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A roundup of Hillary jokes

Some good ones here

"Chelsea Clinton tried to help her mother attract the gay vote in Pennsylvania by visiting several lesbian bars. That's true, yeah. Yeah, when asked to comment afterwards, Chelsea said, `I've never seen so many women with my mom's haircut.'" -Conan O'Brien

"Hillary Clinton was shown at a bar in Indiana drinking a beer, and doing a shot of whiskey. Hey, and it worked. Today, Ted Kennedy switched back. `I'm for Hillary now!'" -Jay Leno

"Did you all see that? She took the shot with the beer chaser. Did it like an old pro. To give you an idea how much she drank, when the phone rang at 3 am, slept right through it." -Jay Leno

"Big shake-up in the Hillary Clinton campaign. This is huge. Yesterday - true story - Hillary Clinton's top adviser abruptly left her campaign. When he heard about it, Bill Clinton said, `Wait, we can leave?'" -Conan O'Brien

"Poor Hillary. She went on my friend Jay Leno's show last night. She's still trying to put that whole Bosnia sniper fire thing behind her. She said, `It's been so long since I've been pinned down by anyone.'" -Bill Maher

"Hillary Clinton was in Philadelphia, where she told the crowd she is like the movie character Rocky. Now, if I remember the movie correctly, doesn't Rocky get the crap beat out of him and then he loses to the black guy?" -Jay Leno

"Are you familiar with the Hillary Clinton 3 a.m. phone call commercial that she's been running? Well, she's got another one of those, and the phone rings at 3 a.m., Hillary answers the phone, she picks it up, and she says "Stop bothering me, President Obama!" -David Letterman

"This weekend, Bill Clinton said Hillary should not drop out of the presidential race. Yeah, when asked why, Bill said, `Because then she'd come home.'" -Conan O'Brien

"Hillary was caught in a bit of a lie. When she was first lady, she went to Bosnia when it was war-torn. She said that she faced sniper fire - never happened. And had to run to the car for cover - never happened. If only she had channeled that active fantasy world into her marriage." -Bill Maher

"Have you been following the story about Reverend Wright, Barack Obama's pastor? Hillary said if her pastor had made the comments that Reverend Wright had made, she would have left that church. Interesting distinction she makes. She also says if her pastor had been bl### by Monica Lewinsky, she would have stayed." -Bill Maher

"Hillary now says that she just made an honest mistake when she said she had to duck sniper fire in Bosnia. There was no hostile fire of any kind. Although, ironically, while she was away, Bill Clinton did see some action." -Jay Leno

"Hillary Clinton has been hinting that she and Barack Obama might share the Democratic ticket with her in the number one position. She feels Barack Obama deserves some sort of consolation prize for getting the most votes and being the most popular." -Jay Leno

"Hillary Clinton is back in the hunt for the Democratic nomination. She won do-or-die primaries in Ohio, Rhode Island, and Texas last night. A lot of people thought she would be done today, but just like Bill always says, Hillary does not go down without a fight." -Jimmy Kimmel

"There have been charges of foul play from both sides. Obama has accused Clinton of smearing him by implying that he's a Muslim or Muslim-sympathizer, and Clinton has accused Obama and his people of trying to dump a bucket of water on her and make her melt." -Jimmy Kimmel

"Hillary criticized Obama so strongly that at one point he yelled at her. He just said, `Hey, easy, lady, we're not married'" -David Letterman

"Hillary Clinton's campaign is trying to embarrass Barack Obama. Have you seen this? They have circulated pictures of Obama wearing tribal dress. Obama wanted to strike back, but there are no pictures of Hillary wearing a dress." -Craig Ferguson

"Things aren't looking good for Hillary. Like a lot of women in Washington, I think she's just starting to realize she may have slept with Bill Clinton for nothing." -Jay Leno

"Hillary Clinton continually reminds voters that she has been tested. Which makes sense. You never know what Bill might have brought home." -Jay Leno

"Barack Obama and Hillary Clinton had a private talk. Did you hear about this? They had a private discussion. They agreed to stop attacking each other so harshly. Hillary told Barack, `We should pretend to like each other, just like Bill and I do.'" -Conan O'Brien

"On the eve of Tuesday's primary victories, a defiant Hillary Clinton said, `I'm just getting warmed up.' Which begs the question, `Hey, Hillary, how are you gonna be ready on day one if it takes you 31 primaries to get warmed up.'" -Seth Meyers





THE NEWS

I did sniff colleague's chair, admits politician: "One of Australia's most senior conservative politicians broke down today as he tearfully admitted sniffing the chair of a female colleague shortly after she vacated it. Troy Buswell, the leader of the opposition Liberal Party in Western Australia, was under intense pressure to resign over the incident, which happened in 2005. He dismissed allegations on 13 different occasions that he had sniffed the seat, before finally admitting yesterday that it had in fact taken place. "All I can confirm is that the events described in the paper [The West Australian] by the former female staffer are accurate," he said. Holding back tears at a news conference, Mr Buswell admitted that his behaviour before becoming party leader three months ago had sometimes been highly offensive. He has previously admitted to snapping a woman's bra as a drunken party trick and has been accused by a retiring Liberal MP of making sexist remarks to her."




Pink Floyd's flying 'Obama' pig found: "A huge inflatable pig bearing the word "Obama" which went missing in the California desert after it was released into the sky during a music festival has been found. The pig, which disappeared following a show by Pink Floyd frontman Roger Waters at the Coachella music festival on Sunday. was found by two families on their driveways in La Quinta, California. They will split the $10,000 reward offered by the festival, according to the BBC. The pig displayed the words "Don't be led to the slaughter" and a cartoon of Uncle Sam holding two bloody cleavers. The other side read "Fear builds walls" and the underside read "Obama" with a checked ballot box for US Democratic presidential hopeful Barack Obama."


Dolphin Teeth as money: "HONIARA, Solomon Islands -- Forget the euro and the yen. In this South Pacific archipelago, people are pouring their savings into another appreciating currency: dolphin teeth. Shaped like miniature ivory jalapenos, the teeth of spinner dolphins have facilitated commerce in parts of the Solomon Islands for centuries. This traditional currency is gaining in prominence now after years of ethnic strife that have undermined the country's economy and rekindled attachment to ancient customs. Over the past year, one spinner tooth has soared in price to about two Solomon Islands dollars (26 U.S. cents), from as little as 50 Solomon Islands cents. ..."


The world's worst poet has last laugh: "He died penniless and blamed for some of the worst massacres perpetrated against the English language. But more than 100 years later, William Topaz McGonagall, otherwise known as the world's worst poet, will achieve respectability of a sort when 35 of his original poems go for auction in Edinburgh on May 16. The sale is an extraordinary turnaround for a man who, as the people of his native Dundee still observe, was "so giftedly bad he backed unwittingly into genius". The poems, which will be sold as one lot and include 15 originals not held by the National Library of Scotland, have been given a guide price of 4,500-6,500 pounds, similar to a collection of Harry Potter first editions signed by J.K. Rowling and considerably more than rare early editions of Ian Fleming's James Bond novels, which are also being auctioned. For the "Tayside Tragedian", whose public readings were so appalling that they had audiences hysterical with laughter and even provoked riots, it is a far cry from the ridicule heaped on him during his lifetime."



And don't forget to catch up with all the Strange Justice before you go.


posted by bussorah at 4:44 PM