above] took it a step further when her only item of clothing, a small patch of glitter, fell off mid-parade. Bismarchi was the talk of the town on the second and final night of Rio de Janeiro's main Carnival parades, where full nudity is officially banned even though many outfits leave precious little to the imagination. The young woman, queen of the Porto da Pedra samba school, was briefly left entirely naked but for a few feathers and some body paint when her "tapasexo", a tiny piece of material topped with glitter, fell away. But Bismarchi quickly conjured up a thong and carried on dancing, later laughing off the incident with an old Brazilian saying: "A well prepared woman is worth two."


Asbestos hug?? "A woman has won a compensation claim against Britain's Defence Ministry after claiming her cancer was caused by hugging her father, who worked in a naval dockyard when she was a child. Debra Brewer, 47, brought a case for damages against the defence ministry after she developed the asbestos-related condition, mesothelioma. She claimed her only possible contact with the chemical was through her father. A coroner's inquest found that his death last year was from small-cell lung cancer, linked to asbestos. The British Defence Ministry has admitted liability in the case and agreed to pay compensation".



(And don't forget to catch up with all the Strange Justice before you go)


posted by bussorah at 12:54 PM

 


THE ETHICS OF ST. VALENTINE'S DAY

More satirical advice from Britain's "Ethan Greenhart":

Dear Ethan,

I am very much in love with my partner Clarissa, and want to take the opportunity of Valentine's Day to express this to her. But the whole thing seems so materialistic. What should I do?

Roman Ticksaught, Gerrards Cross

Dear Roman,

Many people believe that those of us who love the planet can't love a special someone, too. Nothing could be further from the truth. Sheba and I are still sweethearts after all this time. How I love to gaze on her muddy face across the allotment! Let's just say there's something very earthy about tending the plot.

Love is a wonderful thing. It isn't easy being green and sharing the struggle with another person is a great comfort. Sharing housing space with another person, with the concomitant savings in lighting and heating, is far better than the recent trend to singleton living, too. Nonetheless, we should remember the wise words of Dooley Wilson in that romantic classic Casablanca:

You must remember this
A kiss is just a kiss
A sigh is just a sigh
The fundamental rules apply
As time goes by.

In other words, while we might enjoy a frisson of excitement with a loved one, such things are of little importance compared to the `fundamental rules': the laws of Mother Nature. (The `fundamental rules' are not, as some have foolishly believed, the steps to some materialistic seduction based on chocolate and alcohol.) Therefore, we must put the beaten planet ahead of our beating hearts.

You are right to be critical of the whole Valentine's charade. Firstly, there's the sheer weight of paper involved in producing all those cards. According to the Greetings Card Association in America, a billion cards are sent each year - making it the biggest event in their calendar after Christmas. The loggers must be rubbing their hands together with glee as another forest is hacked down in the interests of what are often fleeting infatuations - or worse, sent by worried mothers to thirtysomethings who can't find someone willing to take them. Remember, many of those cards will be sent anonymously (especially the ones from mothers) making the practice both wasteful and pointless.

Then there are the chocolates. Cocoa sourced from around the planet, mixed with sugar also shipped around the world, with little other purpose than to expand waistlines and rot teeth. And remember the cows that will produce all the milk and cream for those truffles! Sadly, as the milk they produce for the calves long since snatched from their sides is sucked out of them, they will produce waste gases that only accelerate the demise of life on Earth. If you absolutely must buy chocolate, avoid the excessively packaged gift boxes and, above all, choose plain.

(Chocolate, I must confess, seems to have an unsettling effect on women. I came back from the allotment early one day to find Sheba sitting on the sofa. At first, I thought she must be meditating, given the `mmmm' sounds she was making, but it turns out she was consuming an illicit bar of Dairy Milk.)

Which brings us to the much-discussed problem of flowers. I was pleased to see the Liberal Democrats and others grasping the thorny issue of roses being flown around the world. I was less pleased with the intervention of the overseas development minister Hilary Benn yesterday suggesting it would be better to buy flowers from Africa than from Europe, because they did not require heated greenhouses. Surely the right thing to suggest is that we don't need to buy flowers at all! Why is it `romantic' to present a loved one with the carcasses of dead plants? Would you think it equally wise to send Interflora round with a pound of pig's liver? I think not. Why not celebrate life with a packet of seeds instead?

My views about the dangers of alcohol are well known. Importing a lakeful of fizzy wine from northern France, requiring millions of glass bottles that will never be recycled, all to get young girls tipsy and prepare them for sex. Not only is this resource-hungry in itself, but the inevitable pregnancies produce millions more mouths to feed and bodies to clothe. Talking of France, please resist the urge to whisk your beloved off to the `city of love', Paris. Frankly, the combination of champagne distribution and excessive tourism must make France an ecological disaster area each February. 'Je t'aime mais j'aime le monde davantage!`

Why say it with flowers, chocolates or champagne, when you can just say it, Roman? As the good people at Green Futures note: `Maybe the most eco way of expressing your love this Valentine's Day is by spending nothing but time with your loved one. You could write a poem, leave a romantic note, compose a song, or simply turn down the heating and suggest going to bed early.' I couldn't put it better.

(Original here)






THE NEWS

'Slum tourism' stirs controversy: "Ii's the de rigeur stop off for caring foreign dignitaries. It reached a worldwide audience as a backdrop to the British blockbuster The Constant Gardener. Any journalist wanting a quick Africa poverty story can find it there in half an hour. And now at least one travel agency offers tours round Kenya's Kibera slum, one of Africa's largest. "People are getting tired of the Maasai Mara and wildlife. No one is enlightening us about other issues. So I've come up with a new thing - slum tours," enthuses James Asudi, general manager of Kenyan-based Victoria Safaris. But not everyone in Kenya is waxing so lyrical about the trail of one-day visitors treading the rubbish-strewn paths, sampling the sewage smell, and photographing the tin-roof shacks that house 800,000 of the nation's poorest in a Nairobi valley. Indeed, the recent well-meaning visit of UN Secretary-General Ban Ki-moon - coming hard on the heels of other foreign celebrities including even US comedian Chris Rock - drew a stern editorial from Kenya's leading newspaper. "What is this fascination with Kibera among people who do not know what real poverty means?" asked the Daily Nation."


Life in a glasshouse: "A Slovak family has been found living in Rome in a house constructed entirely of glass bottles. The "bottle house" has fitted windows and is furnished, but has no heating or kitchen. Charity volunteers supply meals to the couple and their two children, who came to Italy eight years ago. The city council said that about 2,000 people lived "on the street" and up to 9,000 - many of them illegal immigrants - lived in shacks or tents."


Surgeons' lame excuse: "Surgeons trying to correct the limp of a five-year-old boy in China has apologised after lengthening the wrong leg. They say the mistake was down to the boy being anaesthetised on his back but then operated on while lying on his stomach. Xiangya Second Hospital in Changsha city operated on Miao Mingming whose right leg is shorter than his left. "The doctor suggested surgery to extend the withered tendon, and we agreed. But when Mingming came out of the operating room, I found his left leg was in the cast," complained his father. The hospital has admitted its mistake and promised to take full responsibility, reports Xinhua News. Chief doctor Zhao said: "I am very sorry about what happened. Before the surgery, the patient was lying on his back and received full anaesthesia, and then the surgery was done with the patient lying on his stomach." Now Mingming has to undergo two more operations, one to extend the right leg, the other to shorten the extended left leg."


Britain. Great-granny's sweeteners spark drugs probe: "Police questioned a great-grandmother about drugs after they found artificial sweeteners in her purse.
Former magistrate Marilyn Gordon, 72, from South Shields, was quizzed after officers became suspicious. They were also suspicious about credit card fraud when they found the Sunday school teacher was carrying a card in someone else's name.
Her daughter Fiona Smith, 44, told the Sunday Sun her mother went to the police station after losing her purse while shopping in South Shields. She said: "To her surprise someone had been kind enough to hand it in to lost property - but that was when her trouble began." Officers began to ask her about the white tablets in her purse. Ms Smith added: "My mother told me the police conducted a test on the tablets to see if they were drugs, and apparently, they reckoned it proved positive for cocaine." The police then began to quiz her about the bank card which was not in her name. "She has a card to my savings account because she sometimes makes deposits for me," Ms Smith said. "It was only when she started to insist the white tablets were sweeteners that the police relented and decided to do another test." A spokesman for South Shields police said: "Once the true situation was established, the lady left the police station."



(And don't forget to catch up with all the Strange Justice before you go)


posted by bussorah at 3:05 PM

 


A FITTING MEMORIAL

Bill died, leaving a will that provided $30,000 for an elaborate funeral. As the last of the visitors departed the affair, his wife, Lynne, turned to her oldest friend and said, "Well, I'm sure Bill would be pleased."

"I'm sure you're right," replied Jody, who then lowered her voice and then leaned in close, "How much did this really cost?"

"All of it," said Lynne. "Thirty thousand."

"No!" Jody exclaimed. "I mean, it was very nice, but $30,000?"

Lynne replied, "The funeral was $6,500. I donated $500 to the church. The wake, food and drinks were another $500. The rest went for the Memorial Stone."

Jody computed quickly. "$22,500 for a Memorial Stone? My God, how big is it?"

"Two and a half carats."




SOME KID-TYPE HUMOR

The famous Olympic skier Picabo Street (pronounced Pee-Ka-Boo) is not just an athlete . . . she is now a nurse currently working at the Intensive Care Unit of a large metropolitan hospital. She is not permitted to answer the hospital telephones any longer. It was causing too much confusion whenever she would answer the phone. When the phone rang and she answered she would say

"Hello, Picabo, I.C.U."






THE NEWS





Carnival in Rio: "In a river of beer, to pounding drums, tens of thousands of revelers took carnival to the streets of Rio behind Cordao do Bola Preta, one of Brazil's oldest samba dance squads. Day two of carnival is traditionally free-form, as roving musicians and partiers gathered near the municipal theatre, or cinelandia, in a street celebration of music, dance and sensuality in the run-up to judging, today and tomorrow, of Brazil's best samba schools in the Sambodromo. On Friday, King Momo, Brazil's symbol of carnival's multiple excesses, received the keys to the city, the official kickoff of five days of carnival. Meanwhile, Cordao do Bola Preta, founded in 1918, takes up the slack, with its infectious samba inciting anyone who chooses to dance. "This is the best thing that could ever happen: the street carnival is back in force here in Rio, and will never go away because the people love it," said Thiago, 35, a government worker. The band, whose name translates roughly as "string of eight-balls," was honoured by fans wearing black or wearing black t-shirts with circles painted on them. Elsewhere, spontaneous orgies of music, drinking and dance popped up in various spots around the city, where streets are covered with empty beer containers, confetti and the like.


Frogs croaking: "A familiar noise that was ancient by the time the first dinosaurs evolved is being silenced by a virulent fungus. The croaks and chirps emitted by frogs and their ancestors for up to 300 million years are under threat around the world. Conservationists estimate 170frog species have become extinct in the past two decades, and fear another 1900 are on the way out. Many have been killed off by the deadly chytrid fungus, which is thought to have spread from Africa to every continent except Antarctica. Faced with the advance of the deadly disease, as well as habitat loss, global warming and pollution, frogs and other amphibians are in serious decline. To counter the threat of mass extinction, scientists called yesterday for every zoo, aquarium and botanical garden in the world to rescue at least one species of frog." [How come they haven't blamed it on global warming? This must be a REAL problem]


Italy: Dolphin `dying of a broken heart' after trainer is killed: "When the young dolphin was rescued from the Adriatic Sea, distressed and bruised, she was nurtured back to health by a dedicated trainer who took responsibility for her care. Now the trainer is dead, the victim of a frenzied attack by her neighbour - and the dolphin, apparently, is dying of a broken heart. The extraordinary story of love emerged yesterday as keepers at the Oltremare water park in Riccione appealed for international help to save the life of their dolphin. Tamara Monti, 37, was stabbed to death at her flat in Riccione by Alessandro Doto, 35, who lived next door with his elderly parents. Yesterday keepers at the water park said that they had lost not only "a marvellous trainer" but were also in danger of losing Mary G, the dolphin that Ms Monti had reared and cared for after it was found two years ago in the harbour at Ancona. The dolphin is refusing her daily diet of milk and squid and has lost 50kg (110lb) since Ms Monti's murder. Her weight has fallen to just 160kg (350lb) and she has failed to respond to medication for a gastric infection. Ms Monti's fiance, Robert Gojceta, has taken charge of the dolphin's care but has been unable to revive her."


Brooklyn bridge next? "Two Macedonian men who stole two 30ft bridges have been arrested after they tried to sell them to a scrapyard. Police said Nikodim Bozinovski and David Gorgievski had taken the two 30-foot bridges over the rivers Crna Reka and Rajec down piece by piece. They were caught after a scrapyard dealer got suspicious when 20 trucks loaded with 200 tonnes of steel turned up at his yard. He called police who traced the parts of the bridge and arrested the two men."



(And don't forget to catch up with all the Strange Justice before you go)


posted by bussorah at 12:43 PM

 


The Drinker

(By Arthur Bryant)

I had 12 bottles of whisky in my cellar, and my wife told me to empty the contents of each and every bottle down the sink, or else . . . !

I withdrew the cork from the first bottle, and poured the contents down the sink with the exception of one glass, which I drank. I extracted the cork from the second bottle and I did likewise, with the exception of one glass, which I drank. I withdrew the cork from the third bottle and emptied the whisky down the sink, with the exception of one glass, which I drank.

I pulled the cork from the fourth sink and poured the bottle down the glass, which I drank. I pulled the bottle from the cork of the next and drank one sink out of it, and threw the rest down the glass. I pulled the sink out of the next glass, and poured the cork down the bottle, and drank the glass. I corked the sink with the glass, bottled the drink and drank the pour.

When I had emptied everything, I steadied the house with one hand and counted the bottles, corks, glasses and sinks, which were 29. To make sure I counted them again, and when they came by I had 74, and as the house came by I counted them again and finally had all the houses, bottles, corks, glasses and sinks counted, except one house and one bottle, which I drank.






THE NEWS

Slow British postal service: "A postcard sent from the trenches during World War I by a soldier to his sweetheart at home finally arrived last week - 92 years after he sent it. Private Walter Butler wrote to Amy Hicks in 1915, telling her he was alive and well - but the army-issue postcard never made it to her home in Wiltshire. Mr Butler survived the war, and the couple went on to marry and have children. The postcard turned up in a postal sorting office, which sent it along last week to the post office near Ms Hicks' address, from where it was delivered to the late couple's daughter - 86-year-old grandmother Joyce Hulbert."


Crazy California priorities: "When "Saturday Night Live" wanted an opinion about a proposed bill in California that would outlaw spanking young children, the show turned to an actor playing a short-tempered, cigarette-smoking nanny whose child-rearing skills are summarized in her book, "I Will Beat Yo Ass." Another comedy television show, "The Colbert Report," parodied proposed legislation by a Van Nuys lawmaker that would ban the ubiquitous incandescent light bulbs in favor of compact fluorescent lamps. State legislators say they want to solve the state's health care crisis, address overcrowded prisons and take the next step in shoring up California's aging infrastructure, but the spanking and lightbulb proposals have been hogging the media spotlight. Every year, a legislator or two seems to produce a bill that is widely considered so outside the mainstream of statutory norms that it is widely ridiculed and scorned."




Getting into a shape with a difference: "Two Hungarians puzzled by how certain creatures with shells, like turtles and beetles, are able to self-right have developed a shape with one stable and one unstable point of equilibrium to explain the phenomenon. "Nature has created such shapes but we did not understand why they are this way," said Gabor Domokos of the Budapest University of Technology and Economics (BUTE). "For example if a seed falls it matters which side it lands on, and if I turn a turtle on its back it will care whether it can get back to its feet," the head of BUTE's department of mechanics, materials and structures said on Monday. Domokos and a former student, Peter Varkonyi who is now at Princeton University in the United States, took up the challenge and created a shape they named Gomboc which mimics a turtle's shell. The shape made front page of the journal Mathematical Intelligencer, echoing the splash made by fellow Hungarian Erno Rubik when he created his cube-shaped puzzle in the 1970s."


Big bucks for babies: "Cypriots were advised not to throw caution to the wind on Friday after the island's labour minister proposed a fat cash bonus for families having a third child. Minister Antonis Vassiliou, a gynaecologist, proposed on Thursday a 20,000 Cypriot pound award to parents pumping up falling birth rates, as well as extend maternity leave. But on Friday the government cautioned Cypriots to keep the champagne on ice, saying the proposal was just a proposal. "It's a thought, it's not final," said government spokesperson Christodoulos Pashiardis. "He made a suggestion. If it was by accident, I can't imagine that accident could have spurred the process of families working on a third child from last night." The Cypriot birth rate is 1.4, well below the 2.1 percent required to keep the population stable. In ancient Greek mythology the island was known as the birthplace of Aphrodite, goddess of love. "Now we need to be paid to procreate," said one 44-year-old Cypriot, a father of four. "What I want to know is if it is retroactive."



(And don't forget to catch up with all the Strange Justice before you go)


posted by bussorah at 4:56 PM

 


CLINTON JOKES

Politics is a dirty business, as the American late-night TV host David Letterman reminded viewers recently. "With Hillary Clinton announcing that she's running for president, Republicans are digging up dirt on her. They've already found out she once slept with Bill Clinton."

Rival funny man Jay Leno noted that if Hillary won next year she'd bring the troops home from Iraq. "The troops home? She can't even get Bill to come home." He also reported that Hillary was expected to attract the woman vote. "And, of course, Bill will attract 'the other woman vote'. Between the two of them they should have the female vote locked up."





BREAKFAST

She is in the kitchen preparing to boil eggs for breakfast.

He walks in. She turns and says, "You've got to make love to me -- this very moment."

His eyes light up and he thinks, "This is my lucky day." Not wanting to lose the moment, he embraces her and then gives it his all right there on the kitchen table.

Afterwards she says, "Thanks," and returns to the stove.

More than a little puzzled, he asks, "What was that all about?"

She explains, "The egg timer's broken."







THE NEWS

UK: 6.5 million pound parking gaffe as tickets are cancelled: "Millions of pounds worth of parking fines are to be waived following a legal blunder by one of Scotland's largest councils. Transport executives at Edinburgh council have admitted parking fines totalling around 6.5m have now been cancelled, as the tickets issued by wardens since 1998 were not legally binding. Now executives at the council, which issues 250,000 parking tickets worth 7m each year, are bracing themselves for a potentially severe financial problem as they face up to the possibility of refunding millions of pounds worth of paid fines."


Strange law in Georgia: "Anyone driving on Georgia's roads, particularly through Newnan, needs to be aware that the Newnan Police Department is now enforcing Georgia's window tint law with the help of grants received because of the department's participation in the Governor's Office of Highway Safety. The department was recently given $3,220 worth of Window Tint Meter Inspectors -- 23 of them at $140 a piece -- after requesting the devices at the end of last year, according to Chief Douglas L. 'Buster' Meadows. Officer Chase Freeman already has been using this device to uphold the law, which states that the legal limit for tinting is 32 percent. Violators will be issued a citation, according to Freeman, and pay a $115 fine."


Postal service makes an effort: "A postcard from Poland that was addressed “Khumi, Yellow Door, Wilmslow, England” has arrived at the correct house. Paul Gardiner, a postman in the Cheshire town, said that he and his team at the sorting office knew of only one Khumi in Wilmslow and that her home had a yellow door. “It happens all the time. We always do our best to deliver,” he said. Khumi Burton, who praised the diligent postmen, was sent the card by a friend who had forgotten her address. “She realised it was a long shot and was delighted that it arrived.”


Man attacks shark: "An Eyre Peninsula man is the talk of the town after catching a bronze whaler shark in his hands and wrestling it up onto a jetty. Phillip Kerkhof from Louth Bay was at the local jetty when the 1.3-metre shark began chasing squid lures. He says he climbed down a ladder and began to follow the shark in shallow water. "I just snuck up behind him and eventually I went for the big grab and I fluked it and got him," he said. "He's just thrashing around in the water but then he was starting to turn around and try to bite me and I thought 'well, it's amazing what vodka does'." The only damage from the dangerous species was a bite mark to his jeans. "It's not something I'd recommend to do. When I sobered up I thought about it and I said, 'I'm a bit of an idiot doing it'," Mr Kerkhof said.



(And don't forget to catch up with all the Strange Justice before you go)


posted by bussorah at 10:49 PM

 


HORIZONTAL DANCING OK ONLY

A "modern" Islamic couple, preparing for a religious wedding meets with their Mullah for counseling. The Mullah asks if they have any last questions before they leave.

The man asks, "We realize it's a tradition in Islam for men to dance with men, and women to dance with women. But, at our wedding reception, we'd like your permission to dance together."

"Absolutely not," says the Mullah. "It's immoral. Men and women always dance separately."

"So after the ceremony I can't even dance with my own wife?"

"No," answered the Mullah, "It's forbidden in Islam."

"Well, okay," says the man, "What about sex? Can we finally have sex?"

"Of course!" replies the Mullah, "Allah ho Akbar! Sex is OK within marriage, to have children!"

"What about different positions?" asks the man.

"Allah ho Akbar! No problem," says the Mullah.

"Woman on top?" the man asks.

"Sure," says the Mullah. "Allah ho Akbar. Go for it!"

"Doggy style?"

"Sure! Allah ho Akbar!"

"On the kitchen table?"

"Yes, yes! Allah ho Akbar!"

"Can we do it with all my four wives together on rubber sheets with a bottle of hot oil, a couple of vibrators, leather harnesses, a bucket of honey and a porno video?"

"You may indeed. Allah ho Akbar!"

"Can we do it standing up?"

"No." says the Mullah."

"Why not?" asks the man.

"Because that could lead to dancing."







THE NEWS



Film cleavage splits Chinese: "Black-robed warriors fly through the air and thousands of men clash with spears in spectacular battles in the Chinese blockbuster Curse of the Golden Flower. But the scenes that stood out in moviegoer Jiang Chengkui's mind showed busty women wearing tight low-cut gowns in the costume drama, set in the 9th century. The abundant cleavage was too much for the 32-year-old electronics worker. "I don't feel very good about it," Jiang said after leaving a cinema in this southern city. "There should be age restrictions for the movie." The film has generated public outrage over the overt display of cleavage. It drew further ire yesterday for its bloodthirsty scenes and extravagant sets. A comment piece in Study Times, official weekly journal of the Communist Party's academy for young officials, complained the film would tarnish the image of modern Chinese cinema. "After watching Curse of the Golden Flower, this feeling of nausea just would not go away," the writer said."


German town scraps traffic signs: "A German town has scrapped all its traffic signs as part of an EU backed project to encourage responsible driving. Dutchman Hans Monderman, who is managing the 'shared space' project in the German town of Bohmte, said: 'A rural town should look like a rural town and not like the Nuerburgring racing track.' The town, which has 13,000 inhabitants -- also now has no traffic signs. Monderman added: 'We divide traffic into cars, bikes and pedestrians, and believe that by removing the signs we raise awareness among road users for each other. The less rules there are, the higher the risk of accidents, but also it means drivers take more care.' The only two rules are to drive on the right, and the right-before-left priority at junctions."




Must not see too much of military personnel: "An Air Force drill sergeant who posed nude for Playboy magazine has been removed from active duty, she said Wednesday... Manhart, who appeared in a six-page spread in Playboy's February issue, said she got word Friday that she was removed from "extended active duty" and was also told that she was demoted in rank from staff sergeant to senior airman.... Manhart, a 30-year-old mother of two, said the military's action against her hinged on the fact that she was pictured in the magazine wearing her uniform. She was photographed in uniform yelling and holding weapons under the headline "Tough Love." The following pages showed her partially clothed wearing dog tags while working out, as well as completely nude. After the pictorial hit newsstands in January, Manhart was relieved of her duties pending an investigation."


Dangerous art: "Yesterday I told you about one of our wonderful government school systems here in the Atlanta area. It seems that the local fire officials have ordered the schools to get all of that dangerous children's art work off the walls. The story is that this art work constitutes a fire hazard. The source of combustion? Sorry, I have no idea .. unless it's all those smoking grade school girls. I don't know what's next. Perhaps the fire marshals will come visit your home to make sure all the works of art you have on your walls are fireproof. And just how far are they taking this? One source tells me that they're even having to paint over a mural in one school. Thank God they're protecting our children from those dangerous flammable murals"



(And don't forget to catch up with all the Strange Justice before you go)


posted by bussorah at 12:14 PM

 


BUSINESS WISDOM

Here are (allegedly) some of the finalists from a magazine's contest to come up with the funniest or most asinine real-life memos/quotes from the business world

"As of tomorrow, employees will only be able to access the building using individual security cards. Pictures will be taken next Wednesday, and employees will receive their cards in two weeks." (This was the winning entry, from an employee at Microsoft Corporation in Redmond, WA) Wee! Two weeks off!

"What I need is a list of specific unknown problems we will encounter." (Lykes Lines Shipping)

"E-mail is not to be used to pass on information or data. It should be used only for company business." (Accounting Mgr., Electric Boat Company)

"This project is so important, we can't let things that are more important interfere with it." (Advertising/Mktg. Mgr., UPS)

"Doing it right is no excuse for not meeting the schedule." (R&D Supervisor, Minnesota Mining & Manufacturing/3M Corp.)

"Teamwork is a lot of people doing what I say." (Quote from a marketing executive, Citrix Corporation)

"We know that communication is a problem, but the company is not going to discuss it with the employees." (AT&T Long Lines Division)

"No one will believe you solved this problem in one day! We've been working on it for months. Now, go act busy for a few weeks and I'll let you know when it's time to tell them." (R&D Supervisor, Minnesota Mining & Manufacturing/3M Corp.)






THE NEWS

Germany: Hunter shoots washing machine: "A German hunter hit a washing machine, electric drier and the wall before finally killing a wild pig that was on the rampage in a house. The pig had run into the communal wash room of a house in Ketzerbachtal in Saxony, and started shredding sheets and clothing. Attempts to drive it out of the house failed and hunter Walter Kopinger, 57 was called to kill the animal. Because of the confined space he used a Magnum 357 rather than his rifle but still only managed to hit the animal after several shots."


Drunken driving message finds home in urinal: "State traffic-safety officials are trying an out-of-the-box solution to discourage drunken driving, but they're staying inside the can. A new device will deliver a recorded message to bar and restaurant patrons via talking urinal cakes, which are placed above the drain in urinals to disinfect and deodorize them. The state has ordered 500 of the marketing tools to target men who might be making one last pit stop before getting behind the wheel."


Turning milk into beer: Bilk: "Great news for beer and milk lovers: A liquor shop owner in Japan's largest dairy farming region has stopped crying about local spilled milk and started making beer from it instead. "We came up with the idea after hearing about surplus milk," said Chitoshi Nakahara, head of the Nakahara liquor shop on the northernmost island of Hokkaido. Milk consumption has been declining steadily in Japan, and Hokkaido disposed of nearly 900 tonnes of milk last March due to over-production, according to the Japan Dairy Association. Mr Nakahara's new brew, "Bilk" - a combination of "milk" and "beer" - is about 30 per cent milk. It also contains hops, and the production process does not differ much from that of regular beer, he said. His shop started selling Bilk, which apart from a slight milky scent looks and tastes like ordinary beer, on February 1 after spending about six months developing the product with a local brewer."


Dumb crook: "A man's plans to bail himself out after a drug bust went more than a bit awry over the weekend. With the aid of a drug-sniffing dog, police found 48 grams of cocaine on the 32-year-old man after pulling him over for speeding, police said. The suspect then arranged for his aunt to bring a small safe, which he claimed contained money for his bail. But when his aunt opened the safe in front of a state trooper, they found cash, drug paraphernalia and 16 grams of cocaine, police said."



(And don't forget to catch up with all the Strange Justice before you go)


posted by bussorah at 1:12 PM

 


SENILE DEMENTIA

Jim and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Jim suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there.

Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled Jim out.

When the Head Nurse Director became aware of Edna's heroic act, she immediately ordered Edna to be discharged from the hospital, as she now considered her to be mentally stable.

When she went to tell Edna the news, she said, "Edna, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged. Since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of another patient, I have concluded that your act displays sound mindedness. The bad news is that Jim, the patient you saved, hung himself in the bathroom with his bathrobe belt right after you saved him. I am so sorry, but he's dead."

Edna replied, "He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry." "How soon can I go home?"






THE NEWS

Uncircumcised pupils sent home: "A Kenyan secondary school has sent home 20 boys because they were not circumcised, saying it feared they would be bullied by other students. The new pupils at Kiriani boys' high school in Eastern Province had only been at the school for three days. The pupils were told not to return until they had completed the procedure. "Please do the needful within two weeks and let your son report back to school with you immediately he is well," a letter to parents from the school said. Circumcision is not obligatory for admission to secondary school, but a study released in December said it reduced the risk of contracting HIV/Aids. Circumcision is practised in many, but not all, of Kenya's various ethnic groups".


Deodorant sets off fire alarm: "A group of young German women used so much spray deodorant in the bathroom of a North Sea youth hostel that it set off a fire alarm and brought the local fire brigade rushing to the rescue, police said. "The fumes of the pleasant-smelling deodorant were so intense that they drifted up to the ceiling and set off a fire detector," said Volker Buttgereit of the Buesum police force. Local authorities said they were also surprised the heavy use of deodorant could set off the alarm. "Hopefully the girls will get by with a little less spray next time," said Officer Buttgereit.


Tax-free peep-show: "An Amsterdam judge has ruled that peep shows - where sex workers performing strip shows and explicit acts can be watched from booths - are a form of theatre and club owners are entitled to a hefty tax break. "Admitting customers to peep shows is equivalent to admitting them to a theatre performance," an Amsterdam Appeals Court judge wrote in a ruling late last month and publicised today. "The erotic character of the performance does not diminish that." The national daily De Telegraaf reported that the owner of the peep show, who was not identified, will receive thousands of euros back from the tax service as a result of the ruling. "Working in a peep show is very labour intensive, so it's great if you have to pay less tax," Andre van Dorst of an association of Dutch sex club owners told De Telegraaf. "A judge has ruled for the first time that peep shows are also art forms," he added. "Great. It's the end of years of discussion."


Mixing lyrical with laundry: "Doing the laundry has taken on a new meaning for New Yorkers who can now watch their wash and spin cycles while listening to poetry and prose. Instead of burying their head in a book or heading to the nearest coffee shop to beat the boredom of laundry, New York writer Emily Rubin has organised a series of readings called "Dirty Laundry: Loads of Prose," at laundromats in New York. "Just mixing laundry and writing seemed completely natural to me because truly in life and metaphorically as a writer, everyone has dirty laundry," said the Brooklyn native who started the series last year. She contemplated holding the readings in various neighbourhood venues including shops but said a laundromat seemed "a natural fit". People can wash their dirty laundry while listening to a poem or short story or just attend the readings."



(And don't forget to catch up with all the Strange Justice before you go)


posted by bussorah at 2:28 PM

 


FEMALE LANGUAGE

Fine: - This is the word women use to end an argument when they feel they are right and you need to shut up. Never use "fine" to describe how a woman looks - this will cause you to have one of those arguments.

Five Minutes: - This is half an hour. It is equivalent to the five minutes that your football game is going to last before you take out the trash, so it's an even trade.

Nothing: - This means "something," and you should be on your toes. "Nothing" is usually used to describe the feeling a woman has of wanting to turn you inside out, upside down, and backwards. "Nothing" usually signifies an argument that will last "Five Minutes" and end with "Fine".

Go Ahead: - (With Raised Eyebrows!) This is a dare. One that will result in a woman getting upset over "Nothing" and will end with the word "Fine".

Go Ahead: - (Normal Eyebrows) This means "I give up" or "Do what you want because I don't care". You will get a "Raised Eyebrow Go Ahead" in just a few minutes, followed by "Nothing" and "Fine" and she will talk to you in about "Five Minutes" when she cools off.

Loud Sigh: - This is not actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A "Loud Sigh" means she thinks you are an idiot at that moment, and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you over "Nothing".

Soft Sigh: - Again, not a word, but a non-verbal statement. "Soft Sighs" mean that she is content. Your best bet is to not move or breathe, and she will stay content.

That's Okay: - This is one of the most dangerous statements that a woman can make to a man. "That's Okay" means that she wants to think long and hard before paying you back for whatever it is that you have done. "That's Okay" is often used with the word "Fine" and in conjunction with a "Raised Eyebrow".

Please Do: - This is not a statement, it is an offer. A woman is giving you the chance to come up with whatever excuse or reason you have for doing whatever it is that you have done. You have a fair chance with the truth, so be careful and you shouldn't get a "That's Okay".

Thanks: - A woman is thanking you. Do not faint. Just say "You're welcome".

Thanks A Lot: - This is much different from "Thanks". A woman will say "Thanks A Lot" when she is really ticked off at you. It signifies that you have offended her in some callous way, and will be followed by the "Loud Sigh". Be careful not to ask what is wrong after the "Loud Sigh" as she will only tell you "Nothing".





TRAILER TRASH

You know you're really trailer trash when...

The Halloween pumpkin on your front porch has more teeth than your spouse.

You let your twelve-year-old daughter smoke at the table in front of her kids.

You've been married three times and still have the same in-laws.

You think a woman who is "out of your league" bowls on a different night.

Jack Daniel's makes your list of "Most Admired People."

You think Genitalia is an Italian airline.

You wonder how gas stations keep their restrooms so clean.

Someone in your family died right after saying "Hey, y'all watch this!"

Your Junior / Senior prom had a daycare.

You lit a match in the bathroom and your house exploded right off its wheels.

The bluebook value of your truck goes up and down, depending on how much gas is in it.

Ya' can't git married to yer sweetheart 'cause there's a dang law against it.

You think loading the dishwasher means getting your wife drunk.

Your toilet paper has page numbers on it.






THE NEWS

Trophy mistresses get help from lawyer: "They are doll-like young women who drive sporty red Toyotas, stride through shopping plazas in high heels and go home to smart flats. They are also pretty women who stay at home, put the baby to bed and don delicate lingerie. This is not the modern Chinese wife. She is the trophy mistress, the must-have accoutrement for any successful businessman or enterprising Communist official. So prevalent are they that one Beijing lawyer has set up a website calling for better legal rights for the ernai- or second wives. The site, at 2n88.com, states: "Second wives are people, with human rights." Zheng Baichun did not expect the huge response he has received from women who feel that they have been used or abused by the man who kept them in a manner to which they became accustomed. He said: "Now we are riding a tiger and can't get off. If I don't help then I feel bad because there are so many weak women." A recent survey found that 95 per cent of all officials convicted of corruption in China kept a mistress. In the booming coastal cities of Guangzhou, Zhuhai and Shenzhen, every official who was the subject of an investigation had a mistress."


Lift-off for Chinese space potato : "Entrepreneurs in Shanghai are pushing the city's latest food fad for Valentine's Day - a purple potato grown from seeds taken on a space mission. The sweet potato seeds were part of experiments on China's second manned space mission, Shenzhou VI, last year. The potatoes were then grown on the beaches of southern Hainan Island. Supporters say space-grown produce can be more nutritious and hardier, though sceptics say similar results can be obtained in Earth-bound laboratories. A Shanghai food and drink association invited 30 local chefs to try out a variety of recipes for the Purple Orchid III potato. They included salads appetisers, desserts and even an iced drink, the China Daily newspaper reported. Restaurants have since cashed in on the Valentine's link by offering them in meals for couples eating out to celebrate the day. Purple is promoted as a colour of nobility and romance in China."


Britain: Phone picture led police to burglar: "A burglar was caught by police after he left a picture of himself on a mobile telephone at the scene of the crime. George Burden, 44, dropped his telephone as he made off with a brass coal scuttle, a set of Victorian scales and an oval table from an empty house. It contained a grainy picture taken of himself. Police found the phone and recognised Burden from the image. Richard Sharpe, prosecuting, smiled as he described to a judge at Reading Crown Court how Burden had been discovered. "There was a mobile phone found at the scene and a police officer recognised a photo of the defendant that was on it," he said. Burden told police he had lost his phone and that someone else must have been using it but admitted burglary on the first day of a trial."


Dumb Belgian : "A 37-year-old woman has been killed by a cheetah after sneaking into its cage, an official at the zoo in northern Belgium said. The woman, a regular visitor from Antwerp, was thought to have hidden in the grounds of the Olmen zoo and entered the cage after other visitors left on Sunday evening, local police told the Belga news agency. The woman was a so-called "godmother" to the cheetah under a program at the family-run zoo that allowed regular visitors to participate in the care of animals in the presence of zoo-keepers. Despite the incident, the zoo said that its security was sufficient and that the cheetah would not be destroyed. However, zoo spokesman Jan Libot said that visitors would "no longer be allowed in the future to take pictures near small predators or feed animals."




(And don't forget to catch up with all the Strange Justice before you go)


posted by bussorah at 3:02 PM

 


TWO MEN AND ONE WOMAN

This is an update of an oldie

On a chain of beautiful islands in the middle of nowhere, the following people are stranded:

Two Italian men and one Italian woman; two French men and one French woman; two German men and one German woman; two Greek men and one Greek woman; two English men and one English woman; two Bulgarian men and one Bulgarian woman; two Japanese men and one Japanese woman; two Chinese men and one Chinese woman; two Irish men and one Irish woman; two American men and one American woman.

One month later, on these absolutely stunning deserted islands in the middle of nowhere, the following things have occurred.

One Italian man killed the other Italian man for the Italian woman.

The two French men and the French woman are living happily together in a manage a trois.

The two German men have a strict weekly schedule of alternating visits with the German woman.

The two Greek men are sleeping with each other and the Greek woman is cleaning and cooking for them.

The two English men are waiting for someone to introduce them to the English woman.

The two Bulgarian men took one look at the Bulgarian woman and started swimming to another island.

The two Japanese have faxed Tokyo and are awaiting instructions.

The two Chinese have opened a convenience store, restaurant, laundry, and have gotten the woman pregnant in order to supply employees for their store.

The two Irish men divided the island into north and south and set up a distillery. They do not remember if sex is in the picture because it gets somewhat foggy after a few liters of coconut whiskey. However, they are satisfied because the English aren't having any fun.

The two American men are contemplating suicide, because the American woman will not shut up and complains relentlessly about her body, the true nature of feminism, what the sun is doing to her skin, how she can do anything they can do, the necessity of fulfilment, the equal division of household chores, how sand and palm trees make her look fat, how her last boyfriend respected her opinion and treated her nicer than they do, how her relationship with her mother is the root of all her problems and why didn't they bring a damn cell phone so she could call 911 and get them all rescued off this Godforsaken deserted island in the middle of freaking nowhere so she can get her nails done and go shopping.






THE NEWS

Spaniards not totally to blame for Aztec deaths: "Mexicans have long been taught to blame diseases brought by the Spaniards for wiping out most of their Indian ancestors. But recent research suggests things may not be that simple. While the initial big die-offs are still blamed on the Conquistadors who started arriving in 1519, even more virulent epidemics in 1545 and 1576 may have been caused by a native blood-hemorrhaging fever spread by rats, Mexican researchers say.... The revisionists draw support from one of the only authoritative firsthand accounts of the epidemics, a text lost for hundreds of years until it was found, misfiled, in a Spanish archive. Dr. Francisco Hernandez, a physician to the Spanish king who witnessed the epidemic of 1576 and conducted autopsies, describes a fever that caused heavy bleeding, similar to the hemorrhagic Ebola virus. It raced through the Indian population, killing four out of five people infected, often within a day or two. "Blood flowed from the ears and in many cases blood truly gushed from the nose," he wrote. "Of those with recurring disease, almost none was saved." Harvard-trained epidemiologist Dr. Rodolfo Acuna-Soto, a microbiology professor at Mexico's National Autonomous University, had Hernandez' work translated from the original Latin in 2000. He followed up with research into outbreaks in Mexico's isolated central highlands, where indigenous rats may have spread the disease through urine and droppings. Acuna-Soto's theory - which has been published in several scientific journals, including Emerging Infectious Diseases and the American Journal of Tropical Medicine and Hygiene - runs counter to the belief that most of Mexico's Indian population died of Spanish-imported diseases such as smallpox, to which their bodies had no immunity. "This wasn't smallpox," Acuna-Soto says. "The pathology just does not fit."


More fun for British men -- but at a price: "Viagra is to be sold without a doctor's prescription in a move to make the antiimpotence pill more widely available. Men aged between 30 and 65 who visit one of three branches of Boots in Manchester on or after February 14 will be able to buy four tablets for 50 pounds, if they can satisfy the pharmacist that their medical history, blood pressure and cholesterol and glucose levels are satisfactory. Boots believes that the plan will attract men too bashful to visit their GP for a prescription, even though the normal price for four 50mg tablets is 19.34 pounds. The scheme has been made possible by the Patient Group Directions, a relatively little-used provision in prescribing regulations. They are designed to allow health professionals other than doctors to prescribe medicines for a defined group of people under waivers signed off by local health chiefs."


Sex education in Britain sadly lacking: "Almost one third of adults believe that jumping up and down after sex stops a woman getting pregnant, according to a poll that has uncovered alarming ignorance about the facts of life. The survey, conducted by Gfk NOP for the Family Planning Association, also found that 50 per cent of adults failed accurately to identify a woman's most fertile time of the month, or knew that sperm could live inside the body for seven days. Anne Weyman, chief executive of the FPA, said she was "deeply concerned" by the findings and blamed poor sex education at school, with teachers shying from telling teenagers how easy it was to get pregnant."


Psychic museum closes unexpectedly: "A psychic museum is closing its doors - due to unforeseen circumstances. Astrologer Jonathan Cainer set up the York Psychic Museum in 2003 but business has been less than expected. Mr Cainer told the York Press he had handed over the lease, with the intention of making a return in 2008. He said: "If you are asking me for predictions when exactly it will open up again, then it is hard to say. "Although I'm in the prediction business, I don't believe you can make predictions about things you are close to." Mr Cainer said the museum was only seeing 100 people a week through its doors during peak times and, when he reopens, he would like to see that figure at around 100 a day. Mr Crainer said he had reluctantly concluded the museum would never meet his expectations until he could dedicate more of his own time and energy to it."



(And don't forget to catch up with all the Strange Justice before you go)


posted by bussorah at 6:30 PM

 


REDNECK WISDOM

Well, a couple months back there was this trial in the West Virginia courts. A man was being tried for fornicating with a sheep.

Anyway, the key witness was an old fella who was walking along the highway by the farm where the sheep was raised. The prosecutor asked the witness what he saw. "Well, I was walkin' along, and saw this sheep just'a eatin' grass. And then this fella walks up from behind the sheep, real quiet-like." "And then what?" asked the prosecutor. "Then he unbuckled his belt, and pulled the sheep close." " And what happened after that?" "Well," said the witness, "they sorta shook for a couple of minutes. THEN, afterwards, the sheep turned around... an' licked him!"

Just then one of the members of the jury leaned over to the jury member next to him and said, "You know... a good sheep'll do that."











MUSIC-LOVERS

Two men, sentenced to die in the electric chair on the same day, were led down to the room in which they would meet their maker. The priest had given them last rites, the formal speech had been given by the warden, and a final prayer had been said among the participants. The Warden, turning to the first man, solemnly asked, "Son, do you have a last request?"

To which the man replied, "Yes sir, I do. I love dance music. Could you please play The Macarena for me one last time?" "Certainly," replied the warden. He turned to the other man and asked, "Well, what about you, son? What is your final request?"

"Please," said the condemned man, "kill me first."






THE NEWS

It's a dangerous life working at Britain's headquarters of health and safety: "They are the leaders of the health and safety revolution, preaching a gospel of slip-free surfaces, sensible chairs, secure hinges and signs alerting people to any accident black-spot around the workplace. But the inspectors of the Health and Safety Executive, and the offices in which they work, appear to attract mishaps and slip-ups with unnerving regularity. Falling lavatory-roll dispensers, flea bites and ill-fitting safety shoes were among hundreds of incidents involving the organisation's 3,500 employees. One minor injury was also reported after someone walked into a warning sign. According to data released to The Times under the Freedom of Information Act, there were more than 500 accidents and injuries in a 3« year period. The rate equates to one incident almost every two working days and far exceeds sectors such as heavy industry, farming and vehicle repairs. Inspectors were injured 96 times between April 2003 and September last year. There were a further 415 injuries on the executive's premises, 72 of which were to visitors."


Brain breakthrough 'can read intentions': "Scientists have developed a technique which enables them to "read" a person's brain and predict their intentions. By studying changes in brain activity, it is now thought possible to identify how a person is going to act before they do so. The breakthrough could have huge implications for brain-stimulated devices used by people suffering from paralysis. In the study, volunteers were asked to decide whether to add or subtract two numbers but told not to reveal what they were going to do. Using complex computer programs and sophisticated imaging of the brain, scientists were able to identify what each person was going to do with 70% accuracy. The research was led by Dr John-Dylan Haynes, from the Max Planck Institute for Human Cognitive and Brain Sciences in Germany, working with researchers in London and Tokyo. The results were published in the online edition of Current Biology."


Grow your own breast implants: "British women may be offered a "natural" form of breast enlargement that uses stem cells and fat from a woman's own body, under plans being considered by doctors. The technique, pioneered in Japan, results in breasts that look and feel smoother than conventional cosmetic surgery using implants. This is because the stem cells enable the fat to grow its own blood supply, thus becoming an integral part of the breast rather than a foreign lump. Stem cells have the potential to change into any cells in the body. They are found in most tissues, especially fat. Dozens of women in Japan have received the breast enlargements during trials. Last week German medical authorities gave approval to the process. Under Brussels rules, this means that the procedure is now legal throughout the European Union, including Britain. Doctors here said last week they found the technique "appealing". The technique's long-term effectiveness without side-effects still needs further tests, but doctors are already enthusiastic."


L'amour is...an older woman: "Forget about yesterday's sirens. The anorexic catwalk models and sultry young actresses once feted as icons of beauty are being replaced as France's feminine idols by women in their fifties and sixties. The French have long been associated with a fascination for the "superior vintage" but are taking that obsession to new extremes with a series of magazine spreads and advertising campaigns featuring women over 50 in seductive poses and without many - or in some cases any - clothes on. Segolene Royal, the glamorous 53-year-old Socialist presidential candidate, may have set the tone last summer when she was photographed on a beach in her bikini, but she has been outdone by Arielle Dombasle, the actress, chanteuse and general sex kitten. Her marriage to Bernard-Henri Levy, France's most famous living philosopher, gives her a fig leaf of respectability, but last week's Paris Match featured her wearing nothing but silvery knickers under the headline "Arielle Dombasle naked". She was hailed on a recent tour of America to promote her new record as a Gallic fusion of Edith Piaf and Brigitte Bardot, but at home she was being celebrated less for her perfect pitch than her plastique parfaite. Not bad for a woman of 53."



(And don't forget to catch up with all the Strange Justice before you go)


posted by bussorah at 4:12 PM

 


This is what European citizens want:

Swiss salary.
Luxembourg taxes.
German car.
British home.
Spanish girls.
French wine.
Italian food.
Czech beer.
Austrian mountains.
Danish administration.

And this is what EU bureaucracy is likely to give them

Czech salary.
Swedish taxes.
Spanish car.
Greek home.
German girls.
Irish wine.
British food.
French beer.
Dutch mountains.
Italian administration.

(H/T Lubos Motl)












THE NEWS

Ohio nurse sent to prison for molesting patients under anesthesia : "A former registered nurse pleaded guilty to charges accusing him of fondling two surgical patients while they were under anesthesia at Ohio State University Medical Center. John W. Smiley, 34, was sentenced Wednesday to four years and 11 months in prison on one count of gross sexual imposition and one count of attempted gross sexual imposition. Franklin County Common Pleas Judge Charles Schneider labeled Smiley a sexually oriented offender, meaning after his release he must provide authorities with his address for 10 years. Smiley, who was working as a contract nurse at OSU, also agreed to the permanent revocation of his nursing license and to psychological counseling. The case prompted Ohio State to require criminal background checks on all nursing candidates, including temporary hires."


UK: Speed camera, road tax offices bombed: "Fears grew today that a motorist is conducting a letter bomb campaign after the second explosion within 24 hours at firms involved with speed cameras and the congestion charge. ... The attack follows an explosion yesterday in the Westminster postroom of Capita, which operates the congestion charge. The devices seem to have been designed to injure but not kill victims."


Columbia: Captive chained to tree for four years: "Army captain Leonardo Nur Rangel, rescued after a harrowing four years in captivity, said he slept chained to a tree and was walked like a dog with a rope tied to his neck. Nur, 35, also told reporters he carved his name and rank on his body so that if he were killed, as he expected, he might be identified. He carved the information all over his body, in case rebels severed an arm or leg. "I did not want to die anonymously," he said. Snatched on a highway in southern Colombia May 24, 2003, Nur was rescued in an army raid on a rebel camp on Thursday in a rural area between Choco and Valle del Cauca provinces. The army first accused the pro-Cuban National Liberation Army of the kidnapping. The group denied responsibility. Now the military says that a radical offshoot of the ELN, the Guevarist Revolutionary Army, was behind the incident."


McDonald's makes better coffee than Starbucks! "In the ultimate coffee smackdown, it was yuppie Starbucks vs. Ronald McDonald. And the clown won. Consumer Reports magazine said today that in a test conducted at two locations of each emporium, its tasters found McDonald's coffee to be 'decent and moderately strong' with 'no flaws.' On the other hand, the Starbucks brew 'was strong, but burnt and bitter enough to make your eyes water instead of open.'"



(And don't forget to catch up with all the Strange Justice before you go)


posted by bussorah at 4:07 PM

 


SOME MARRIAGE WISDOM

When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her. - Sacha Guitry

After marriage, husband and wife become two sides of a coin; they just can't face each other, but still they stay together. - Hemant Joshi

By all means marry. If you get a good wife, you'll be happy. If you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher. - Socrates

Woman inspires us to great things, and prevents us from achieving them. - Dumas

The great question... which I have not been able to answer... is, "What does a woman want? - Sigmund Freud

I had some words with my wife, and she had some paragraphs with me. Anonymous

"Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays." - Henry Youngman

"I don't worry about terrorism. I was married for two years." - Sam Kinison

"There's a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic banking. It's called marriage." - James Holt McGavran

"I've had bad luck with both my wives. The first one left me and the second one didn't." - Patrick Murray

Two secrets to keep your marriage brimming 1. Whenever you're wrong, admit it, 2. Whenever you're right, shut up. - Nash

The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once... - Anonymous

You know what I did before I married? Anything I wanted to. - Henny Youngman

My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met. - Rodney Dangerfield

A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong. - Milton Berle

Marriage is the only war where one sleeps with the enemy. Anonymous

A man inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: "Wife wanted". Next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can have mine." - Anonymous

First Guy (proudly): "My wife's an angel!" Second Guy "You're lucky, mine's still alive."







THE NEWS

That which makes us clever, make us mad: "One of the most devastating types of mental illness could be a by-product of the evolution of human beings' uniquely sophisticated intelligence, a new genetic study has suggested. Scientists have discovered that a common version of a particular gene appears both to enhance a key thinking circuit in the brain, and to be linked to a raised risk of schizophrenia. The findings, from a study by the US National Institute of Mental Health (NIMH), provide fresh evidence for the theory that schizophrenia is the price that some people pay for our species's peculiarly advanced intellectual abilities. The research hints that some of the genetic factors that underpin the human brain's cognitive capacities can also go wrong to leave a sizeable minority prone to mental illness."


Luxury throne a 'bathroom dream': "A US plumbing firm has created a luxury toilet equipped with laptop computer and flat-screen TV which it plans to give away in an online sweepstake. Ohio-based Roto-Rooter says its "Pimped Out John" is designed to "fulfill all your wildest bathroom dreams." Special features include an iPod music player and speakers, an Xbox video game console, a refrigerator filled with drinks and snacks and a cycling exercise machine. "The bathroom is the perfect place for your very own throne. It shouldn't always be regarded as the room of last resort," Roto-Rooter vice president of marketing Steven Pollyea said."


Canarys can Carnival: "A Spanish court on Thursday cancelled Carnival celebrations in the Canary Islands city of Santa Cruz de Tenerife - one of the biggest in the world - because they are too noisy. The court awarded an injunction halting the celebrations after a group of citizens complained the festivities violated their human rights, State radio reported. Carnival is celebrated in every town and village on the island of Tenerife but the most spectacular celebrations are in Santa Cruz and Puerto de la Cruz. The festivities include parades, dancing, music and fireworks and come to a climax with the famous "burial of the sardine." In Santa Cruz, an enormous sardine sitting on a throne is carried through the streets on a float, followed by an entourage of mourners, pregnant men and widows in floods of tears amid general hysteria.




Private submarine: "The world's first consumer submarine will allow novice sailors to explore the underwater world - for the same price as a sportscar. Ocean enthusiasts can now live out their childhood fantasies by investing in one of the miniature submarines, which can dive to 50 metres (164ft). The one and two-man C-Quester craft can cruise beneath the waves for 2« hours, or a further 36 hours in the event of an emergency. Priced from 65,000 pounds - the same price as a Porsche 911 - they are tipped to be the next must-have for wealthy thrill seekers. However, a four-day training course and an underwater pilot's licence is essential before you can use a Dutch-built C-Quester below the surface. The 9ft-long, single-seat C-Quester 1 can travel at up to three knots above or below the surface using its three electric thrusters. The larger, 11ft two-man C-Quester 2 can reach speeds of up to four knots.



(And don't forget to catch up with all the Strange Justice before you go)


posted by bussorah at 4:56 PM

 


GROUCHES FROM A SERGEANT IN IRAQ

I am tired of Democrats saying they are patriotic and then insulting my commander in chief and the way he goes about his job. I am tired of Democrats who tell me they support me, the soldier on the ground, and then tell me the best plan to win this war is with a "phased redeployment" (liberal-speak for retreat) out of the combat zone to someplace like Okinawa. I am tired of the Democrats whining for months on T.V., in the New York Times, and in the House and Senate that we need more troops to win the war in Iraq, and then when my Commander in Chief plans to do just that, they say that is the wrong plan, it won't work, and we need a "new direction."

- I am tired of every Battalion Sergeant Major and Command Sergeant Major I see over here being more concerned about whether or not I am wearing my uniform in the "spot on," most garrison-like manner; instead of asking me whether or not I am getting the equipment I need to win the fight, the support I need from my chain of command, or if the chow tastes good.

- I am tired of junior and senior officers continually doubting the technical expertise of junior enlisted soldiers who are trained far better to do the jobs they are trained for than these officers believe.

- I am tired of senior officers and commanders who fight this war with more of an eye on the media than on the enemy, who desperately needs killing.

- I am tired of the decisions of Sergeants and Privates made in the heat of battle being scrutinized by lawyers who were not there and will never really know the state of mind of the young soldiers who were there and what is asked of them in order to survive.

- I am tired of CNN claiming that they are showing "news," with videotape sent to them by terrorists, of my comrades being shot at by snipers, but refusing to show what happens when we build a school, pave a road, hand out food and water to children, or open a water treatment plant.

- I am tired of following the enemy with drones that have cameras, and then dropping bombs that sometimes kill civilians; because we could do a better job of killing the right people by sending a man with a high powered rifle instead.

- I am tired of the thousands of people in the rear who claim that they are working hard to support me when I see them with their mochas and their PX Bags walking down the street, in the middle of the day, nowhere near their workspaces.

- I am tired of hearing multiple stories from both combat theaters about snipers begging to do their jobs while commanders worry about how the media might portray the possible casualties and what might happen to their career.

- I am tired of hearing that the Battalion Tactical Operations Center got a new plasma screen monitor for daily briefings, but rifle scope rings for sniper rifles, extra magazines, and necessary field gear were disapproved by the unit supply system.

- I am tired of out of touch general officers, senators, congressmen and defense officials who think that giving me some more heavy body armor to wear is helping me stay alive. Speed is life in combat and wearing 55 to 90 pounds of gear for 12 to 20 hours a day puts me at a great tactical disadvantage to the idiot, mindless terrorist who is wearing no armor at all and carrying an AK-47 and a pistol.

- I am tired of soldiers who are stationed in places like Kuwait and who are well away from any actual combat getting Hostile Fire/Imminent Danger Pay and the Combat Zone Tax Exclusion when they live on a base that has a McDonald's, a Pizza Hut, a Subway, a Baskin Robbins, an internet cafe, 2 coffee shops and street lights.

- I am tired of senior officers and commanders who take it out and "measure" every time they want to have a piece of the action with their helicopters or their artillery; instead of putting their egos aside and using their equipment to support the grunt on the ground.

- I am tired of senior officers and commanders who are too afraid for their careers to tell the truth about what they need to win this war to their bosses so that the soldiers can get on with kicking the ass of these animals.

- I am tired of Rules of Engagement being made by JAG lawyers and not Combat Commanders. We are not playing Hopscotch over here. There is no 2nd place trophy either. I think that if the enemy knew some rough treatment and some deprivation was at hand for them, instead of prayer rugs, special diets and free Korans; this might help get their terrorist minds "right."

- I am tired of seeing Active Duty Army and Marine units being extended past their original redeployment dates, when there are National Guard Units that have yet to deploy to a combat zone in the last 40 years.

- I am tired of hearing soldiers who are stationed in safe places talk about how hard their life is.

- I am tired of seeing Infantry Soldiers conducting what amounts to "SWAT" raids and performing the US Army's version of "CSI Iraq" and doing things like filling out forms for evidence when they could be better used to hunt and kill the enemy.

- I am tired of senior officers and commanders who look first in their planning for how many casualties we might take, instead of how many enemy casualties we might inflict. I am tired of begging to be turned loose so that this war can be over.

Those of us who fight this war want to win it and go home to their families. Prolonging it with attempts to do things like collect "evidence" or present whiz bang briefings on a new plasma screen TV is wasteful and ultimately, dulls the edge of our Infantry soldiers who are trained to kill people and break things, not necessarily in that order. We are not in Iraq and Afghanistan to build nations. We are there to kill our enemies. We make the work of the State Department easier by the results we achieve. It is only possible to defeat an enemy who kills indiscriminately by utterly destroying him. He cannot be made to yield or surrender. He will fight to the death by the hundreds to kill only one or two of us. And so far, all of our "games" have been "away games," and I don't know about the ignorant, treasonous Democrats and the completely insane radical leftists and their thoughts on the matter, but I would like to keep our road game schedule. So let's get it done. Until the fight is won and there is no more fight left.

(Original here)







THE NEWS



Man bites dog, dog bites man: "Police dog Edge has proven his bite is worse than his bark after returning the favour when an armed robbery suspect sunk his teeth into the dog. A robbery suspect in New Zealand has come off second best after biting a police dog that had him cornered. The german shepherd, named Edge, cornered two men suspected of earlier holding up a mini-mart at Napier on Tuesday. The Dominion Post said one of the men attacked Edge, sinking his teeth into the dog. But the dog bit back. As Detective Sergeant John McGregor put it later: "The dog did win the fight." Edge last year had life-saving surgery after being stabbed in a frenzied attack by an armed robber. The two suspects were charged with aggravated burglary and appeared in court yesterday."


Clothes are 'better than sex': "For most women, the choice between sex and a new wardrobe is simple - they go for the clothes. Women on average say they would be willing to give up sex for 15 months for a closet full of new apparel, with 2 per cent ready to abstain from sex for three years in exchange for new duds, according to a new survey of about 1000 women in 10 US cities. Sixty-one per cent of women polled said it would be worse to lose their favorite article of clothing than give up sex for a month. "Some people say clothes make the man, but the right clothes can even replace him," fashion designer, stylist and TV personality Carson Kressley from the reality TV show Queer Eye for the Straight Guy said in a statement accompanying the poll. The study also suggested that clothes often wear better than relationships."


A clever con-woman or a dumb teller?: "Police are searching for a woman who left a Wells Fargo bank with $5,000 last week after claiming she needed the money because she was being held hostage. Police have not yet been able to identify the woman or confirm her claim, said spokesman Lt. David Farmer. Until they are able to get more information, they are treating the incident as a robbery and the woman as a suspect, he said. About 3:20 p.m. Wednesday, the woman walked into a branch bank in Raley's at 1601 West Capitol Ave., and asked a teller for a pen and paper, Farmer said. She wrote: "Please help me! There are two guys in a white car outside and they are holding me hostage. I need you to give me $5,000.00 and when I leave, call the police." The teller pressed her silent alarm and gave her the $5,000. The woman left, but no car was seen, police said."


Australia: Goofy Google doesn't even know where its own building is: "For most people, the journey from the Shelbourne Hotel at 200 Sussex Street to Google's Sydney headquarters across the road at 201 Sussex Street would be a 30-step, 30-second trip. But according to Google's new mapping service, the recommended route would see you take a 10.4-kilometre scenic detour that involves crossing the Harbour Bridge twice. Google calculates that this route would entail an off-peak travel time of 18 minutes. It doesn't tell you that you'd also be up for a $3 bridge toll. Google Maps Australia, which was launched on Tuesday as a fully functional mapping and search service, purports to offer directions between any two addresses. But in a quirk, all driving directions queried from points east, south and west of Google's headquarters will suggest the same cross harbour detour - one that involves using the tunnel or the bridge, driving up to Falcon Street in Crows Nest before coming back down across the bridge.... The reason for the wayward directions is that Google Maps incorrectly locates 201 Sussex Street on the Western Distributor, one street south of where it should be."



(And don't forget to catch up with all the Strange Justice before you go)


posted by bussorah at 1:22 PM

 


CLEMENT FREUD

Sir Clement Freud (grandson of Sigmund) is best known as a British TV personality and food writer. He is also a great wit. Even his Wikipedia entry has its lighter side. He moves in British upper-class circles, however, so people outside that circle may not get all the jokes. I reproduce initially below two small but very accurate comments from him. Being of German Jewish origin, he can to a degree see Britain from an outsider's perspective -- and he is amused by what he sees.

To understand the first two comments below fully, you may have to know that Boodle's is a famous London gentleman's club (named, with typical English eccentricity, after its first head-waiter) and that the rights to fish on a particular stretch of river are often privately-owned -- so to get to fish there you have to be invited.

1). The depressing thing about an Englishman's traditional love of animals is the dishonesty thereof ... Get a barbed hook into the upper lip of a salmon, drag him endlessly around the water until he loses his strength, pull him to the bank, hit him on the head with a stone, and you may well become fisherman of the year. Shoot the salmon and you'll never be asked again.

2). About one thing the Englishman has a particularly strict code. If a bird says Cluk bik bik bik bik and caw you may kill it, eat it or ask Fortnums to pickle it in Napoleon brandy with wild strawberries. If it says tweet it is a dear and precious friend and you'd better lay off it if you want to remain a member of Boodles.

3). Oysters are considered to be an aphrodisiac. Not true. A few weeks ago I had twelve and only eight of them worked.

4). Have you heard of the dyslexic atheist who tried all his life to prove that Dog doesn't exist?




CHINGLISH

The Chinese version of English. Just two examples below











THE NEWS

Father poisoned soup, blamed Campbells: "An American father of two has pleaded guilty to poisoning his children in an attempt to extort Campbell Soup Company. William Allen Cunningham, now 41, fed his then-three years old son and 18 months old daughter Campbell's soup to which he added substances such as lighter fluid and tranquilisers, which led to the children being admitted to hospital. He was arrested in July and, to avoid trial, pleaded guilty to making false statements, meaning he will face a maximum of five years in prison when he is sentenced in April. "The defendant pleaded guilty today to committing a terrible crime," US prosecutor David Nahmias said. "He admitted that he put potentially life-threatening foreign substances into soup which he fed to his two young children and then placed a call to Campbell Soup Company falsely claiming that the soup had been contaminated. "It is tragic that a parent would intentionally harm his own children in an attempt to reap a financial gain," Mr Nahmias said. Mr Nahmias said prosecutors intended to ensure Mr Cunningham would serve a significant prison sentence without possibility of parole."


Tacky lady for posh occasion: "Paris is taking Vienna by storm. Hotel heiress and celebutante Paris Hilton is on the guest list for next week's elegant Opera Ball, the society event of the season, and her impending visit is the talk of the town - for all the wrong reasons. ... "This makes a farce of the Opera Ball," sniffed Barbara Kroth, a retired real estate agent who said she always looks forward to the annual affair at the 137-year-old State Opera House "because of the quality it represents." Hilton is not the first celebrity whose presence at the poshest of balls has caused a stir. Her ball date - 74-year-old married construction magnate Richard Lugner, who each year invites a famous actress, musician or other personality - in the past has brought "Baywatch" stars Pamela Anderson and Carmen Electra and former Spice Girl Geri Halliwell.... Since Lugner announced that Hilton would be his 2007 date, Austrian media have followed her every move, including another judge's January 22 decision to fine her and place her on 36 months' probation after she entered a no-contest plea to the alcohol-related reckless driving charge.... The Opera Ball, which is broadcast live on national television, draws about 4,500 well-heeled Austrian and foreign celebrities, dignitaries and socialites."


Switched at birth but must remain Muslim: "A Chinese Malaysian who was given to a Malay Muslim couple in a mix-up at the hospital where he was born is risking a prison sentence for renouncing Islam after a chance reunion with his real family. Eight years after learning his true identity Zulhaidi Omar wants to adopt the religion of his natural parents: Buddhism. But he is still officially a Malay which means he must, by law, be a Muslim. To convert to another faith would mean committing the grave crime of apostasy. Apart from the pain and confusion inflicted on the two families, the case now threatens to get tangled up in Malaysia's sensitive religious politics. Throughout his childhood Mr Omar felt himself completely different from everyone around him. His parents and siblings had dark features while he was pale. He was teased at school for his Chinese eyes. Then one day in 1998, when he was 21, he noticed a Chinese woman staring at him in the supermarket where he worked. She returned several times and then brought an elderly couple into the shop. They also looked him over intently before mustering the courage to talk to him. The couple were convinced that he was their son and persuaded him to take DNA tests that proved the remarkable truth."


Belgian prison turns away escaped convict: "An escaped convict tried to give himself up - but was turned away from prison because he had no identity card. Hakim Ghazouani, 24, had escaped from prison in Ghent, after a visit to the doctor last month. Police issued national warnings about Ghazouani who was in jail for robbery and drug dealing. His solicitor, Nathalie Buisseret, persuaded him to turn himself in and accompanied him to a prison at Verviers. But she said: "There we found he was denied access because he couldn't show his identity card. The warden told the man to come back later with his papers, which he did." Verviers Prison director Pierre Detilloux said: "We never had seen the man before and we couldn't identify him. It would have been a scandal if we locked up the wrong person."



(And don't forget to catch up with all the Strange Justice before you go)


posted by bussorah at 4:11 PM

 


SOME AUSTRALIAN HUMOR

From QANTAS, the Australian international airline

After every flight, Qantas pilots fill out a form, called a "gripe sheet," which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics correct the problems, document their repairs on the form, and then pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight. Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humor. Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by Qantas' pilots (marked with a P) and the solutions recorded (marked with an S) by maintenance engineers. By the way, Qantas is the only major airline that has never had a fatal accident.


P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.

P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what they're for.

P: IFF inoperative.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.

P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

P: Aircraft handles funny. (I love this one!)
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.

And the best one for last ..................

P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget.





THE NEWS

Alert software raises alarm on camera: "In some cities in Europe and the United States, a person can be videotaped by surveillance cameras hundreds of times a day, and it's safe to say that most of the time no one is actually watching. But the advent of "intelligent video" - software that raises the alarm if something on camera appears amiss - means Big Brother will soon be able to keep a more constant watch, a prospect that is sure to heighten privacy concerns. Combining motion detection technology with the learning capabilities of video game software, these new systems can detect people loitering, walking in circles or leaving a package. New microphone technology can isolate the sound of a gunshot and direct the attached camera to swivel and zoom in on the source. Sensitivity may reach the point where microphones could pick out the word "explosives" spoken in a crowd. "There's just not enough personnel to watch every single camera," said Chicago emergency operations chief Andrew Velasquez. "We are piloting analytic software right now ... where you can set that particular camera to watch for erratic behaviour, or someone leaving a suitcase on the sidewalk."


DNA tests for China's Roman past: "Residents of a remote Chinese village are hoping DNA tests will prove one of history's most unlikely legends, that they are descended from Roman legionaries lost in antiquity. Scientists have taken blood samples from 93 people living around Liqian, a settlement in north-western China on the fringes of the Gobi Desert, more than 300 kilometres from the nearest city. They are seeking an explanation for the unusual number of local people with Western characteristics - green eyes, big noses, and even blond hair - mixed with traditional Chinese features.... The town's link with Rome was first suggested by a professor of Chinese history at Oxford in the 1950s. Homer Dubs pulled together stories from the official histories, which said Liqian was founded by soldiers captured in a war between the Chinese and the Huns in 36BC, and the legend of the missing army of Marcus Crassus, a Roman general. In 53BC Crassus was defeated by the Parthians, an empire occupying what is now Iran, putting an end to Rome's eastward expansion. But stories persisted that 145 Romans were taken captive and wandered the region for years. Professor Dubs theorised that they made their way eastwards as a mercenary troop, which was how a troop "with a fish-scale formation" came to be captured by the Chinese 17 years later. He said the "fish-scale formation" was a reference to the Roman "tortoise", a phalanx protected by shields on all sides and from above."


Oldies change sex partners too: "In terms of heterosexual behaviour, the British Sexual Fantasy Research Project data reveals that the average British heterosexual male will have had actual sexual contact, defined as "oral sex", "vaginal sex", "anal sex" or any combination thereof, with an average of 15.64 women during his lifetime. The typical British heterosexual female will have will have had comparable sexual contact with an average of 14.56 men during her lifetime. For both males and females, the average number of sexual partners rises across the life cycle, refuting the notion that most people pack their promiscuity into their teens and twenties. This seems not to be the case at all."


Moon controls the Antarctic: "Scientists in Antarctica have found striking evidence for the influence of the Moon on large-scale terrestrial phenomena. The Moon, it now appears, influences the movement of ice flowing off the continent's glaciers. In Antarctica streams of ice move large amounts of ice down from the centre of glaciers towards the ocean, dumping the ice far out into the sea, sometimes creating icebergs. Some ice streams move rapidly, up to 1km (0.6 miles) per year; others are slow. The Rut-ford ice stream is a river of ice larger than the Netherlands, which drains the West Antarctic ice sheet. Scientists recently discovered a bizarre behaviour in this ice stream - it speeds up and slows down by as much as 20 per cent every two weeks. This regular rhythm coincides with the fortnightly tidal cycle of the sea, when the gravitational pulls of the Moon and the Sun are either working together in large spring tides, or working against each other, in small neap tides."



(And don't forget to catch up with all the Strange Justice before you go)


posted by bussorah at 5:17 PM

 


Sherlock Holmes in the 21st Century

The Case of the Purloined NSC Documents

By Ray Van Dune

Mrs. Hudson had only just cleared away the remains of a fast-food luncheon she had brought us from 'round the corner, when my esteemed colleague startled me with a question. "Watson, pray can you tell this humble student of the misdeeds of men, what so perplexes you in the incident of Mr. Sandy Berger?"

Having observed the great Sherlock Holmes for several lifetimes now, I am no stranger to his powers. But I can scarcely describe my amazement at having my thoughts read as clearly as if they were tattooed upon my forehead! I stammered out "But Holmes, how on Earth could you possibly know that bit of nastiness was indeed the subject of my private thoughts?!"

Holmes replied, softly and deliberately in his usual manner of speaking, but he used a charming turn of phrase I had certainly never heard from him before. I instantly determined to work it into my next commercial efforts at chronicling his exploits.

What he said was: "Elementary, my dear Watson."

Holmes continued: "As you were joylessly masticating your wretched cheeseburger, I observed you also distractedly tugging at the tops of your stockings. Have I not told you on occasion before this that such unthinking behaviors offer a window into the thoughts of men, but only to the observer who has attuned his senses to the accurate reading of them?"

I had indeed been ruminating on the actions of the now-disgraced (if insufficiently so) former National Security Advisor. So I was relieved to share with Holmes the exact question that puzzled me. "Yes, indeed you have, but can you now tell me how on Earth could that rascal Berger practically beat this rap altogether? Had he not at a minimum demonstrably lied to Federal investigators, the heinous crime for which the hapless Ms. Stewart did time, and for which the long-suffering Mr. Libby may yet?"

I was taken aback at the uncharacteristic bitterness in Holmes' response. "My good Doctor, please enlighten me. by what mechanism could Berger possibly be convicted of a crime, while never being at the slightest risk of being charged with one?! Can you seriously be unaware, or have you forgotten as has every newspaper reporter, that on the first day after his infamous Patron took an oath on the Good Book, he demanded and received letters of resignation from every US Attorney in the nation, with a view to selectively replacing the last few honest ones with cronies, guaranteed to overlook the skullduggeries from which Democrats have come to enjoy immunity not merely before the law, but just as importantly, in the press!"

"Then I suppose that clears up any remaining mystery," I mumbled, and began to quaff my soft drink. Again I was surprised by the coarseness of speech that Holmes apparently reserves for the subject of Democrats: "It bloody well does no such thing, Watson! There is still the mystery surrounding the true motives of Berger!"

Now, I was perfectly sure that I could identify his motivation, and felt positively giddy with the prospect that I might have seen the truth where the Great Detective had not. Regrettably, I again neglected Mum's advice to "remain silent and let them wonder if you are a fool," etc., and plunged ahead in my quest to be proven one. "Well, his motive is obvious, is it not, Holmes? What plainer impetus to his crime could there be than preserving the fulsome "legacy" of that vainest of former Presidents? Would not that precious national treasure be sullied, were it revealed that he had frittered away several opportunities to vaporize that vile murderous Saudi, whom his fellow Democrats have subsequently made an Albatross for his successor?"

"Ha!" my companion sniffed. "Watson, like you, I curse our bad luck that the first of the 9-11 "pilots" did not dive his aircraft empty of passengers into a certain office address in Harlem, and that the second, perhaps laden with Lawyers, was not plunged into that glass slab of a building on the East River, whose occupants are in the main devoted to the advancement of knavery worldwide!"

"Or vice-versa, it matters not, if only such a just fate could have been meted out to a few hundred professional thieves and hypocrites, instead of such protracted agony to thousands of innocents!" Holmes may speak floridly, but he knows how to make a point.

"Sadly, the attention span of the American public has lapsed thrice over or more since the tragedy occurred, and culpability for it has been villainously sown in nearly every place but the one where it should truly have taken root. Berger's Patron could now simply admit his mistake and claim, with some justification, that in the climate of those times most of his fellow politicians would have made the very same one. Consider that even today there are sitting US Senators who propose that America should emulate the strategies of our own most execrable Prime Minister, Mr. Chamberlain, the ninny who continues to defile the soil of England by virtue of his burial in it!"

"No, I am afraid that Bubba the First's position in the Pantheon of Presidents is as secure as a fawning press and the hosannas of preening movie stars can make it, which in today's world means it is as sound as Gibraltar."

"Given these sad realities, I must conclude that there was some far greater game afoot than we have yet perceived in this matter. The Democrats' frenzied efforts to, as it were, "Win one for the Groper", seem to have merely been staged for the benefit of the naif's among us. Nothing could be more certain than that these poseurs value their reputations only insofar as it will serve to cloak their deceits."

I protested to Holmes "But, of those who were present at the National Security Council meetings, and so could have left evidence of their fecklessness in the margins of these documents, surely all are either dead or have retired from the labors of attaining political glory?"

I had to add "True, I can name one Democrat of that vintage who is lamentably neither dead nor retired, but surely even that fool must have known that during a Democrat administration, he had better remain silent on his peanut plantation, lest he lose any more allies or embassies while his party holds office!"

Even as I spoke these last words, I saw that Holmes had closed his eyes and traveled to some inward sanctum of thought, and that he had ceased to be aware of the comparative simpleton who sat before him. But as I prepared to rise for a stroll pending his eventual return to this world, Holmes suddenly exclaimed "Ha!" and awoke. Evidently those with his powers of the intellect need not tarry long in the land of contemplation.

With his first words Holmes demonstrated the acumen for which he has justly earned his immortality, and the right to insist that Mrs. Hudson and I be allowed to accompany him on that long journey. But I digress.

Holmes now spoke: "It is clear as crystal to me, my good friend! You will note that having eliminated the motive of protecting any who were entitled and required to participate in those NSC meetings, especially as they and their political aspirations have died away, we are inexorably drawn toward one stunning conclusion."

After an awkward silence of several seconds, I assayed "We may indeed be inexorably drawn there, Holmes, but could you favor me with a description of our destination?"

Holmes drew upon his pipe and came forth with one of his trademark perfectly-formed smoke rings. "Very well, can there be any doubt that Mr. Berger and his Patron were seeking to protect someone who has neither of the characteristics I have just mentioned?"

Holmes saw my confusion and elaborated "They seek to protect the identity of one who should NOT have been at any meeting of the National Security Council, and whose thirst for political power has NOT yet been slaked!"

"I dare say that this person argued eloquently for "kicking the can down the road", a course that would ultimately lead to disaster. Indeed, they argued for it so convincingly that their disastrous advice carried the day! And their words that will ultimately prove a curse on them are noted on the margins of the purloined documents! Nay, I should say they were so noted, until our gallant Sandbagger rescued them from the possibility of inspection by future historians!"

Indignant, I could only splutter "My God, Holmes! Who the deuce is this mystery man that the Democrats strive to protect from his own disgraceful advice?!"

Suddenly the door to our sitting chamber was kicked violently open by an obviously enraged Mrs. Hudson! She stood with one foot drawn back as if to ready to resume the kicking of things, and from her expression I feared she was set on starting out with me! Clearly, the old girl had been eavesdropping outside our chamber, when at this hour of the afternoon we should have expected to find her at the neighborhood bingo parlor!

In her fury, her lips at first could only move soundlessly, but she overcame this obstacle soon enough.

"Dr. Watson, you must certainly know our Mr. Holmes is acclaimed as the smartest man in the whole bloody world, but do you realize how my conviction in that is tested whenever I see him handing you his loaded revolver! You must be utterly bereft of a clue, and probably are still a virgin. Quite evidently, you lack even the requisite two brain cells that might by accident rub up against each other to create the illusion of thought!"

I sat there, totally at a loss for words. Mrs. Hudson however, was far from out of them, and she re-exploded.

"Oh, for Pete's sake - right-click on it, you old fart! There is no bloody mystery man!" Her eyes rolled back into her head until nearly only the whites showed. She almost screamed.

"Hallooo - this is the bloody Earth calling Dr. Watson! We'll have film at 11:00, but the breaking news about your friggen mystery man is that he's a she!!"

I could only croak out "A she.?" Mrs. Hudson went on "Now perhaps even you can guess why the old Sandbagger was happy to help her out of a jam, and even take that suite at the Crowbar Hotel if need be?"

"No, not for sex, you old buzzard - it was for his bloody health! He wanted to avoid that lead-poisoning this lady's ex-friends are so prone to. the kind you can catch from a .45 automatic!"

Mrs. Hudson paused for a long breath, which I feared was only a reload for another broadside. But her irritation was now dissipating, and perhaps she even felt a twinge of care that her stinging words may have wounded me. She came forward into the room, and looked down at me with pity as I slumped in my chair, more bewildered than ever.

"Dear silly old Watson, can't you see who Holmes is on about. it's Hillary!"

I cried out "Holmes, for God's sake, what say you of this?!" The Great Detective languidly drew at his pipe and produced another perfect smoke ring. His smile flashed, but his eyes were devoid of any mirth.

"Bingo!" said Holmes.






THE NEWS

Pesky British badgers: "The Protection of Badgers Act 1992 has led to such a big increase in the badger population that their incessant burrowing is damaging archaeological sites across the country. Badgers are particularly drawn to Neolithic mounds, Iron Age settlements and Anglo-Saxon burial sites because the earthworks are much softer on the claws than is hard bedrock. They provide the perfect conditions for the building of the animals' setts. But, to the dismay of archaeologists, the badgers are burrowing through ancient sites and churning up the remains. Vital evidence is being lost in the destruction and displacement of archaelogical layers and artefacts, from fragile pottery to human bones found in prehistoric and Anglo-Saxon graves."


Lucky Scottish fishermen: "It was a bitterly cold day on the Firth of Clyde and their catch was looking poor until the surprising moment when three fishermen pulled up a 19th-century Italian sculpture, valued at up to 45,000 pounds. Hector Stewart, skipper of the Eyedent, went out last Tuesday with James Turner and Sean D'Arcy, to scrabble in the seabed for sand gapers, a clam-like shellfish.... He was carrying a hose connected to a water pump on the boat, which the fishermen use to blow aside the sand and reveal the shells. Almost immediately he came up against what he thought was a large rock. Mr Turner tried to work around it but, blowing silt from one side, he saw the outline of a necklace.... Mr Stewart said: "We washed away the sand and realised we were looking at a woman's face." It was a white marble bust, tinged with green and marked with worm casts.... There was one clue that it ought not to serve as a garden gnome. On the back of the bust was an inscription: "Rinaldo Rinaldi 7 Roma 1869." Mr Stewart's wife, Diana, who handles shellfish sales from their home in Tarbert, Argyll, looked the name up on the internet. She told The Times: "It seemed that he was a very important Italian sculptor from the 19th century. A piece of his work was in the Louvre."


Dog arrests man: "A police dog arrested a man being chased by officers at the weekend. The man had led officers on a chase through numerous back yards, across railway tracks and through streets on Brisbane's southside before being cornered by Cyrus, a german shepherd, and his handler at a house at Buranda. The man attempted to flee but was stopped by Cyrus, who latched on to his arm and held him down. The drama began about 1.40am Sunday when police began chasing the man after he was spotted acting suspiciously in a car park of an Annerley hotel. Cyrus and his handler tracked the man through numerous yards and found him under a set of stairs at a business in O'Keefe St, Annerley. The man was told to stop and warned the police dog would be released but he allegedly ran off. The chase continued and the man was tracked through more backyards and over a railway line toward Ipswich Rd where he was located under a home in Harrogate St, Buranda, where Cyrus got his man. The man was treated for bites and later charged with more than 35 property offences".


Eastwood makes Japanese weep: "It has taken an American film director - Clint Eastwood - with Hollywood production values and a brooding local star to move the normally reserved Japanese to tears of pride and regret in cinemas all over the country. The cause is Eastwood's war film Letters from Iwo Jima, the first movie made by an American to depict Japanese soldiers of the second world war with respect as well as raw humanity. "My reaction was tears, tears and tears," said Toru Haga, 59, a newspaper editor as he came out of a showing in Tokyo last week. The title refers to hundreds of letters found after the war that were never delivered to the soldiers' families in Japan. The film has turned into a surprise hit. It has also set the scene for a painful examination of how and why Japan's rulers sent their men to certain death in a fruitless cause, a debate that is often drowned out by arguments over textbooks that minimise Japan's war guilt and by political controversy over the Yasukuni shrine, which commemorates the war dead. Only 804 Japanese defenders survived out of a garrison of 20,933 when US marines stormed ashore on the beaches of Iwo Jima, an island 675 miles south of Tokyo, on February 19, 1945."




(And don't forget to catch up with all the Strange Justice before you go)


posted by bussorah at 4:15 PM

 


See What 50 years will do!

Scenario: Jack pulls into school parking lot with rifle in gun rack.

1956 - Vice Principal comes over, takes a look at Jack's rifle, goes to his car and gets his to show Jack.

2006 - School goes into lockdown, FBI called, Jack hauled off to jail and never sees his truck or gun again. Counselors called in for traumatized students and teachers.

++++++++++++++++++++++

Scenario: Johnny and Mark get into a fist fight after school.

1956 - Crowd gathers. Mark wins. Johnny and Mark shake hands and end up best friends. Nobody goes to jail, nobody arrested, nobody expelled.

2006 - Police called, SWAT team arrives, arrests Johnny and Mark. Charge them with assault, both expelled even though Johnny started it.

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Scenario: Jeffrey won't be still in class, disrupts other students.

1956 - Jeffrey sent to office and given a good paddling by Principal. Sits still in class.

2006 - Jeffrey given huge doses of Ritalin. Becomes a zombie. School gets extra money from state because Jeffrey has a disability.

++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Scenario: Billy breaks a window in his father's car and his Dad gives him a
whipping.

1956 - Billy is more careful next time, grows up normal, goes to college, and becomes a successful businessman.

2006 - Billy's Dad is arrested for child abuse. Billy removed to foster care and joins a gang. Billy's sister is told by state psychologist that she remembers being abused herself and their Dad goes to prison. Billy's Mom has affair with psychologist.

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Scenario: Mark gets a headache and takes some headache medicine to school.

1956 - Mark shares headache medicine with Principal out on the smoking dock.

2006 - Police called, Mark expelled from school for drug violations. Car searched for drugs and weapons.

+++++++++++++++++++++++++

Scenario: Mary turns up pregnant.

1956 - 5 High School Boys leave town. Mary does her senior year at a special school for expectant mothers.

2006 - Middle School Counselor calls Planned Parenthood, who notifies the ACLU. Mary is driven to the next state over and gets an abortion without her parent's consent or knowledge. Mary given condoms and told to be more careful next time.

++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Scenario: Pedro fails high school English.

1956 : Pedro goes to summer school, passes English, goes to college.

2006 : Pedro's cause is taken up by local do gooders. Newspaper articles appear nationally explaining that teaching English as a requirement for graduation is racist. ACLU files class action lawsuit against state school system and Pedro's English teacher. English banned from core curriculum. Pedro given diploma anyway but ends up mowing lawns for a living because he can't speak English.

+++++++++++++++++++++

Scenario: Johnny takes apart leftover firecrackers from the 4th of July,
puts them in a model airplane paint bottle, blows up a red ant bed

1956 - Ants die.

2006 - BATF, Homeland Security, FBI called. Johnny charged with domestic terrorism, FBI investigates parents, siblings removed from home, computers confiscated, Johnny's Dad goes on a terror watch list and is never allowed to fly again.

+++++++++++++++++++++

Scenario: Johnny falls while running during recess and scrapes his knee. He
is found crying by his teacher, Mary. Mary, hugs him to comfort him.

1956 - In a short time Johnny feels better and goes on playing.

2006 - Mary is accused of being a sexual predator and loses her job. She faces 3 years in State Prison.






THE NEWS

Nurse names 20 doctors as possible dads: "SARAJEVO's Kosevo Hospital has been rocked by a sex scandal after a nurse handed its director a list of 20 prominent doctors as potential fathers to her baby son. A Sarajevo magazine reported on Friday that the nurse, who gave birth last month, asked the management to investigate and determine who fathered the child. "These rumours exist, but here at the hospital the word is that 15 [not 20] doctors are on the list. However, we do not have any official information to share with the press and are looking into the case," a spokeswoman for the hospital told Associated Press."


Killer fled with a warden's wife: "A convicted murderer who escaped from jail with a warden's wife has been slapped with a maximum seven-year sentence - but the woman has not been charged. Randy Dial escaped with Bobbi Parker, the wife of the deputy warden, from the Oklahoma State Reformatory in Granite on August 30, 1994. Eleven years later, the two were found living together in a trailer on a chicken farm in eastern Texas after a tip from TV's America's Most Wanted. Ms Parker, who left behind a husband and two young daughters, claimed that Dial kept her captive by threatening to harm her family. She is now back living with her husband, warden of another jail, who says that he believes her account."


Will Saudis Ban the Letter `X'?: "The letter "X" soon may be banned in Saudi Arabia because it resembles the mother of all banned religious symbols in the oil kingdom: the cross. The new development came with the issuing of another mind-bending fatwa, or religious edict, by the infamous Commission for the Promotion of Virtue and Prevention of Vice - the group of senior Islamic clergy that reigns supreme on all legal, civil, and governance matters in the kingdom of Saudi Arabia. The commission's damning of the letter "X" came in response to a Ministry of Trade query about whether it should grant trademark protection to a Saudi businessman for a new service carrying the English name "Explorer." "No! Nein! Nyet!" was the commission's categorical answer. Why? Well, never mind that none of the so-called scholars manning the upper ranks of the religious outfit can speak or read a word of English. But their experts who examined the English word "explorer" were struck by how suspicious that "X" appeared. In a kingdom where Friday preachers routinely refer to Christians as pigs and infidel crusaders, even a twisted cross ranks as an abomination."


Some Meth Addicts Turn to Urine to Get High: "Some hard-core methamphetamine addicts will do anything to get high, including collecting and drinking the urine of other users. Police in New Mexico recently discovered meth users running "urine extraction" labs, reported Minnesota's news station WCCO. The first indication of the new trend came when deputies opened up a smelly rented storage locker where they found 50 1-gallon jugs of urine. Police told the owners to throw away the contents, which made them physically ill. A week later, Narcotics Sgt. Becky Howell received the report on the incident. "I said, 'Oh my gosh, this is a meth lab. This is a urine extraction lab,'" Howell told WCCO. It's the newest way to access meth. Some users drink the meth-tainted urine to get high while others use the cooking process to filter the drug back out. "I'm not 100 percent sure what this guy was doing," Howell said. "Five years ago, I probably would have been surprised at that. But now, knowing and understanding methamphetamine and an addict's addiction to it, it doesn't surprise me."



(And don't forget to catch up with all the Strange Justice before you go)


posted by bussorah at 8:54 PM

 


SOME AMBIGUOUS HEADLINES WE HAVE SEEN

1) Man Minus Ear Waives Hearing

2) British Union Finds Dwarfs in Short Supply

3) Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft

4) New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group

5) Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers

6) Is There a Ring of Debris around Uranus?

7) Stud Tires Out

8) Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over

9) Miners Refuse to Work after Death

10) Two Sisters Reunited after 18 Years in Checkout Counter

11) Never Withhold Herpes Infection from Loved One

12) War Dims Hope for Peace

13) Red Tape Holds Up New Bridge






THE NEWS



Emperor's treasures found: "The lost treasure of Maxentius, the last preChristian Roman emperor, has been unearthed by archaeologists. Imperial standards, lances and glass spheres (see above) were buried on the Palatine Hill by Maxentius before his battle with Constantine the Great in AD312. Archaeologists believe that he planned to retrieve the treasure if he won. In the event, he and his closest aides were killed, so that no one knew where it was hidden."


Bad move to dodge paying what you owe: "A woman who told police she had been raped was jailed for two days after officers found an old warrant accusing her of failing to pay restitution for a 2003 theft arrest. While she was behind bars, according to the college student's attorney, a jail worker refused to give her a second dose of the morning-after contraceptive pill because of the worker's religious convictions. The 21-year-old woman was released Monday only after attorney Vic Moore reported her plight to the local media. 'Shocked. Stunned. Outraged. I don't have words to describe it,' he said. 'She is not a victim of any one person. She is a victim of the system."


Nekkid bowlers hit the lanes: "Beware bringing your child into your local bowling alley these days ... you might get an unwanted eyeful of the Bare Nekkid Mainers. The nudist group has taken to renting the local bowling alley so they can play their favorite sport, unhindered by unnecessary clothing, reported the Bangor Daily News. But yes, they still have to wear bowling shoes. 'Hey, you can't go skinny-dipping at this time of year,' said Hessa, who organized the events and asked to be identified only by her first name. During the three events the Bare Nekkid Mainers have held thus far, the bowling alley was closed, the doors and windows were covered in paper, and signs announced that a private party was in progress. But one man apparently ignored the signs and walked into the alley with his 8-year-old son. He saw a nude male playing pool, became disgusted, and decided to go to the police. The police investigated the matter, but found no wrongdoing."


Australian father forced to 'pay' dead wife: "The Child Support Agency has admitted it made a mistake when it demanded child support payments from a Perth man whose ex-wife had died. Cameron Walker told the Seven Network last night that his ex-wife Cindy died in a car accident 12 months ago and since then he has been the sole parent of their 11-year-old daughter Simone. Mr Walker, of Perth, said he had been paying off a child support debt of $4,500 to his ex-wife and, despite her death, the agency continued to send debt collection notices to him. He said he had received dozens of the letters and money had continued to be removed from his bank account for child support, even though he was the sole parent. Child Support Agency general manager Matt Miller said the agency had made a mistake. "Where a parent dies the child support case is ended,'' he said today. "In these circumstances, there is no ongoing child support collection.''


(And don't forget to catch up with all the Strange Justice before you go)


posted by bussorah at 4:17 PM

 


We know what he means:






The good old days?









THE NEWS

Man running from police attacked by croc: "A man was attacked by a crocodile after fleeing police at a Northern Territory community, according to locals. Police said the man fled when approached by police at the Daly River community yesterday about a possible breach of bail conditions. After he disappeared down a river bank or into long grass, police gave up their search. But as they were about to leave, nearby residents told them the fugitive had been seen bleeding, with puncture marks on his head. He appeared to have been bitten by a crocodile, they told police. The man then assaulted officers as they tried to help him. The man was taken Royal Darwin Hospital for puncture wounds to his head and an injury to his hand. His injuries were not considered serious".


Adult cartoon ads shut down city: "An advertising campaign for a late-night animated series went seriously wrong today when police in Boston mistook the ads for explosive devices and shut down half the city. The discovery of five suspect devices sent authorities into a tailspin, closing off major roads, suspending rail services and river transport and causing major disruption in the city as police investigated. After some hours, Turner Broadcasting issued a statement saying that the so-called suspect devices were actually part of a marketing campaign for the series Aqua Teen Hunger Force on the Cartoon Network's Adult Swim section. "The 'packages' in question are magnetic lights that pose no danger,'' said the statement from Turner Broadcasting System, according to ABC television. "They are part of an outdoor marketing campaign in 10 cities in support of Adult Swim's animated television show Aqua Teen Hunger Force. They have been in place for two to three weeks.''


Thief loves his Momma: "It has all the makings of a country song: an escaped prisoner, his terminally ill mother, a Wal-Mart truck, NASCAR and a Nashville singer's tour bus. Since Christopher Daniel Gay, 32, escaped from a prisoner transport van Sunday in South Carolina, police say, he has evaded a five-state manhunt by stealing a pickup, a big rig and a bus that belongs to singer Crystal Gayle. No one has been reported injured, and the search for him continued Friday. Initially, police say, his motive for fleeing was simple. "I take it he was just trying to see his mom," said Michael Douglas, the police chief in Pleasant View, Tennessee, near the home where Gay's mother is dying of cancer. Gay, who has a history of theft involving trucks and other heavy equipment, escaped during a bathroom break in Hardeeville, South Carolina, as he was being taken from Texas to face felony theft charges in Alabama. The van was taking a route allowing it to pick up prisoners in other states. He stole a pickup truck in South Carolina and made his way more than 300 miles northwest to Manchester, Tennessee, where he stole a Wal-Mart tractor-trailer filled with $300,000 worth of merchandise, police said. On Tuesday, Gay got to within 50 yards of his mother's house, about 25 miles northwest of Nashville, but abandoned the Wal-Mart truck and fled into some woods, authorities said.... Authorities don't think Gay got to see his mother."




Naughty coffee: "The naughty baristas of Cowgirls Espresso represent a new trend in and around Seattle - perhaps the most caffeinated city in America - and illustrate how cutthroat the competition can be in the hometown of the massive Starbucks chain, which has multiple coffee shops competing on the same block. Among the other coffee stands that are showing some skin: Moka Girls in Auburn, The Sweet Spot Cafe in Shoreline, Bikini Espresso in Renton and Natte Latte in Port Orchard. One recent afternoon, there was a long line of cars at the tiny, black-and-white, cow-painted Cowgirls stand in front of a Tukwila casino. Candice Law, leaning provocatively out the drive-through window in a black bra that didn't quite cover her shiny purple pasties, and Toni Morgan, wearing a skimpy halter top, see-through red lace panties and chaps, seemed to know every customer."


Wolves please: "Reintroducing wolves to the Scottish Highlands to control the rapidly growing red deer population would boost the economy and help to protect the environment, a study suggests. Red deer have been blamed for destroying trees and vegetation in the Highlands and it is thought that packs of wolves could reduce their numbers by more than half, saving estates from having to carry out costly culls. The wolves could also cut the number of animals that eat game birds and their eggs. Researchers from Imperial College, London, and two Norwegian universities said that the spread of wolves was likely to be so successful that within a century of their reintroduction, wolf trophy hunting could begin again. Scotland's last wolf was shot dead in 1769"



(And don't forget to catch up with all the Strange Justice before you go)


posted by bussorah at 3:02 PM

 


DON'T MESS WITH THE OLD FOLKS

An older gentleman had an appointment to see the urologist who shared an office with several other doctors. The waiting room was filled with patients. As he approached the receptionist desk he noticed that the receptionist was a large unfriendly woman who looked like a Sumo wrestler.

He gave her his name.

In a very loud voice, the receptionist said, "YES, I HAVE YOUR NAME HERE; YOU WANT TO SEE THE DOCTOR ABOUT IMPOTENCE, RIGHT?"

All the patients in the waiting room snapped their heads around to look at the very embarrassed man. He recovered quickly, and in an equally loud voice replied, "NO, I'VE COME TO INQUIRE ABOUT A SEX CHANGE OPERATION, BUT I DON'T WANT THE SAME DOCTOR THAT DID YOURS."





COMPUTERS GET YOU THAT WAY







THE NEWS

Doctor diagnoses minister's tumour on TV: "An Irish doctor diagnosed a government minister as having a tumour on his jaw as he sat at home watching him on TV, the politician revealed today. After he had seen the program, the surgeon left a message for Overseas Development Minister Conor Lenihan, asking him to contact him about a personal matter. "He told me 'you had better get that seen to'. I am an extremely lucky person that this consultant was sitting at home with his wife and spotted what was happening, said 43-year-old Mr Lenihan. "I was a bit shocked when he told me that it had the potential to be cancerous,'' Mr Lenihan told RTE state radio. The doctor had noticed that while Mr Lenihan's face moved when he spoke on TV, a lump on his jaw did not. The tumour turned out to be benign and was removed in an operation earlier this month."


Contented crooks: "It seems criminals not only do better than police financially, but they are happier in their work. Even when they are in jail. A South Korean criminology study of 109 imprisoned gangsters found just under 80 per cent rated their job satisfaction as “okay”, “satisfactory” or “very satisfactory”. This compared to 65 per cent of police officers who were asked the same question in an earlier survey.... The average monthly income for gangsters was A$5,500 a month, more than the average for police officers."




Tough Indian gals? "The United Nation's first women-only peacekeeping unit, comprising 103 Indian policewomen, arrived in Liberia yesterday, officials said. Ben Malor, spokesman for the UN's 15,000strong force in the West African country, said that the women would be stationed in the capital. Members of the group have said they hope that they will be seen as more approachable by women and children in Liberia's postcivil war conflict zones."




Miss USA tells all: "Miss USA Tara Conner, who hung on to her title last month by going into rehab after reports of underage drinking, has admitted to using cocaine. Conner told NBC's Today show it was a relief to talk about her drug use which had been rumoured when she hit New York's nightclubs for several weeks last winter. "I have done cocaine, yeah," Conner told interviewer Matt Lauer in her first interview since completing 31 days in rehab. "Luckily the great thing about getting everything out and being completely open and honest about things, it frees me from it. So the more I get it off my chest, the better I feel about myself," she said. Conner, now 21, agreed to go into rehab in December at a tearful news conference after real estate mogul Donald Trump, owner of the Miss USA beauty pageant, agreed to give the Kentucky blonde a second chance. Lauer also said that in their interview, Conner said she would not pose nude in Playboy magazine as some reporters had suggested."


(And don't forget to catch up with all the Strange Justice before you go)


posted by bussorah at 1:36 PM